so this is the new year
2005? filled with mistakes, human error, and bad judgement. 2006 will hold the same. thats the beauty of being human- its pretty damn predictable.
i fuck up constantly. everyone does. i pretend. i can paint my face a million different ways and wear different clothes to trick whomever i feel like at the moment. i can be someone you hate one day and someone you love the next. but thats just me. and thats you. we all pretend, in different ways. my appearances and my actions may be pretend- but my emotions, my essence... isn't.
i never have and never will lie about what i essentially am. i am not a liar. i won't lie about how i feel and i won't make excuses for my actions or my emotions. my actions are just shit i did- good or bad or however you want to interpret it. but i won't split my emotions into good and bad. i won't paint them black and white. and i won't lie about them. and i don't want anyone else to either. they're just there. and if you or any one else can't accept that... then you can't accept me. and i have been beautifully blessed with people that constantly forgive me. that know my humanity, usually more than i do. but i won't ask for an apology if i don't think i deserve it. i won't make excuses for my actions to make anyone- most importantly, myself- feel better.
but i can promise one thing- if i am giving an apology, i am doing so with all of my being. as cheesey as that sounds. if i say i'm sorry, i mean it. if i say i fucked up- i realize it. and no, i can't promise it won't happen again. because i make the same fucking stupid decisions over and over again. i fuck up over and over. just like every other person in the world. i act without thinking, i act selfishly. at times. and other times i give everything i have for someone else. those are the times i am proud of. and i am sure as hell not proud of everything i do. there are people that i would give everything for. these are the people that i respect, honor, love, and need the most. unfortunately these are also the people that i hurt the most. and i can only hope that the compassion in these people overrides my big fuck up, and they'll forgive me long enough to bridge the time between now and the next time i fuck up.
and i will sit there and pick other people apart for the flaws i see in myself. i will judge and ridicule and tear them apart and rip them into peices until those peices resemble something ugly that i can tear apart some more. and i realize that. but what makes me so different from them? why do i seem to think there's some line between us and them? and did i jump into the THEMS and leave the priveleged group of US?
I think new year's resolutions are fucking stupid, but this one crept up on me and shoved itself down my throat. i will not be negative anymore. i will not hold myself higher than anyone else. i will not judge. i will not make excuses for myself. i can say all that now and i'll fuck it up later. but at least i'm admitting that i do it and that i don't want to anymore.
i don't think that i'm better than you, but i don't think that i'm worse.
i fuck up constantly. everyone does. i pretend. i can paint my face a million different ways and wear different clothes to trick whomever i feel like at the moment. i can be someone you hate one day and someone you love the next. but thats just me. and thats you. we all pretend, in different ways. my appearances and my actions may be pretend- but my emotions, my essence... isn't.
i never have and never will lie about what i essentially am. i am not a liar. i won't lie about how i feel and i won't make excuses for my actions or my emotions. my actions are just shit i did- good or bad or however you want to interpret it. but i won't split my emotions into good and bad. i won't paint them black and white. and i won't lie about them. and i don't want anyone else to either. they're just there. and if you or any one else can't accept that... then you can't accept me. and i have been beautifully blessed with people that constantly forgive me. that know my humanity, usually more than i do. but i won't ask for an apology if i don't think i deserve it. i won't make excuses for my actions to make anyone- most importantly, myself- feel better.
but i can promise one thing- if i am giving an apology, i am doing so with all of my being. as cheesey as that sounds. if i say i'm sorry, i mean it. if i say i fucked up- i realize it. and no, i can't promise it won't happen again. because i make the same fucking stupid decisions over and over again. i fuck up over and over. just like every other person in the world. i act without thinking, i act selfishly. at times. and other times i give everything i have for someone else. those are the times i am proud of. and i am sure as hell not proud of everything i do. there are people that i would give everything for. these are the people that i respect, honor, love, and need the most. unfortunately these are also the people that i hurt the most. and i can only hope that the compassion in these people overrides my big fuck up, and they'll forgive me long enough to bridge the time between now and the next time i fuck up.
and i will sit there and pick other people apart for the flaws i see in myself. i will judge and ridicule and tear them apart and rip them into peices until those peices resemble something ugly that i can tear apart some more. and i realize that. but what makes me so different from them? why do i seem to think there's some line between us and them? and did i jump into the THEMS and leave the priveleged group of US?
I think new year's resolutions are fucking stupid, but this one crept up on me and shoved itself down my throat. i will not be negative anymore. i will not hold myself higher than anyone else. i will not judge. i will not make excuses for myself. i can say all that now and i'll fuck it up later. but at least i'm admitting that i do it and that i don't want to anymore.
i don't think that i'm better than you, but i don't think that i'm worse.