blah..junk junk junk...
I honestly hate keeping things from them because it makes me only half a person. I want to be my complete self, honest to those who deserves honesty. Worrying that some of the things I do will hurt them, just pisses me off. They should accept me as I am otherwise they won't hear from me because i'm tired of not being able to be me. I've gone through so much that I think when they DO find out more about me, I won't care anymore. I can't live my life through them first, I have to live my life the way I want to, experience the things I want to experience!
Someone was banging on the door this morning, I got up out of bed to answer it. Without even checking for who it was, I opened the door. The first thing I noticed was how bright and silver it was outside, the dirty green baseball hat he was wearing. He needed a shave, he didn't look like he slept in days. My thoughts of my surroudings were interupted by his loud booming voice “Is (name) here?”
“uh no he isn't? May I..” before I could finish my question
“What's your name maa'm?!” he was taking some paperwork out of his folder.
“(name)” I replied quietly, as my heart tripped over and fell into a hole of despair
“Do you live here?”
“yes”
“Are you eighteen years old?” He was looking at me with no expression at all. How can you want a job that makes so many people unhappy!
With no reply, I grabbed the paperwork out of his hands and slammed the door shut.
A fear inside, too familiar, came in a rush; A fear of losing everything once more, and hardship bringing all it has to bring, the struggles, the fights, the crying, the heartbreaks, it could go on, like a clown full of it's own unwanted tricks. The thought of (boyfriend) seeing this made my heart heavy with grief. Best to just let him sleep in before he has to get up and ready for work.
I realized I was holding my breath and gasped aloud. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt shaky. The boys were still sleeping and I knew that I needed this time to myself, to bring myself to accept it and to just let it aside for now.
Coffee. Warmth and caffeine.
I headed to the kitchen without even looking at the paperwork, set it down on the counter not even caring if it was wet or not.
The kitchen was my favorite area in the house, not because of all the food in there but because it was always so light in there. Sometimes if the sun is shining through just right, i'll turn off the lights and open the blinds. The shadow it made on the walls would move from the wall down to the floor and back out into the night.
The coffee from the morning before was still in the coffeepot so I emptied the whole thing out, put in fresh coffee, 12 cups of water, pushed the button, grabbed the cursed paperwork and headed straight to the living room couch.
The living room, with it's arch doorway for an entrance was nothing like i've seen before. I knew it was an old house by the feel and look of it. All the door knobs in the house were the old fashioned doors with it's big keyhole that you could peek through. We were living in a home from the past, the time before we were born! The very thought of that makes me proud. History, is the meaning to immorality. To have been here, to have been part of something, but most importantly of all, to have written in that time frame, capturing the history in the story written.
To get into the living room, you had to go through the kitchen first. I loved it. It gave us privacy, convenience and comfort. The wall ahead had three windows up high, with it's old glass still intact, of course. Two closets on each side of the wall, to the left and right of the entrance into the room. The trimmings were painted a dark navy blue color. The t.v. Stood in the corner between the windows and the closet door on the right side. The old patched up gray couch we have was sitting to the back wall of the room and our other couch, given to us from (boyfriend's) friends, faced the right wall over by the left wall. Something that I never see anywhere else is the wallpaper like the one we have on the wall to the right of the living room. It looks yellow with age, but still in nice shape. On the wall paper was a bunch of vines, making many shapes and pictures.
We moved in here last summer, a first apartment in a year for us. It was wonderful at first, but somehow everything just started falling apart. Maybe the excitement of having our own place again blinded us from the little things here and there that needed to be fixed or maybe I just don't take care of this house good enough. Either way I am still happy to have had the opportunity to live here, and I will miss it very much when we move out this coming summer. It's full of memories, like a corner-fold crease in an old book, we will have left a crease in this house with our memories.
The coffee made a bubbling slurping sound and jolted me out of my daydreaming. The paper still sitting on the coffee table yet to be looked at. I'll make a cup of coffee, before I start this shit...maybe even read the news and check my emails too. I opened my laptop and pressed the power button to get it started for my daily news checking, myspacin and most important writings. Already I was starting to feel better, happier and over the cursed papers. Whatever it was, we will overcome it one way or the other. To the kitchen I headed to make the best coffee for myself and drink up. Hell, i'll just wake up the kids now. They can't be sleeping in to late now. I took a sip of the delicious coffee, and set it down in the living room on the cofee table. Went back through the kitchen, into the entryroom-turned-kids playroom area, to the left was the boys' room.
I flipped the switch.
“Boooys! Time to wake up!” I said softly in a sing song way.
From where I was standing I could see both the boys. (boy's name) was stretching underneath his blankets, then he pulled the blankets back up underneath his chin. He watched as I walked up to him and asked “Are you ready to get of bed baby?”
“Yeah!” he replied with his sleepy voice.
“Okay!” I wrapped his blue spiderman blanket around him like a baby and carried him back to the living room. Kissed him on the head and gave him a squeeze and set him down on the couch. I grabbed for the remote on the table, pressed the power button, and flipped through to the pbs channel. Elmo's voice filled the room and I left kiernan to watch while I headed back to grab for Liam.
He was still sleeping, as if I hadn't had made a sound at all.
“Come on baby, It's time to get up!” Softly said, with comfort and love.
Into my arms he went, all bundled in his “snow blanket” ready for me to take him into the livingroom, but before I did, I had to hold him longer and give him some loves and kisses. With him happy and awake, I carried him into the living room to join his brother and sesame street.
I swear i turned into a zombie as i wrote this. Now, I know that it's not perfect and it needs editing but this is where i'll keep my shit safe, incase anything should happen to my computer! I'll work on this some more tomorrow but I've got something else I want to write about. Oh and the first paragraph on the top of the page, was just random and something personal....