Wow, long time...
So, it has been a hella long time since I've been on here. I'm finally went back to school, so that has had me fairly busy. Don't really have anyone in my life right now. Just been talking to a few people, but don't know if anything is there or not. Life isn't as hectic as it used to be. I still get down from time to time, nightmares and all. I just try not to let it take control of everything again. Don't get me wrong, I have my days... but who doesn't, I guess.
I have a goddaughter now, and she brightens me up everytime I am down.. my nephews too. They are getting so big. I'm glad I came back from the beach.. I don't think I could live without them for long again.
I'm still confused about myself really. I seem to connect better with guys, but I've always wanted a family I've never had. I want a wife and kids, and I would be totally faithful and honest with them. A lot of people say that I shouldn't do that because it would be wrong and not fair to said wife and kids. Why would it be wrong if it's something that I want? It's not like I'm like other guys out there who get married and have kids, then go out and fuck whatever they want. I'm a totally faithful person, and when I'm with that person.. I'm in it for the long haul. I doubt I will ever find that someone, though. I've been single for almost 4 years now, excluding the little Kayla shit, but that was no where near a real relationship. I see all my friends from high school.. all married with kids. It just makes me feel like I'm missing out on life.
I've been a pretty god damn shitty friend lately, and I can't see why anyone would still want to stick with me through this shit. I don't even have any excuses to how I've been treating everyone. They would do anything for me, but I just don't have the strength the help/be there for anyone right now. I'm still trying to find myself. I want to find the real me. Do some real soul searching, in a way. I also don't want to lose my friends... but the track that I'm going.. they will be gone soon. Ashley just moved even further away and I haven't heard from her in weeks. Guess I know how she feels now when I don't call. And Stacey... I can't even begin to imagine how her and Shawn feel... I totally ditched them and ruined everything. I just hope they find it in their hearts to forgive me, because they are truly great people. Anyone would be happy to have these people in their lives, but why do I act the way I do?
I haven't been to therapy in months, I've been off medication since about Oct of last year. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go back again anytime soon. Being in school, having no job (with no potentials) I check the paper everday, but never anything in there. I have some of the craziest mood swings, and I feel like the only thing that calms me, or keeps me chill is marijuana. I'm sorry, but whoever said that it's a depressant must have been seriously fucked up. It should be legal, and I don't see why it's not. Studies have shown it's 99% safer than alcohol, but yet we serve that almost everywhere.
And what's with all the gay hate lately? All these killings, suicides, hate-crimes. People need to stop being so god damn ignorant and realize that it isn't a choice. I mean really, who would choose to be gay/bi/lesbian. I don't think anyone would... look at the shit that we have to go through everyday. And they say this is a free country... free country my ass.
I think this is enough for right now. Maybe I'll update again soon, maybe not. Who knows...
Peace.
I have a goddaughter now, and she brightens me up everytime I am down.. my nephews too. They are getting so big. I'm glad I came back from the beach.. I don't think I could live without them for long again.
I'm still confused about myself really. I seem to connect better with guys, but I've always wanted a family I've never had. I want a wife and kids, and I would be totally faithful and honest with them. A lot of people say that I shouldn't do that because it would be wrong and not fair to said wife and kids. Why would it be wrong if it's something that I want? It's not like I'm like other guys out there who get married and have kids, then go out and fuck whatever they want. I'm a totally faithful person, and when I'm with that person.. I'm in it for the long haul. I doubt I will ever find that someone, though. I've been single for almost 4 years now, excluding the little Kayla shit, but that was no where near a real relationship. I see all my friends from high school.. all married with kids. It just makes me feel like I'm missing out on life.
I've been a pretty god damn shitty friend lately, and I can't see why anyone would still want to stick with me through this shit. I don't even have any excuses to how I've been treating everyone. They would do anything for me, but I just don't have the strength the help/be there for anyone right now. I'm still trying to find myself. I want to find the real me. Do some real soul searching, in a way. I also don't want to lose my friends... but the track that I'm going.. they will be gone soon. Ashley just moved even further away and I haven't heard from her in weeks. Guess I know how she feels now when I don't call. And Stacey... I can't even begin to imagine how her and Shawn feel... I totally ditched them and ruined everything. I just hope they find it in their hearts to forgive me, because they are truly great people. Anyone would be happy to have these people in their lives, but why do I act the way I do?
I haven't been to therapy in months, I've been off medication since about Oct of last year. And to be honest, I don't think I'll be able to go back again anytime soon. Being in school, having no job (with no potentials) I check the paper everday, but never anything in there. I have some of the craziest mood swings, and I feel like the only thing that calms me, or keeps me chill is marijuana. I'm sorry, but whoever said that it's a depressant must have been seriously fucked up. It should be legal, and I don't see why it's not. Studies have shown it's 99% safer than alcohol, but yet we serve that almost everywhere.
And what's with all the gay hate lately? All these killings, suicides, hate-crimes. People need to stop being so god damn ignorant and realize that it isn't a choice. I mean really, who would choose to be gay/bi/lesbian. I don't think anyone would... look at the shit that we have to go through everyday. And they say this is a free country... free country my ass.
I think this is enough for right now. Maybe I'll update again soon, maybe not. Who knows...
Peace.