First Hornblower ficlet
Title: A Smart Man's Folly
By: Lil
Fandom: Hornblower
Pairing: None, exactly, or two perhaps.
Rating: Teen
Warning: Slash (very non explicit), angst
Disclaimer: The Forrester estate, A&E and various other companies own Horatio Hornblower, not me. No profit made.
This is my first foray into Hornblower fanfic, exactly 400 words. It's not at all what I expected to be posting. I'd like to thank mylodon for her friendship and for the stories that have kept me hooked on this fandom.
Here goes nothing...
A Smart Man's Folly
What kind of fool turns his back on not one miracle but two? To have found him alive was a gift. That he accepted my aid and turned his eyes to me doubly so, especially given my role in consigning him to two years of hell.
I could not believe my good fortune at first, but the warmth of his regard melted my doubts. We never spoke of it. We never needed to. The joy of his company and the touch of his hand were all I allowed myself as he healed. He needed time to recover himself unburdened by my own selfish desires.
However, once we were free, surrounded once more by the routine of Navy life, I hesitated. Too afraid of what others might see, of how I might be judged. At the first opportunity, I looked to another and left him behind. She was an easy choice, unimpeachable. I mourn her death but I cannot deny the shameful relief it brought me. She deserved better, as does he.
He never reproached me, accepted my distance, saved my life on that bridge and even comforted me after the death of one I seemingly chose above him. He still smiles at me, still offers his hand in friendship. But there is a degree of warmth missing now, a reserve in his manner which had been foreign to our friendship.
He departs tomorrow for shore and his lieutenant's exam. Major Edrington will accompany him; I have no leave to do so. I have heard them speak of sharing dinner in Portsmouth and my heart cries at the thought of what else they may share. I am no longer blind to such possibilities, and Edrington's desires are plain to one of like mind. Nor can I blame either of them. I renounced any claim I might have had quite publicly, he has no reason to refrain. And how can I fault the major for recognizing a treasure when he sees it?
I had learned his value to me upon losing him, but in having him back again I allowed this most painful lesson to fade from memory. It is only fair I suffer this loss anew as I proved too dim-witted to retain what I learned, to act upon my knowledge when given the chance.
No miracle will save me from what I have wrought this time. A coward deserves none.
By: Lil
Fandom: Hornblower
Pairing: None, exactly, or two perhaps.
Rating: Teen
Warning: Slash (very non explicit), angst
Disclaimer: The Forrester estate, A&E and various other companies own Horatio Hornblower, not me. No profit made.
This is my first foray into Hornblower fanfic, exactly 400 words. It's not at all what I expected to be posting. I'd like to thank mylodon for her friendship and for the stories that have kept me hooked on this fandom.
Here goes nothing...
A Smart Man's Folly
What kind of fool turns his back on not one miracle but two? To have found him alive was a gift. That he accepted my aid and turned his eyes to me doubly so, especially given my role in consigning him to two years of hell.
I could not believe my good fortune at first, but the warmth of his regard melted my doubts. We never spoke of it. We never needed to. The joy of his company and the touch of his hand were all I allowed myself as he healed. He needed time to recover himself unburdened by my own selfish desires.
However, once we were free, surrounded once more by the routine of Navy life, I hesitated. Too afraid of what others might see, of how I might be judged. At the first opportunity, I looked to another and left him behind. She was an easy choice, unimpeachable. I mourn her death but I cannot deny the shameful relief it brought me. She deserved better, as does he.
He never reproached me, accepted my distance, saved my life on that bridge and even comforted me after the death of one I seemingly chose above him. He still smiles at me, still offers his hand in friendship. But there is a degree of warmth missing now, a reserve in his manner which had been foreign to our friendship.
He departs tomorrow for shore and his lieutenant's exam. Major Edrington will accompany him; I have no leave to do so. I have heard them speak of sharing dinner in Portsmouth and my heart cries at the thought of what else they may share. I am no longer blind to such possibilities, and Edrington's desires are plain to one of like mind. Nor can I blame either of them. I renounced any claim I might have had quite publicly, he has no reason to refrain. And how can I fault the major for recognizing a treasure when he sees it?
I had learned his value to me upon losing him, but in having him back again I allowed this most painful lesson to fade from memory. It is only fair I suffer this loss anew as I proved too dim-witted to retain what I learned, to act upon my knowledge when given the chance.
No miracle will save me from what I have wrought this time. A coward deserves none.