insert title with sarah mclachlan lyric.
Rainer Maria Rilke said, Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. I love that quote, those words, that idea. Maybe I love it because its something I am not very good at. A beautiful concept to stare at on the wall, like a famous painting. Something you only see in movies, but would never happen in your own life.
I am so in love with everything lately. Maybe that's actually a problem. Who would have thought that being so in love with everything would ever be a problem? I guess if it's a problem its a pretty good one to have... but it can make things complicated. Like when you are so in love with what you are learning and how passionate you are about helping children... until you get your first few cases and you feel like someone punched you in the stomach when you read over everything. Suddenly, everything you love has BIG problems. Like, bigger than anything little ol' you knows how to "fix". And maybe you know deep down in your heart that you are not responsible, nor capable, of "fixing" anyone - but you still feel responsible. You still feel like you want to reach into these kid's worlds and pluck them out, even if thats not the best thing for them; even if its only because it will make YOU feel better.
And so as soon as I climbed into my car today, the stress exploded into furious little tears. Mountains of sobs and feelings of helplessness and inadequateness fell to the floor with an audible crash. Not one ounce of patience for the many unsolved things flittering around in my heart.
Eventually, as it usually happens, the good people in my life come swimming toward me with a buoy and we eventually make it to that place where it's okay to not be okay with everything. Where its okay to be scared and feel responsible without really being responsible and its just okay to NOT be okay. Where its okay to be patient with the things that don't feel like they have any time, and to just take a deep breath - or five - and remember that I am not the Healer. Sometimes I think I want to be the healer, but then days like today put me in my place and remind me, ever so gracefully, that I am just an instrument. And what's more, I am a STUDENT instrument. We're calling them "interns" these days and not "instruments" but I like to think its pretty much the same thing. Counselor, therapist, developer, believer, instrument.... all of the above. Check check check check check.
Patient? Not a chance. Still learning? Every. Single. Day.
I am so in love with everything lately. Maybe that's actually a problem. Who would have thought that being so in love with everything would ever be a problem? I guess if it's a problem its a pretty good one to have... but it can make things complicated. Like when you are so in love with what you are learning and how passionate you are about helping children... until you get your first few cases and you feel like someone punched you in the stomach when you read over everything. Suddenly, everything you love has BIG problems. Like, bigger than anything little ol' you knows how to "fix". And maybe you know deep down in your heart that you are not responsible, nor capable, of "fixing" anyone - but you still feel responsible. You still feel like you want to reach into these kid's worlds and pluck them out, even if thats not the best thing for them; even if its only because it will make YOU feel better.
And so as soon as I climbed into my car today, the stress exploded into furious little tears. Mountains of sobs and feelings of helplessness and inadequateness fell to the floor with an audible crash. Not one ounce of patience for the many unsolved things flittering around in my heart.
Eventually, as it usually happens, the good people in my life come swimming toward me with a buoy and we eventually make it to that place where it's okay to not be okay with everything. Where its okay to be scared and feel responsible without really being responsible and its just okay to NOT be okay. Where its okay to be patient with the things that don't feel like they have any time, and to just take a deep breath - or five - and remember that I am not the Healer. Sometimes I think I want to be the healer, but then days like today put me in my place and remind me, ever so gracefully, that I am just an instrument. And what's more, I am a STUDENT instrument. We're calling them "interns" these days and not "instruments" but I like to think its pretty much the same thing. Counselor, therapist, developer, believer, instrument.... all of the above. Check check check check check.
Patient? Not a chance. Still learning? Every. Single. Day.