stupid feelings.. i want them GONE!!!!
I was just reading all my entries from the past year.. its like if i knew how things would of turned out then I wouldn't of wasted soo much on this complete asshole. This whole town reminds me of him. I pass his street everyday i go to school. I just spent soo much wasted time with him, hanging out every other day with him. He was really all i knew here... when I met him last Nov. and ugh it just makes me sick looking back on everything. I wish I can just forget everything. But i can't. i don't want to think about him anymore. I don't want these feelings anymore. Its not that I want him back, it not that I miss him (only alittle, but I miss the person he showed me, which wasn't real at all. its just that I thought it was real. I thought what we had meant MORE to him. HOw can you just treat someone like shit and have no sympathy for them. I don't understand that. I really don't. In the end it completly meant nothing. Yes I know I could have been more psychical with him but for some reason I always seem to put my guard up and it helps me in the end because I don't give that much to another person soo i really don't lose out on that much. Experience is the best teacher but it hurts the worst. NOw i really do put my guard up more because that pain i felt, what he put me through, oh man I never want to go throught that again. I know I shouldn't think about him, i know I shouldn't even care. yes its been a while since this happened. but its not going away. I don't know what to do to make it go away. THe more I try to block it out. the more it seems to come back. At first, I kept telling myself he doesn't deserve this attention. he is a piece of shit, and that really helped but then the more I blocked out the feelings it just keeps on coming back in my heart. I know I dont need him. I know he is a loser and will never have the fine things in life because he doesn't know how to EARN them. Everytime i watch 90210, David.. omg reminds me of him sooooooooooooooooo much it makes me wanna puke. especially his eyes, assholes eyes are haunting me... I just want to forget. I really was starting to fall for him and thats the sad part. BUt its really time to face reality and realize that he isn't the one for me. He wasn't someone i wanted to have a future with.. but I just loved the way he make me feel at the time. But those times it wasn't real. He was fake. BUT its hard to know that it was fake. :( those times i swore up and down it was REAL. why does this have to hurt soooo bad??? I shouldn't look back... I shouldn't because everything has happened.. can't change anything. sooo why do i continue to look back?? I tend to dwell on bad things.. grrrrrrrrrrrrr I need to stop.
on a lighter note.
my birthday is in 51 days. hehe my 21st birthday. Im soo excited. Diana's baby is coming soon. HOPEFULLY she comes on my birthday ;) if not then probably the first week of Dec. I so can't wait for Skyla to be here. she is really going to be the cutest baby ever. Ummmm Im going to MI for new years. :) and I get to see him again :) yay! We've always had that connection that I love.
Then it will be 2007. Damn this year.. has really flown by. I remember when I first moved here. it sucked then it got better when I started working. Then worked my ass off for the longest time. THen work became my second home. Made some really awesome friends that have helped me like it here better.
2006--
Jan... worked my ass off, started off with a crazy party at Matts, umm party at Kristin's for tessas 22nd birthday, more work, my sister came to visit
FEB... worked some more, hung out with Tony alot--spent every other day with him, Valentines day with him was good, worked more...
March... stoped talking with Tony for this whole month, Met an awesome friend that will be a forever friend Diana, went to a party at matts with Dianaa and spent the night over her house and from there we've been good friends since, Found out she was prego before I went to MI :) i knew all along she was, went to MICHIGAN it was for the most part a good trip but some parts weren't that great because everyone had work, school, and doing their own thing--and a new encounter with someone I really love the way he makes me feel, missed Tony for all that month he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me he just stopped ALL contact.
April.. started talking to Tony again and thats when I knew I wanted to be with him, i just loved being around him, worked more, spend time with diana helping her over come her morning sickness, Then found out my cousin is prego, worked MORE...
May... worked more and more, hung out with Diana, by the end of the month our final ending to our "relationship" found out about the other side of Tony how he had sex with more than one girl while were talking and he just wanted to be friends as soon as I found out about him and Amber. but him denying everything and then all of a sudden he didnt want to be "with" me anymore. worked more..
June...worked.. worked... worked.. hung out with diana, beginning of summer. found out more stuff about Tony, baby shower for Alveta
July went to Hawaii and Cali with my best guy friend Billy. really had a awesome time, got my mind off alot and I thought i wanted Tony back and thought about calling him and forgiving him about everything but ending up not calling, went to Kings Dominion with work had a blast. the work somemore....
Aug. work, beginning of school, meeting new people, cut back on work, metting my new friend Ashley,then finding out my friend--who i thought was my friend, is dating Tony she knew everything about how i felt, her reasoning of being with him was you talked shit about me... that bitch can go jump off a bridge for all i care.
finish this later... lol
oh yes.. happy birthday robbie. I LOVE YOU ANd miss you! RIP
im tired of writing.. :)
on a lighter note.
my birthday is in 51 days. hehe my 21st birthday. Im soo excited. Diana's baby is coming soon. HOPEFULLY she comes on my birthday ;) if not then probably the first week of Dec. I so can't wait for Skyla to be here. she is really going to be the cutest baby ever. Ummmm Im going to MI for new years. :) and I get to see him again :) yay! We've always had that connection that I love.
Then it will be 2007. Damn this year.. has really flown by. I remember when I first moved here. it sucked then it got better when I started working. Then worked my ass off for the longest time. THen work became my second home. Made some really awesome friends that have helped me like it here better.
2006--
Jan... worked my ass off, started off with a crazy party at Matts, umm party at Kristin's for tessas 22nd birthday, more work, my sister came to visit
FEB... worked some more, hung out with Tony alot--spent every other day with him, Valentines day with him was good, worked more...
March... stoped talking with Tony for this whole month, Met an awesome friend that will be a forever friend Diana, went to a party at matts with Dianaa and spent the night over her house and from there we've been good friends since, Found out she was prego before I went to MI :) i knew all along she was, went to MICHIGAN it was for the most part a good trip but some parts weren't that great because everyone had work, school, and doing their own thing--and a new encounter with someone I really love the way he makes me feel, missed Tony for all that month he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me he just stopped ALL contact.
April.. started talking to Tony again and thats when I knew I wanted to be with him, i just loved being around him, worked more, spend time with diana helping her over come her morning sickness, Then found out my cousin is prego, worked MORE...
May... worked more and more, hung out with Diana, by the end of the month our final ending to our "relationship" found out about the other side of Tony how he had sex with more than one girl while were talking and he just wanted to be friends as soon as I found out about him and Amber. but him denying everything and then all of a sudden he didnt want to be "with" me anymore. worked more..
June...worked.. worked... worked.. hung out with diana, beginning of summer. found out more stuff about Tony, baby shower for Alveta
July went to Hawaii and Cali with my best guy friend Billy. really had a awesome time, got my mind off alot and I thought i wanted Tony back and thought about calling him and forgiving him about everything but ending up not calling, went to Kings Dominion with work had a blast. the work somemore....
Aug. work, beginning of school, meeting new people, cut back on work, metting my new friend Ashley,then finding out my friend--who i thought was my friend, is dating Tony she knew everything about how i felt, her reasoning of being with him was you talked shit about me... that bitch can go jump off a bridge for all i care.
finish this later... lol
oh yes.. happy birthday robbie. I LOVE YOU ANd miss you! RIP
im tired of writing.. :)