some people say change is a good thing, but i kinda like the person that i used to be better
my last post on here was march 21st, 2006, which i believe was during spring break last year. not even a year ago. it's so amazing how much has changed since then. i don't want to go through everything that's changed. i know what has for the good and for the bad. and let's just say that 11 months ago i probably never thought i would be here. not here as in alive, but here as in the place that i am at right now. this stage. the stage where sometimes i think i am more immature now than i was then. this stage that leads me to do things without thinking and where i have no control. it really is that way. everything just seems like it's spinning out of control and i don't know how to stop it. except i do know how to stop it. but i'm choosing not to. it's almost like i'm in denial that anything could go wrong. i think the night that i called my house completely proved that. i was completely incoherent and had no idea what i was saying or doing. just spinning out of control.
it seems like lately i'm always looking. today i was looking for an almost familiar face, in hopes that i could - i don't know what i would do.
i got my internship for this summer and am super excited about that, but it has consequently caused me to care a little less about school. even less than i already care about it. i wonder if that's my problem. that i just don't care about anything anymore. i used to think that was a good thing: that i didnt care what anyone though of me and that i just didnt care. maybe i took that too far. because now it seems i don't care about myself, i don't care about school. at least i still care about other people. i think. i don't know. i thought i knew what i was doing and now that i'm just writing this all out, maybe i don't care about other people. i really was a pretty bad friend this weekend and did some pretty self-interested things. in general i do a lot of pretty self-interested things.
i think now, and i've thought this before, that i've lost some of my focus. my attention for a lot of things is gone and i'm not interested in some of the things that i used to be. some people that i used to be. of course people change, and god knows i've changed. some people say change is a good thing, but i kinda like the person that i used to be better. i don't even really know who i am anymore. so many of the things that used to define me are gone. i feel like if some people knew what i have become, they wouldn't recognize me either. my parents being 2 of them. there is so much going on right now that i would never tell them, mostly because i'm too ashamed because i never thought i would be like this. they got a glimpse of my life that night and it scared them shitless. it scared me shitless. i guess that's the shitty thing about college. what happens in athens stays in athens. and that really is the truth. as much as brecksville is boring and all, college (and by college, i mean mostly this quarter) has just been a vacation to las vegas.