Don't shoot the messenger!
Just when I think I've gotten past something it comes back with a vengeance. Things in my life are far far from perfect. But I am mostly content. I've worked hard to get here. About four years ago something happened around me that made me stand up and take notice of the person I was becoming. I didn't like her much. My dad is the most positive person I have ever come into contact with. No joke. I talk to him approximately once a week and I can't EVER remember him having something negative to say about how his week is going. Even now this amazes me! In the past I haven't always been the most positive. If I didn't know for certain that I am my father's daughter (just one look at the 2 of us will tell you that) I'd think perhaps I was dropped on my parents doorstep. Since I was little he's been saying to me "Life is what you make it." He taught me the "glass half ful principle" at a young age. I always listened and as I grew would internally sigh and roll my eyes. It's never stopped him though from telling me every chance he has that I need to see the things I did have an make a choice to be happy before I would ya know actually be happy. From my perspective that was dribble. I kept think happiness would just come. I expected that when I achieved some outward thing then happiness would just appear. But then 4 years ago.... my life was a mess. I could blame it on lots of things but the truth is I was kind of mired in crisis mode. Things happened, some that were beyond my control some I made worse by not taking control when I should have. I lost someone I cared about because it became so bad that I only knew how to function in a crisis. It wasn't until after this person was gone that I really started to see who I was becoming and decided to make some some much needed changes in my world view. Thankfully for the most part with a few days when I've given myself a good scolding things are much better. Until this weekend ... when I discovered something. This isn't easy for me to put out there but hopefully doing so will help me remember my part in it this for next time. I EXPECT people to leave me. Don't ask me where this comes from. I don't have sad stories about childhood abandonment. I didn't actually appear on my parents door step. We make each other nuts but I do know that they want the best for me. Even if we disagree on what best is. K and I had a horrible argument over the weekend. We don't argue much and when we do it's usually something to do with voice class and song choice. Hardly worth the time it takes type this out. This was decidedly different. He accused me of something I denied. It takes a lot for the 2 of us to get this kind of heated. Suddenly while he's telling me how I always do this it's like I'm trying to get rid of him and if I really just want him to leave, I should just say it and be done because he didn't have the energy to keep having the same fight. Really is that what we've been doing cause that was news to me? He reached his limit and told me that I really needed to decide what the heck I'm doing and left. I was angry and hurt and thought he was crazy. Then it got quiet and I'm sitting thinking mean things and like a bolt of the beyond it hit me I do in fact do that. I have this strange confusing belief that people are going to get tired of being around me. So I have a BAD habit of continual testing people I love and care about to make sure they aren't going to leave, which in fact probably gets horribly tiring. The more I thought about it I could think of at least 3 other relationships I doomed in this way. Because it doesn't matter apparently how many times people pass my incredibly arbitrary testing when I start to feel insecure I will in fact do it again. So no matter what anyone does or says it would appear it's never enough for me to trust them or myself. I don't have any ideas as to what started this self sabotaging pattern. But I can tell you, it's been there a LONG time. I am well aware I have trust issues by the way. But this was seeing how my trust issues affect other people for the first time or if not the first time in a very real and different way. So now I have some new knowledge about myself. I hope I can use it to handle things in a more grown up and better way. Cause this only serves to point out my faulty logic and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not sure what happens between K and I now. He's not ready to talk. I hope at some point soon he will want to. I know in the past at least in 3 cases the people involved left. Suddenly I'm not angry about that anymore. I think I set it up however unintentionally so that they had no other choice. Life lessons, don't you hate when the smack you upside the head like that.