revelations...
a really over due post about late night revelations I've had recently while I'm supposed to be sleeping.
REVELATION #1
I'm not over it.
I'm being seriously spiritually attacked. I should be exstatic for two of my best friends who have decided to date again. I should be overjoyed at the fact that to gorgeous people, with amazing faith, and vibrant personality have found each other and are exploring their love for each other. But I'm not. That's why I'm evil. I'm battling myself on this one. Battling my thoughts. Battling my attitude. Battling my unwillingness to pray about it and give it to God. I thought I was done with it, but then they started dating and being affectionate. And I turned into a monster. It's everything he stands for. It's everything she is that I'm not. It's the fact that I'm insecure and hard hearted and I am finding it hard to believe that something as good as what they have is out there waiting for me. It's everything about the two of them together, and yet nothing to do with them at all.
REVELATION #2
I'm undisciplined.
I'm totally a mess in my life. Completely and totally undisciplined in every way. I'm undisciplined physically. I eat whatever I want, can't seem to stay to a healthy eating routine, let alone a diet. I don't excercise unless its for a soccer team and then only because I have to. I don't even have the drive to get myself in shape for playing soccer, I just play in the shape I'm in and hope it gets better as the season goes on. I'm undisciplined emotionally. I don't put effort into relationships at all. Everyone else always puts in the effort. Everyone else always has to come to me. I don't self disclose, I remain at bay in most relationships because I know I don't have the discipline to pull through if someone really needed me. I undisciplined intellectually. I'm terrible with school. I only do assignments or show up when I really have to. I don't study. I spend a minimal amount of time on school work. I do only what I need to get by. I don't challenge myself intellectually because I'm not disciplined enough to follow through with the challenge. I'm undisciplined spiritually. I don't pray regularly. When it comes to my own spiritual life I can't stick to a regimen. I told myself I was going to pray my first novena for nine days. Day 6 I got sick and decided I couldn't do it. Nine days and I couldn't even do it! I can't keep constant prayer thought going whether in adoration or elsewhere. I can't focus. I can't conquer the same sins that I struggle with because I can't discipline myself enough to break out of my old ways. Every part of my life, from my messy room, to my messy car, to my messy mind, to my messy life, is undisciplined.
REVELATION #3
I'm lazy.
See above. I don't change any of the above because I lack the drive and determination to do anyhting about it (also because of revelation number four listed below).
REVELATION #4
I am paralyzed by fear.
I think that deep down inside my heart I am afraid I'm not good enough. Every decision I've ever made in my life I have settled for the easy way out because I didn't think I could do the harder thing. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being good enough. Oh sure I was conscious of it in the big decisions, like applying to colleges...I didn't think I could go to a big name school, or move away from home, I didn't think I could handle it. But I didn't realize that it affected me subconsciously, without me even knowing it. Things like trying to eat healthy, getting in shape for soccer, putting effort into friendships, pretty much all of the things that I listed above. Even the littlest thing such as asking a question in class.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked." Revelation 3:15-17
Someone told me once that it is a grave sin to be lazy, to do nothing with your life and to be paralyyzed by fear. I didn't understand what was so bad about it then. But now it makes sense. My life disgusts me. I appear to have everything together and to be composed...but am I really? No. Inside, and in my mind I'm a mess. A disgusting, lazy, lukewarm mess. I'm lukewarm. My heart is in it but life is not. I know what I need to do, I know how I should be living, but I am not doing it, I am not living it. I disgust myself, and I disgust God so much he wants to spit me out of his mouth, like disgusting vomit. The readings at mass on Sunday, th first day of advent, really spoke to me. They talked about making the changes and not waiting until it was too late. The homily was about advent as a time of preparation for the coming of Christ. A time to prepare our lives to be worthy of Christ's presense in them. A time of waiting, reflection, and preparation. These are things I need to change. Advent is the perfect time to discipline myself and make the changes that need to be made. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of being disgusting. I'm tired of being afraid.
This prayer was on my heart during mass on Sunday. I thought it came from the reading but I just looked back thorugh them and it wasn't there. I guess God put it on my heart.
Lord, help me to cling to Heaven the same way I cling to you so that my decisions and actions may be worthy of You, and worthy of Heaven. Help me to love Heaven, Lord. Amen."
These are the readings from Sunday. The message is very clear to me. I need to burn the words on my heart so that they may permeate my actions. Thank You for Your words Lord, that cut deep into my heart.
"Brothers and sisters:
You know the time;
it is the hour now for you to awake from sleep.
For our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed;
the night is advanced, the day is at hand.
Let us then throw off the works of darkness
and put on the armor of light;
let us conduct ourselves properly as in the day,
not in orgies and drunkenness,
not in promiscuity and lust,
not in rivalry and jealousy.
But put on the Lord Jesus Christ,
and make no provision for the desires of the flesh."
Romans 13:11-14
"Jesus said to his disciples:
'As it was in the days of Noah,
so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.
In those days before the flood,
they were eating and drinking,
marrying and giving in marriage,
up to the day that Noah entered the ark.
They did not know until the flood came and carried them all away.
So will it be also at the coming of the Son of Man.
Two men will be out in the field;
one will be taken, and one will be left.
Two women will be grinding at the mill;
one will be taken, and one will be left.
Therefore, stay awake!
For you do not know on which day your Lord will come.
Be sure of this: if the master of the house
had known the hour of night when the thief was coming,
he would have stayed awake
and not let his house be broken into.
So too, you also must be prepared,
for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come.'"
Mt 24:37-44
REVELATION #1
I'm not over it.
I'm being seriously spiritually attacked. I should be exstatic for two of my best friends who have decided to date again. I should be overjoyed at the fact that to gorgeous people, with amazing faith, and vibrant personality have found each other and are exploring their love for each other. But I'm not. That's why I'm evil. I'm battling myself on this one. Battling my thoughts. Battling my attitude. Battling my unwillingness to pray about it and give it to God. I thought I was done with it, but then they started dating and being affectionate. And I turned into a monster. It's everything he stands for. It's everything she is that I'm not. It's the fact that I'm insecure and hard hearted and I am finding it hard to believe that something as good as what they have is out there waiting for me. It's everything about the two of them together, and yet nothing to do with them at all.
REVELATION #2
I'm undisciplined.
I'm totally a mess in my life. Completely and totally undisciplined in every way. I'm undisciplined physically. I eat whatever I want, can't seem to stay to a healthy eating routine, let alone a diet. I don't excercise unless its for a soccer team and then only because I have to. I don't even have the drive to get myself in shape for playing soccer, I just play in the shape I'm in and hope it gets better as the season goes on. I'm undisciplined emotionally. I don't put effort into relationships at all. Everyone else always puts in the effort. Everyone else always has to come to me. I don't self disclose, I remain at bay in most relationships because I know I don't have the discipline to pull through if someone really needed me. I undisciplined intellectually. I'm terrible with school. I only do assignments or show up when I really have to. I don't study. I spend a minimal amount of time on school work. I do only what I need to get by. I don't challenge myself intellectually because I'm not disciplined enough to follow through with the challenge. I'm undisciplined spiritually. I don't pray regularly. When it comes to my own spiritual life I can't stick to a regimen. I told myself I was going to pray my first novena for nine days. Day 6 I got sick and decided I couldn't do it. Nine days and I couldn't even do it! I can't keep constant prayer thought going whether in adoration or elsewhere. I can't focus. I can't conquer the same sins that I struggle with because I can't discipline myself enough to break out of my old ways. Every part of my life, from my messy room, to my messy car, to my messy mind, to my messy life, is undisciplined.
REVELATION #3
I'm lazy.
See above. I don't change any of the above because I lack the drive and determination to do anyhting about it (also because of revelation number four listed below).
REVELATION #4
I am paralyzed by fear.
I think that deep down inside my heart I am afraid I'm not good enough. Every decision I've ever made in my life I have settled for the easy way out because I didn't think I could do the harder thing. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being good enough. Oh sure I was conscious of it in the big decisions, like applying to colleges...I didn't think I could go to a big name school, or move away from home, I didn't think I could handle it. But I didn't realize that it affected me subconsciously, without me even knowing it. Things like trying to eat healthy, getting in shape for soccer, putting effort into friendships, pretty much all of the things that I listed above. Even the littlest thing such as asking a question in class.
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked." Revelation 3:15-17
Someone told me once that it is a grave sin to be lazy, to do nothing with your life and to be paralyyzed by fear. I didn't understand what was so bad about it then. But now it makes sense. My life disgusts me. I appear to have everything together and to be composed...but am I really? No. Inside, and in my mind I'm a mess. A disgusting, lazy, lukewarm mess. I'm lukewarm. My heart is in it but life is not. I know what I need to do, I know how I should be living, but I am not doing it, I am not living it. I disgust myself, and I disgust God so much he wants to spit me out of his mouth, like disgusting vomit. The readings at mass on Sunday, th first day of advent, really spoke to me. They talked about making the changes and not waiting until it was too late. The homily was about advent as a time of preparation for the coming of Christ. A time to prepare our lives to be worthy of Christ's presense in them. A time of waiting, reflection, and preparation. These are things I need to change. Advent is the perfect time to discipline myself and make the changes that need to be made. I'm tired of being lukewarm. I'm tired of being disgusting. I'm tired of being afraid.
This prayer was on my heart during mass on Sunday. I thought it came from the reading but I just looked back thorugh them and it wasn't there. I guess God put it on my heart.
Lord, help me to cling to Heaven the same way I cling to you so that my decisions and actions may be worthy of You, and worthy of Heaven. Help me to love Heaven, Lord. Amen."
These are the readings from Sunday. The message is very clear to me. I need to burn the words on my heart so that they may permeate my actions. Thank You for Your words Lord, that cut deep into my heart.
"Brothers and sisters:
You know the time;
it is the hour now for you to awake from sleep.
For our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed;
the night is advanced, the day is at hand.
Let us then throw off the works of darkness
and put on the armor of light;
let us conduct ourselves properly as in the day,
not in orgies and drunkenness,
not in promiscuity and lust,
not in rivalry and jealousy.
But put on the Lord Jesus Christ,
and make no provision for the desires of the flesh."
Romans 13:11-14
"Jesus said to his disciples:
'As it was in the days of Noah,
so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.
In those days before the flood,
they were eating and drinking,
marrying and giving in marriage,
up to the day that Noah entered the ark.
They did not know until the flood came and carried them all away.
So will it be also at the coming of the Son of Man.
Two men will be out in the field;
one will be taken, and one will be left.
Two women will be grinding at the mill;
one will be taken, and one will be left.
Therefore, stay awake!
For you do not know on which day your Lord will come.
Be sure of this: if the master of the house
had known the hour of night when the thief was coming,
he would have stayed awake
and not let his house be broken into.
So too, you also must be prepared,
for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come.'"
Mt 24:37-44