(no subject)
Have you ever had to wake up in the middle of the night hearing your mother crying? Or hear random sobs in the kitchen that seem to eminate throughout the house like screaming that you can't ignore no matter how high you turn up the stupid tv? "This place is a prison". Like a bad nightmare you just can't get out of. Everything is out of control. Since when do we have to fold our own laundry? usually one person just folds it and then the person who's laundry is being folded is put away by the owner. Thats the way its always been. Life is just moving in slow motion for me right now, not to mention a stupid ass mistake I made which i wont get into, if ur supposed to know, you know. I just need a vodka tonic right now which is impossible because of the fact that my dad took my stash...wtf. I'm contemplating going to the beach tomorrow, the only place where I feel really happy is at the beach. It's so beautiful there, and I never realized how much I love it until today. Things are so insane at my house, everything feels like it's going backward in reverse. I've been outside w/ my momma actually smoking a cigarette in front of her and she doesn't care. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's so wierd. She doesn't seem like she cares about anything anymore, except getting my dad back. If i told her i was going to orlando now and never coming back she would prolly tell me "don't forget your toothbrush". All i hear 24/7 is questions about my dad, about my dads place, about my dad's life. I don't know if its gonna get better, she has turned into pretty much a zombie. Sometimes I watch her from the kitchen what has now become my favorite hangout considering my weight gain, and she just stares. She just sits in my dads chair and stares at the wall and sometimes she doesn't even blink. And then she starts talking to herself, as if my dad was there. And then she cries. Sometimes she cries alot, sometimes its just a little tear. And I pretend I never saw anything and go outside to talk with her to help her snap out of it. It doesn't seem to be working. She bought a new tv today to replace the one my dad took outside, and she collapsed and cried when she was trying to bring it in the house. Who has to live with that? My dad has abused her for so many years and when he's finally gone she thinks she can't do anything alone! It makes me so angry I just want to take the gun and shoot him just to put her out of her misery. But I can't, because as much as I hate him, I love him more. I hope nobody has to deal with something like this ever in their life. I think I'm going to go to barnes and noble and pick out a good book or something, because i feel as though I'm so lost in life and I'm stuck in a big bucket of glue and that i'm just sticking to the same place and to the same fucked up shit that I do everyday that eventually will bring the consequences, but things are so out of the ordinary that my head is spinning around in 8 million directions and I can't control the things I do. I'm working purely out of impulse, thank goodness for the little things I do to escape or else I would be caught in a life full of depression and monotony. Nothing even matters to me anymore, If you told me the world is gonna end tomorrow I wouldn't care, the only thing I care about is getting order back into my life, which seems to me impossible for some time.