(no subject)
I think I audibly congealed when I heard the news. Sure, not literally, but emotionally. its that kind of news that grinds your insides into hamburger and throws it around inside you violently in one swift motion. Your muscles spasm. Your breathe comes in rapidly through your nose. You feel like your hair just jumped out on end in an attempt to flee the fire in your head. Your eyes go wide to take in more information. All combat responses. You get alert, ready. Before you realize it your hands are fists and you see only blood rushing over everything. Even the good friend right infront of you who genuinely cares and wants to see you well. Only that tiny piece of logic that manages -- somehow -- to be heard through the roaring of your heart stops you from swinging at them. You know it's not about them, even if they were the messenger. It's about the other. the liar. the conniver. the manipulator. the shallow one who fooled you.
you have to move. do something. go somewhere. it would be time to fight someone. your blood boils because it wants you to find them and rip their still beating heart through their chest and laugh at them as they lay dying before you. and then the rage starts bubbling. No, you think, better to find their others. the ones they pretend they care about and force them to watch as you torture and kill them. THEN rip their hearts out. Yes.
But you don't. Or can't. Or somehow, something reminds you of the consequences. Or maybe somewhere in the depths of your heart there's still some semblance of love for someone who never really deserved it -- or worse, who just sucked it out of you and used it until it served no purpose anymore -- you'll never be sure why it was. Your anger drives you home.
You're exhausted now. The rage isn't fuel enough to keep you going. You sit down on the couch at home and can barely move. You fall asleep with hate in your heart.
You don't remember the dreams you had when you awake. All you feel is a gnawing pain in your stomach that you like to think was what you ate last night and this unsettling feeling like an entire year was completely taken from you. stolen. Lost. raped.
If only there was some way to get it back.
you have to move. do something. go somewhere. it would be time to fight someone. your blood boils because it wants you to find them and rip their still beating heart through their chest and laugh at them as they lay dying before you. and then the rage starts bubbling. No, you think, better to find their others. the ones they pretend they care about and force them to watch as you torture and kill them. THEN rip their hearts out. Yes.
But you don't. Or can't. Or somehow, something reminds you of the consequences. Or maybe somewhere in the depths of your heart there's still some semblance of love for someone who never really deserved it -- or worse, who just sucked it out of you and used it until it served no purpose anymore -- you'll never be sure why it was. Your anger drives you home.
You're exhausted now. The rage isn't fuel enough to keep you going. You sit down on the couch at home and can barely move. You fall asleep with hate in your heart.
You don't remember the dreams you had when you awake. All you feel is a gnawing pain in your stomach that you like to think was what you ate last night and this unsettling feeling like an entire year was completely taken from you. stolen. Lost. raped.
If only there was some way to get it back.