Nov 18, 2005 20:51
So last night was the NFT at the Orbit room.Got there late but It was so fucking sweet. I met the bands.. kick ass. Got a few autographs... hangout with with the bands with a few friends from Grand Rapids Catholic Central. It was so sweet having backstage passes though. Was a first for me.Never been backstage at a concert. Had a good ole time though... Didn't see any of the gurls from shores.. which was sad cuz I haven't seen them since a football game awhile back. They were kinda mad at me though when I told them I had a backstage pass but they still luh me.. I think? hopefully. there fun to hang out with. But ya then I got home and stepped on ice and twisted my ankle... its still swollen and its all black and blue so maybe its sprained? I dunno not goin to get it checked out cuz I'm a stubborn kid. ne ways that was my night last night and now for today....
So ya tonight I've been sitting home thinking about alot of shit. And I've realized no one likes me around fruitport. I have very few friends from fruitport that actually call and that I hangout with. Everyone else just I dunno. And I was thinking about this college situation. And I came to the conclusion that I want to go out of state to college. I already filled out a few apps for colleges out of state and have been accepted into one of them about a month ago but then I found something out and then I decided that I should stick around to be there for her. But the past few days it seems like she has been avoiding me. Saying shes goin to call me when she gets home and never does so I call her and shes to busy to talk to me.. so ya I think its time for me to let go.. I don't want to but she wants me too.. she hasn't told me that but I can tell by the way shes acting.. so ya I thought about the whole college thing again and I think I am gonna go for it.. Goodbye Michigan! And me going away to college means all you people here don't have to deal with me anymore. Not for the next 4 years atleast maybe not at all ne more... maybe after college I will move down there for good.. maybe I'll move to a different state. I don't know yet. Which brings me to the next thing.. high school... I need to get my home schooling down so I can get my diploma and go to college. At the rate I am going right now I will be done in about 2-3 months. which is really sweet cuz I'm getting sick of doing it. Then I will take a break til end of summer beginning of fall and off to college. Now all I got to do is figure out what I want to be.. I thought about a few things but I don't know if I want to do that the rest of my life. I think I might go into accounting, or a stock broker. I was real good at accounting in H.s. at fruitport my freshman year and accounting 2 was pretty easy sophmore year. I need to figure this all out soon. The time is almost here for me to go away.. wll kinda far away but little less than a year away so ya I need to figure this all out.
Another thing I was thinking about is me. I'm still not exactly happy with myself. I don't like how I look I don't like my personality, I just don't like anything about me really. I hate being alone.. I like the feeling of having someone I can talk to anytime about anything and trust them with every word I say. I know I have a few friends who I can talk to and not have to worry about something like that but its not the same. My other bro.. Andrew I go to him whenever I need someone to talk to and I trust him but he's not one I want hugging me telling me everythings alright. He's one who I go to talk to when I'm pissed off about something. He's like an older brother to me but ya I don't like guys hugging me telling me things will be alright. I want someone I can go to to talk to them and they'll give me a hug tell me it'll all be alright and they won't think ne thing different of me if I start to cry becuase lately the things I've been thinking about most.. I start to cry. I hate it. And the things I've been thinking about alot.. they'll harm me and I would be letting people down. I'm sick of hurting other peoples feelings from me making stupid decisions. I need to figure my life out. I need to be happy once again. When I go out with friends I hide my true feelings. I'm always happy and bouncy and all that but on the inside I'm torn apart. Torn apart into a million pieces waiting to be put back together but it seems like I'll be waiting a long time for that. I don't think I can ever be the same... hopefully though I am wrong. I miss the old me right now. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of starving myself to try and make it so I like the way I look. I'm sick of sitting home all the time thinking everyone hates me cuz no one calls me to hang out ne more. I miss the old days. I miss my old self.
I think everyone would be happy if I just left them alone. I don't matter to anyone at all. I don't do anything right either.. All I do is hurt people. I hate this and mostly I hate myself for what I do to others and well what I do to myself as a result. I'll never be myself again.... I seriously need someone to talk to right now but unlike me everyone has a life and there out doing stuff with there friends so I have no one I can call and talk to.. So I'm going to go deal with things my way.. Someone please save me... I need it.
ADZ