The Grinch Who Stole Beltane
**A Note from the author**
In the spirit of laughter and fun I present this humble parody of
a beloved classic.
Please feel free to pass it on to others if you think they'd get a
laugh out of it!
The Grinch Who Stole Beltaine
With Sincere apologies to Dr Seuss
Parodied by Les
Every Witch down in Witchville Liked Beltaine a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Witchville, Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Beltaine! The whole sexy season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his politics bent too far to the right.
It could be that his boxers were stitched way too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his mind was closed up and small.
Whatever the reason, his mind or the stitches,
He stood there on Walpurgisnacht, hating the Witches,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted bonfires outside of town.
For he knew every Witch would be taking a stroll,
ending up at the square to dance the Maypole.
"And they're wearing no clothing!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Beltaine! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Beltaine from cumming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Witch lads and lasses,
would run round and round shaking their asses!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
There'd be gasping and grunting, lots of loud moaning
Squeals of laughter and deep lusty groaning.
They'd switch on their rabbits, with a vibrating grind
Mount each other laughing, in front and behind
Then the Witches, young and old, would lay side by side.
some on the bottom, others up top for the ride
They would do every page from the books from far east,
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Witch down in Witchville, the tall and the small,
Would lay close together, sweating and panting.
They'd lay hand-in-hand, then they'd start chanting!
They'd chant! And they'd sing! And they'd CHANT!
SING! CHANT! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Witchy Chant Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Beltaine from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick set of horns and the legs of a goat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy scam!"
"With these horns and fur legs, I look just like Old Pan!"
"All I need is a donkey..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since donkeys are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a jackass, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some brown thread,
And he tied two big ears the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle wagon and he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" and Max started to shed,
heading down where witches lay nude in their beds.
All their windows were dark. Wet dreams filled their heads.
All the witches were dreaming sexy dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Pan hissed,
And he climbed through the window, empty bags in his fist.
Then he crawled in the window dislodging a fan.
He swore he could do it and look like old Pan!
There the little May Baskets all stood in a row.
"These baskets of flowers are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, and then stopped and he prayed,
he sacked the whole room, and took every sex aid!
Dildos and cock rings, panties sans crotches
Vibrators, leather, and butt plugs with notches!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, almost draggin',
Stuffed all the bags in his jack-ass drawn wagon!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took their May feast!
He took all their tofu! He stole organic yeast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a quick.
Why, that Grinch even took their last goat cheese stick!
As he finished devouring the last whole wheat roll,
"And NOW!" snarled the Grinch, "I will steal their damned pole!"
And the Grinch grabbed the pole with its ribbons askew,
When he heard a small sound, like doves when they coo.
He turned around fast, and he saw nude witch!
"Oh man I am caught! Oh sonuvabitch!"
Morgan Wolf Starsheen who had just turned 18.
The Grinch had been caught by this curvy witch daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Great Pan oh why?,"
"Why are you taking our Maypole? No really, dude, WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little harlot," the faux satyr lied,
"There's a ribbon on here that's too long on one side."
"So I'm taking it out to the greenwood, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the maiden. Then he patted her head,
And he stared at her backside as she swayed back to bed.
And when Morgan Wolf went to bed in just her skin,
He set to stuffing the pole out again
He put the big pole through the window's tight slit
And the symbolism was lost on him, every last bit!
Then the last thing he took was the wood for their fire!
"They'll have to wear clothes now, without their May pyre!"
In their homes he left nothing but latent desire.
And the one thing he left was a speck of lube oil
And a condom with crinkled five-year-old foil
Then he did the same thing to the other witch stashes
Taking nipple clamps, batteries, handcuffs, and lashes!
It was quarter past dawn... All the folk, still asleep,
All the witches still twitching with dreams rich and deep,
The Grinch took their toys and their leather and hose
The rings from their nipples, the rings from their toes
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Drop dead to the witches!" he was grinchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Beltaine is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the witches will break down and all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound from the valley below.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Witchville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every witch down in Witchville, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any sex aides at all!
He HADN'T stopped Beltaine from cumming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his goat feet cramping one toe,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out dildoes! It came without whips!"
"It came without chains clamped onto nips!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Beltaine," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Beltaine...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
It's not all about sex or random desire
Or banging a drum stripped nude ..round a fire.
It's life, and it's love, and it's welcoming summer
Not just some half dressed goth-chick, giving a hummer.
Beltaine is sacred, as well as great fun!
Bless the Green Lady and the God of the Sun!!
And what happened then? Well...in Witchville they say,
That the Grinch's closed mind, well it opened that day!
And the minute his libido didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the sex- toys, set maypoles upright
And the Grinch himself, with Morgan, performed the Great Rite!
In the spirit of laughter and fun I present this humble parody of
a beloved classic.
Please feel free to pass it on to others if you think they'd get a
laugh out of it!
The Grinch Who Stole Beltaine
With Sincere apologies to Dr Seuss
Parodied by Les
Every Witch down in Witchville Liked Beltaine a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Witchville, Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Beltaine! The whole sexy season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his politics bent too far to the right.
It could be that his boxers were stitched way too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his mind was closed up and small.
Whatever the reason, his mind or the stitches,
He stood there on Walpurgisnacht, hating the Witches,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown,
At the warm lighted bonfires outside of town.
For he knew every Witch would be taking a stroll,
ending up at the square to dance the Maypole.
"And they're wearing no clothing!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Beltaine! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Beltaine from cumming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Witch lads and lasses,
would run round and round shaking their asses!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
There'd be gasping and grunting, lots of loud moaning
Squeals of laughter and deep lusty groaning.
They'd switch on their rabbits, with a vibrating grind
Mount each other laughing, in front and behind
Then the Witches, young and old, would lay side by side.
some on the bottom, others up top for the ride
They would do every page from the books from far east,
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Witch down in Witchville, the tall and the small,
Would lay close together, sweating and panting.
They'd lay hand-in-hand, then they'd start chanting!
They'd chant! And they'd sing! And they'd CHANT!
SING! CHANT! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Witchy Chant Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Beltaine from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick set of horns and the legs of a goat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy scam!"
"With these horns and fur legs, I look just like Old Pan!"
"All I need is a donkey..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since donkeys are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a jackass, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some brown thread,
And he tied two big ears the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle wagon and he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" and Max started to shed,
heading down where witches lay nude in their beds.
All their windows were dark. Wet dreams filled their heads.
All the witches were dreaming sexy dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Pan hissed,
And he climbed through the window, empty bags in his fist.
Then he crawled in the window dislodging a fan.
He swore he could do it and look like old Pan!
There the little May Baskets all stood in a row.
"These baskets of flowers are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, and then stopped and he prayed,
he sacked the whole room, and took every sex aid!
Dildos and cock rings, panties sans crotches
Vibrators, leather, and butt plugs with notches!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, almost draggin',
Stuffed all the bags in his jack-ass drawn wagon!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took their May feast!
He took all their tofu! He stole organic yeast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a quick.
Why, that Grinch even took their last goat cheese stick!
As he finished devouring the last whole wheat roll,
"And NOW!" snarled the Grinch, "I will steal their damned pole!"
And the Grinch grabbed the pole with its ribbons askew,
When he heard a small sound, like doves when they coo.
He turned around fast, and he saw nude witch!
"Oh man I am caught! Oh sonuvabitch!"
Morgan Wolf Starsheen who had just turned 18.
The Grinch had been caught by this curvy witch daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Great Pan oh why?,"
"Why are you taking our Maypole? No really, dude, WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little harlot," the faux satyr lied,
"There's a ribbon on here that's too long on one side."
"So I'm taking it out to the greenwood, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the maiden. Then he patted her head,
And he stared at her backside as she swayed back to bed.
And when Morgan Wolf went to bed in just her skin,
He set to stuffing the pole out again
He put the big pole through the window's tight slit
And the symbolism was lost on him, every last bit!
Then the last thing he took was the wood for their fire!
"They'll have to wear clothes now, without their May pyre!"
In their homes he left nothing but latent desire.
And the one thing he left was a speck of lube oil
And a condom with crinkled five-year-old foil
Then he did the same thing to the other witch stashes
Taking nipple clamps, batteries, handcuffs, and lashes!
It was quarter past dawn... All the folk, still asleep,
All the witches still twitching with dreams rich and deep,
The Grinch took their toys and their leather and hose
The rings from their nipples, the rings from their toes
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Drop dead to the witches!" he was grinchishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Beltaine is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the witches will break down and all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound from the valley below.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Witchville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every witch down in Witchville, the tall and the small,
Were singing! Without any sex aides at all!
He HADN'T stopped Beltaine from cumming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his goat feet cramping one toe,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out dildoes! It came without whips!"
"It came without chains clamped onto nips!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Beltaine," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Beltaine...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
It's not all about sex or random desire
Or banging a drum stripped nude ..round a fire.
It's life, and it's love, and it's welcoming summer
Not just some half dressed goth-chick, giving a hummer.
Beltaine is sacred, as well as great fun!
Bless the Green Lady and the God of the Sun!!
And what happened then? Well...in Witchville they say,
That the Grinch's closed mind, well it opened that day!
And the minute his libido didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the sex- toys, set maypoles upright
And the Grinch himself, with Morgan, performed the Great Rite!