chris
I saw your sky fall down today
Suddenly turn from blue to grey
Till one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain for you
But I’ve never felt so helpless
It’s like you’re drowning right in front of me
And I’m reaching out but you can’t see
There’s something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all I’ll say to you tonight
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I’ve always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you, I’m where I’ve always been
Right by your side, right by your side
Right By Your Side
-Matthew West
I heard this song. and I cried. I really felt, feel, this way with Chris. Its like I watched his whole world shatter/crumble right before my eyes. I watched him completely fall apart, and there was nothing I could do. He didn't want my help, and he didn't want Charles' help. We stood there, completely helpless and stuck on the outside watching our best friend fall away until we did not recognize him anymore. He was in extreme pain. He was bitter. and alone. He was frightened. And too proud to ask for help. He felt betrayed. and I'm sure he felt like CHarles and I were at fault. (even though that still makes no logical sense to me.... in retrospect i think he felt like Charles and I lied to him). I literally had the sensation that he was drowning, dying, slipping away and I couldn't get to him to save him. Has he asked for my help, I would have been there... I still would be there to be honest. But he couldn't see that. He can't seem to see how deeply, and overwhelmingly he is loved.
I've let go. as hard as it has been. Obviously I can't turn my heart off and stop loving him, although it would be soo much easier if i could. I've let go only because I feel the need to. I feel like God is telling me to let our relationship die, not because Chris isn't good enough... but because our friendship was meant to end for now. My love for him hasn't disappeared, I still cry during the consecration of the Eucharist when I pray for him every sunday. My heart still breaks when I hear his song (My everything, Matt Maher). But I feel like GOd is telling me to let go. To let him live his life. Maybe we clung to CHris too tightly. Maybe he clung to us too tightly. Maybe his faith was based too much on CHarles and I, and not enough on his own surrender before God. (and I don't mean that in an arogant type of way...just that we were the ones that he shared his faith with, and he didn't have the opportunity to build his faith away from us.) The last time I saw CHris.... when he showed up at church and talked ot everyone except me, and I couldn't muster the strength to say all the things my heart longed to say... all the ways i wanted to tell him that he was cherished and cared about. all the ways i wanted to tell him that i had missed having him in my life. all the ways that i wanted to tell him the fears i had for him. all the ways i wanted to tell him that i resented the person he had become, a person void of my friendship in his life. a person seemingly void of care or concern for me and my breaking heart. a person focused on himself. a person focused on appearances. when our forced conversation resulted in nothing more than "what, am i not invited to you dance performance?" and "you know, charles and i really miss you". and when his forced response resulted in nothing more than "i'm in a club for school, just because i'm not coming to church doesn't mean i don't believe in god" and "well i'm really busy". my heart broke, as he left i went into the chapel and lost it. i knew at that moment that i was called ot let him go. it still breaks my heart. its never easy... but he does make it less painful by not coming around. at least i don't have to have it thrown in my face. and again with the song.
"its like you're drowning right in front of me, and i'm reaching out but you can't see, there's something hold on to you so tight. So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight."
"if you ever need me, you know where to find me, I will be waiting where I've always been."
farewell for now my precious friend.
and the other song that will forever be Chris' song in my heart:
I've been looking for a reason
I've been longing for a purpose
Losing all my meaning
I've run out of excuses
Lord, It's hard to know you
I don't always see your plan
But holiness is calling me
So take me as I am
You are my everything
You are the song I sing
I'll do anything for you
Teach me how to pray
To live a life of grace
I'll go anywhere with you
Jesus, be my everything
Lord, I get so tired
Of the struggle within
I settle in complacency
And I'm weighed down in my sin
So lead me past emotion
'Cause they change with the wind
I want to be a true disciple
To daily choose your hand
You are my Everything
-Matt Maher
Suddenly turn from blue to grey
Till one by one the raindrops
Turned to tears upon your face
Wish there was something I could do
Wish I could ease the pain for you
But I’ve never felt so helpless
It’s like you’re drowning right in front of me
And I’m reaching out but you can’t see
There’s something holding on to you so tight
So I guess this is all I’ll say to you tonight
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I will be waiting where I’ve always been
If you ever need me
You know where to find me
I have never left you, I’m where I’ve always been
Right by your side, right by your side
Right By Your Side
-Matthew West
I heard this song. and I cried. I really felt, feel, this way with Chris. Its like I watched his whole world shatter/crumble right before my eyes. I watched him completely fall apart, and there was nothing I could do. He didn't want my help, and he didn't want Charles' help. We stood there, completely helpless and stuck on the outside watching our best friend fall away until we did not recognize him anymore. He was in extreme pain. He was bitter. and alone. He was frightened. And too proud to ask for help. He felt betrayed. and I'm sure he felt like CHarles and I were at fault. (even though that still makes no logical sense to me.... in retrospect i think he felt like Charles and I lied to him). I literally had the sensation that he was drowning, dying, slipping away and I couldn't get to him to save him. Has he asked for my help, I would have been there... I still would be there to be honest. But he couldn't see that. He can't seem to see how deeply, and overwhelmingly he is loved.
I've let go. as hard as it has been. Obviously I can't turn my heart off and stop loving him, although it would be soo much easier if i could. I've let go only because I feel the need to. I feel like God is telling me to let our relationship die, not because Chris isn't good enough... but because our friendship was meant to end for now. My love for him hasn't disappeared, I still cry during the consecration of the Eucharist when I pray for him every sunday. My heart still breaks when I hear his song (My everything, Matt Maher). But I feel like GOd is telling me to let go. To let him live his life. Maybe we clung to CHris too tightly. Maybe he clung to us too tightly. Maybe his faith was based too much on CHarles and I, and not enough on his own surrender before God. (and I don't mean that in an arogant type of way...just that we were the ones that he shared his faith with, and he didn't have the opportunity to build his faith away from us.) The last time I saw CHris.... when he showed up at church and talked ot everyone except me, and I couldn't muster the strength to say all the things my heart longed to say... all the ways i wanted to tell him that he was cherished and cared about. all the ways i wanted to tell him that i had missed having him in my life. all the ways that i wanted to tell him the fears i had for him. all the ways i wanted to tell him that i resented the person he had become, a person void of my friendship in his life. a person seemingly void of care or concern for me and my breaking heart. a person focused on himself. a person focused on appearances. when our forced conversation resulted in nothing more than "what, am i not invited to you dance performance?" and "you know, charles and i really miss you". and when his forced response resulted in nothing more than "i'm in a club for school, just because i'm not coming to church doesn't mean i don't believe in god" and "well i'm really busy". my heart broke, as he left i went into the chapel and lost it. i knew at that moment that i was called ot let him go. it still breaks my heart. its never easy... but he does make it less painful by not coming around. at least i don't have to have it thrown in my face. and again with the song.
"its like you're drowning right in front of me, and i'm reaching out but you can't see, there's something hold on to you so tight. So I guess this is all I'll say to you tonight."
"if you ever need me, you know where to find me, I will be waiting where I've always been."
farewell for now my precious friend.
and the other song that will forever be Chris' song in my heart:
I've been looking for a reason
I've been longing for a purpose
Losing all my meaning
I've run out of excuses
Lord, It's hard to know you
I don't always see your plan
But holiness is calling me
So take me as I am
You are my everything
You are the song I sing
I'll do anything for you
Teach me how to pray
To live a life of grace
I'll go anywhere with you
Jesus, be my everything
Lord, I get so tired
Of the struggle within
I settle in complacency
And I'm weighed down in my sin
So lead me past emotion
'Cause they change with the wind
I want to be a true disciple
To daily choose your hand
You are my Everything
-Matt Maher