Recurring thoughts of a dream
I had this dream on Thursday night and it wouldn't leave me alone in my waking state so I wrote it down. I hope this means that it will stop plaguing me now.
Title: Holiday Issues
Rating: 15+ - for swearing
Summary: FIghting on holidays does not bode well for Claire and Melanie
As always, thank you to my wonderful wife
Holiday Issues
I don't know how we got to this point. Or how to get past it.
All I know is that I was angry and you were frustrated. Now I just feel empty and lost.
I made you cry.
You ended us.
I went back to our hotel room and you weren't there. Our friends asked me what happened but I just walked past them to our room. I separated out my things and put them in a bag. I left all of the toiletries for you since most of them were yours anyway. I walked back into the lounge area with my bag over my shoulder.
“Find Melanie.” I looked at the friends you had introduced me to and wished I didn't have to do this.
“I left her on the beach. Make sure she's ok.” A tear found it's way onto my cheek and I quickly wiped it away.
With a deep breath I turned to the door to leave. As my hand fell on the door handle I stated, “I won't be at dinner.”
I quickly made my way to the front desk of the hotel. I didn't want them to follow me and I didn't think I could make it very far from this hotel before I finally broke down. The man at the front desk was a tall black man that I hadn't seen previously.
“Bad day?” He seemed kindly but I didn't want to get into it with him.
“The worst. Can I please just get a room?” The tears were close to coming again.
“Whoever he is, isn't worth all the tears of a pretty lady like you.” He handed the key to me over the counter and smiled.
“She's worth every last one.” I smiled sadly as I turned away.
I refused to acknowledge the tears flowing down my cheeks until I was safely ensconced in my new room. I opened the door and threw the bag on the double bed. I walked around to my normal side and stared numbly at the ocean outside. I thought back over the last week of vacation and tried to figure out what had gone so horribly wrong. But all I could see was your face when you started crying on the beach. All I could think of was the sound of your voice as you told me to leave because you couldn't stand the sight of me.
You were so angry.
“What did I do?” I mumbled to the empty room.
This girl's weekend away had seemed like such a good idea when we sorted it all out. You'd been excited and happy to get away from work. Or so I thought. Everything I did this week just seemed to trample on your last nerve.
The last straw was today when I took a bite of your jelly doughnut. You said I obviously didn't care about your feelings or what you wanted. I reacted and we both said some hurtful things. Eight years together, three of them as a married couple, and we end over a jelly doughnut.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to figure out what to do now. A sob escaped me as I headed toward the shower. A really good cry needed a good hot shower.
I closed the door to the bathroom and stripped out of my clothes. I smelled like the beach that we were walking down earlier. Silent sobs racked my body and the tears began to mingle with my saliva as I turned the shower on. As soon as the temperature was right I stepped into the bath and pushed my face under the water.
I had to pull my face out every time I sobbed or risk drowning. But the water made me feel more human as it washed away my tears. I tried to imagine it was washing away my sadness too but I felt the hole in my heart getting bigger.
Soon, sobbing wasn't enough and I started to make wailing noises as I tried to come to terms with my tattered marriage. I couldn't get enough air so I sat in the bottom of the bath with the water pouring over me. I heard knocking but I couldn't stop myself from crying again.
“Why?” I sobbed.
***
I made my way back to the hotel room feeling refreshed. I knew that I owed you an apology so I'd bought you a purple hyacinth, which the florist said meant 'sorry'. The walk on the beach after our most recent ridiculous fight had allowed me to clear my mind and I realised I'd been an utter harpy since we arrived. I brought the stresses of work with me on holiday, something I promised I'd never do.
As I walked into the apartment, our friends all looked up and I smiled at them. They didn't smile back and I instantly knew something was wrong.
“What's wrong? Where's Claire?” I snapped.
“We were going to ask you the same thing.” At my confused silence, Gina continued. “She came in here about an hour ago, packed a bag, told us to take care of you, and walked out.”
“What?” I sprinted to the bedroom that we had been sharing and saw that all of your clothes and a bag were missing. I sat on the end of the bed and tried to process what I was seeing.
“She left me?” Gina, Nat and Lilly sat on the bed near me.
“She said we needed to take good care of you and didn't seem to want to talk about it so we waited for you hoping you could tell us what is going on.” Lily put her arm around my shoulder in comfort but I shrugged away.
“Why didn't any of you go with her?” I demanded.
“By the time we realised what had happened, she'd already disappeared.” Nat stood from the bed and walked around in front of me. She kneeled and took my hands in hers before asking, “What did you do, Melanie?”
“Nothing.” We all knew that it was a knee jerk answer. “I don't know. We've been fighting all week. Maybe she had enough?”
“She looked like you'd killed her puppy. You did or said something, Mel.” Gina's hand rested on my back as I tried to figure out what had happened.
“FUCK!” I jumped from the be. All of our friends looked startled but I don't know what shocked them more, the obscenity or the quick movement. At their expectant looks I explained, “We had a fight this afternoon and I was crying and I told her to leave. Said I didn't want her around me. And I didn't want to see her again.”
“Did you mean it?” Nat asked instantly.
“I just wanted some time to myself. She was so excited about me not working that she was always with me and I just wanted some breathing space.” It sounded horrible even to my ears. It must have sounded even worse to them. There was no sympathy when they looked at me and I think Gina made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat. “I know, okay? I'm an idiot.”
“Go fix it.” Nat was succinct as ever in her plan.
“Are you going to help me?”
“What the hell are we supposed to do? You're the one who told her to leave.” Gina's indignant speech would have been amusing at another time. She had been the hardest friend for Claire to win over but she was definitely annoyed at me for my treatment of Claire.
“She needs somewhere to stay or she needs to head home. We didn't have any cash so she must be using the credit card.” I could almost see the light bulb over my head. “Can I borrow a phone?”
I rang our credit card company and found out that she'd used her card in the hotel lobby this afternoon. The amount seemed like she booked another room.
“She booked a room in the hotel. I have to go.”
“I'll come with you.” Nat grabbed my arm and I just nodded at her. “You guys stay here in case she calls or comes back.”
When we reached the front desk, a small man looked at us expectantly. “I'm looking for Claire Stewart.” I hoped I sounded calm but wasn't sure I pulled it off.
“Are you a relative?” The man seemed completely disinterested in me and my need to find her.
“I'm her wife.” I gritted my teeth as I watched him. I knew instantly that he was going to cause problems. His face took on that sickly sweet kindness that people do just before they tell you they're really sorry but they're all out of that colour shoe.
“I'm sorry but there is a block on that room and I can't give you any information.” He smiled a fake smile.
“May I be of assistance?” A deep voice boomed over my shoulder.
I turned to meet a very tall, very dark man. As I my eyes travelled up I could see that he was very strong. When I reached his face, I could see a hardness in his eyes that was solely directed at me.
“I'm trying to find my wife.” My voice seemed weaker than usual and I realised that I somehow felt like I needed to apologise to this man.
“I did hear that. But maybe your wife doesn't want you to find her?” His voice was a low rumble that tickled my eardrums.
“She'll want to see her.” Nat stepped up beside me and the man seemed to gauge her sincerity.
“We had a misunderstanding and I need to fix it before it's not fixable.”
“What makes you think it's fixable?”
“We love each other.” It was clichéd but it was true.
“Follow me.” He walked briskly from around the counter and Nat and I nearly tripped over ourselves to follow him.
“Are we going to Claire?” I thought I better clarify in case he was throwing me out of the hotel.
“I booked Claire into a new room this afternoon. She said that you were worth all those tears she was shedding.” He looked at me in a way that was not unkind but made me feel less. He saw through me and judged me. Apparently he didn't find me lacking.
“I am taking you to her room. If she refuses to see you, you will be escorted from the hotel and not allowed back in. Your friends will need to collect your things for you and return them to you. Are we understood?”
The tone of his voice left no argument but I didn't care about being thrown out of the hotel. I only cared that he was taking me to Claire. “Yes sir.” I nodded.
Nat held my hand as we walked to Claire's new room.
Our guide walked confidently to a door and knocked three times. I could hear a shower running.
“Claire? This is Brian, the hotel manager. I have Melanie here to see you. Could we please come in?” Brian waited for a moment before turning to me, “She may not be able to hear us if she is in the bathroom.”
At that moment I heard a sobbing wail and I knew that it was Claire. I looked desperately at Brian then the door. “I have to get in there.” It was tearing me up inside that I had caused Claire so much pain. Another wail and I started for the door, hoping it wasn't as solid as it looked.
Brian must have read my intent and he fed his card into the reader before I even made contact. The door swung open for me and I ran into the bathroom of the small apartment.
“Claire!” Her sobs tore through me. I climbed into the bath tub and wrapped my arms around her as the shower beat down on us.
“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.” She kept repeating.
Her mumblings were interspersed with hiccups.
“Sh Claire. It wasn't your fault.” I kissed her wet hair and pulled her tighter into me. Her fingers started to dig into my shoulders and back as she realised she wasn't alone any more.
“I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it the way I said it. I just wanted a minute alone. I never want you to leave me.” Another hiccup and sob from Claire and I was rearranging myself in the bottom of the bath so that I could lift her into my lap. I needed more contact. “I love you, Claire. I'm so sorry. So sorry. Please.” I begged.
I don't know what I was begging for more. For her to stop crying, to forgive me for being a fool, to look at me with love still in her eyes, or to not push me away.
We stayed quiet for a few minutes as her crying slowly tapered off.
Claire wriggled a little against my chest and I released her slightly so that she could move, but not move away. Her face remained buried in my shoulder but her words were clear when she spoke. “We really need to talk, huh?” Her voice was rough but it was music to my ears. A light kiss landed on my neck and I knew everything would be okay.
I heard motion in the hallway and remembered Brian and Nat. They were discussing us. “I'll bring their things down here later.” Nat offered.
The door closed and we were left in our new room.
Claire looked up at me with red rimmed eyes. I almost cried when I saw the love shining there for me still.
A sly grin graced her features as her hand kneaded my shoulder. “You're all wet.”
Title: Holiday Issues
Rating: 15+ - for swearing
Summary: FIghting on holidays does not bode well for Claire and Melanie
As always, thank you to my wonderful wife
Holiday Issues
I don't know how we got to this point. Or how to get past it.
All I know is that I was angry and you were frustrated. Now I just feel empty and lost.
I made you cry.
You ended us.
I went back to our hotel room and you weren't there. Our friends asked me what happened but I just walked past them to our room. I separated out my things and put them in a bag. I left all of the toiletries for you since most of them were yours anyway. I walked back into the lounge area with my bag over my shoulder.
“Find Melanie.” I looked at the friends you had introduced me to and wished I didn't have to do this.
“I left her on the beach. Make sure she's ok.” A tear found it's way onto my cheek and I quickly wiped it away.
With a deep breath I turned to the door to leave. As my hand fell on the door handle I stated, “I won't be at dinner.”
I quickly made my way to the front desk of the hotel. I didn't want them to follow me and I didn't think I could make it very far from this hotel before I finally broke down. The man at the front desk was a tall black man that I hadn't seen previously.
“Bad day?” He seemed kindly but I didn't want to get into it with him.
“The worst. Can I please just get a room?” The tears were close to coming again.
“Whoever he is, isn't worth all the tears of a pretty lady like you.” He handed the key to me over the counter and smiled.
“She's worth every last one.” I smiled sadly as I turned away.
I refused to acknowledge the tears flowing down my cheeks until I was safely ensconced in my new room. I opened the door and threw the bag on the double bed. I walked around to my normal side and stared numbly at the ocean outside. I thought back over the last week of vacation and tried to figure out what had gone so horribly wrong. But all I could see was your face when you started crying on the beach. All I could think of was the sound of your voice as you told me to leave because you couldn't stand the sight of me.
You were so angry.
“What did I do?” I mumbled to the empty room.
This girl's weekend away had seemed like such a good idea when we sorted it all out. You'd been excited and happy to get away from work. Or so I thought. Everything I did this week just seemed to trample on your last nerve.
The last straw was today when I took a bite of your jelly doughnut. You said I obviously didn't care about your feelings or what you wanted. I reacted and we both said some hurtful things. Eight years together, three of them as a married couple, and we end over a jelly doughnut.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to figure out what to do now. A sob escaped me as I headed toward the shower. A really good cry needed a good hot shower.
I closed the door to the bathroom and stripped out of my clothes. I smelled like the beach that we were walking down earlier. Silent sobs racked my body and the tears began to mingle with my saliva as I turned the shower on. As soon as the temperature was right I stepped into the bath and pushed my face under the water.
I had to pull my face out every time I sobbed or risk drowning. But the water made me feel more human as it washed away my tears. I tried to imagine it was washing away my sadness too but I felt the hole in my heart getting bigger.
Soon, sobbing wasn't enough and I started to make wailing noises as I tried to come to terms with my tattered marriage. I couldn't get enough air so I sat in the bottom of the bath with the water pouring over me. I heard knocking but I couldn't stop myself from crying again.
“Why?” I sobbed.
***
I made my way back to the hotel room feeling refreshed. I knew that I owed you an apology so I'd bought you a purple hyacinth, which the florist said meant 'sorry'. The walk on the beach after our most recent ridiculous fight had allowed me to clear my mind and I realised I'd been an utter harpy since we arrived. I brought the stresses of work with me on holiday, something I promised I'd never do.
As I walked into the apartment, our friends all looked up and I smiled at them. They didn't smile back and I instantly knew something was wrong.
“What's wrong? Where's Claire?” I snapped.
“We were going to ask you the same thing.” At my confused silence, Gina continued. “She came in here about an hour ago, packed a bag, told us to take care of you, and walked out.”
“What?” I sprinted to the bedroom that we had been sharing and saw that all of your clothes and a bag were missing. I sat on the end of the bed and tried to process what I was seeing.
“She left me?” Gina, Nat and Lilly sat on the bed near me.
“She said we needed to take good care of you and didn't seem to want to talk about it so we waited for you hoping you could tell us what is going on.” Lily put her arm around my shoulder in comfort but I shrugged away.
“Why didn't any of you go with her?” I demanded.
“By the time we realised what had happened, she'd already disappeared.” Nat stood from the bed and walked around in front of me. She kneeled and took my hands in hers before asking, “What did you do, Melanie?”
“Nothing.” We all knew that it was a knee jerk answer. “I don't know. We've been fighting all week. Maybe she had enough?”
“She looked like you'd killed her puppy. You did or said something, Mel.” Gina's hand rested on my back as I tried to figure out what had happened.
“FUCK!” I jumped from the be. All of our friends looked startled but I don't know what shocked them more, the obscenity or the quick movement. At their expectant looks I explained, “We had a fight this afternoon and I was crying and I told her to leave. Said I didn't want her around me. And I didn't want to see her again.”
“Did you mean it?” Nat asked instantly.
“I just wanted some time to myself. She was so excited about me not working that she was always with me and I just wanted some breathing space.” It sounded horrible even to my ears. It must have sounded even worse to them. There was no sympathy when they looked at me and I think Gina made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat. “I know, okay? I'm an idiot.”
“Go fix it.” Nat was succinct as ever in her plan.
“Are you going to help me?”
“What the hell are we supposed to do? You're the one who told her to leave.” Gina's indignant speech would have been amusing at another time. She had been the hardest friend for Claire to win over but she was definitely annoyed at me for my treatment of Claire.
“She needs somewhere to stay or she needs to head home. We didn't have any cash so she must be using the credit card.” I could almost see the light bulb over my head. “Can I borrow a phone?”
I rang our credit card company and found out that she'd used her card in the hotel lobby this afternoon. The amount seemed like she booked another room.
“She booked a room in the hotel. I have to go.”
“I'll come with you.” Nat grabbed my arm and I just nodded at her. “You guys stay here in case she calls or comes back.”
When we reached the front desk, a small man looked at us expectantly. “I'm looking for Claire Stewart.” I hoped I sounded calm but wasn't sure I pulled it off.
“Are you a relative?” The man seemed completely disinterested in me and my need to find her.
“I'm her wife.” I gritted my teeth as I watched him. I knew instantly that he was going to cause problems. His face took on that sickly sweet kindness that people do just before they tell you they're really sorry but they're all out of that colour shoe.
“I'm sorry but there is a block on that room and I can't give you any information.” He smiled a fake smile.
“May I be of assistance?” A deep voice boomed over my shoulder.
I turned to meet a very tall, very dark man. As I my eyes travelled up I could see that he was very strong. When I reached his face, I could see a hardness in his eyes that was solely directed at me.
“I'm trying to find my wife.” My voice seemed weaker than usual and I realised that I somehow felt like I needed to apologise to this man.
“I did hear that. But maybe your wife doesn't want you to find her?” His voice was a low rumble that tickled my eardrums.
“She'll want to see her.” Nat stepped up beside me and the man seemed to gauge her sincerity.
“We had a misunderstanding and I need to fix it before it's not fixable.”
“What makes you think it's fixable?”
“We love each other.” It was clichéd but it was true.
“Follow me.” He walked briskly from around the counter and Nat and I nearly tripped over ourselves to follow him.
“Are we going to Claire?” I thought I better clarify in case he was throwing me out of the hotel.
“I booked Claire into a new room this afternoon. She said that you were worth all those tears she was shedding.” He looked at me in a way that was not unkind but made me feel less. He saw through me and judged me. Apparently he didn't find me lacking.
“I am taking you to her room. If she refuses to see you, you will be escorted from the hotel and not allowed back in. Your friends will need to collect your things for you and return them to you. Are we understood?”
The tone of his voice left no argument but I didn't care about being thrown out of the hotel. I only cared that he was taking me to Claire. “Yes sir.” I nodded.
Nat held my hand as we walked to Claire's new room.
Our guide walked confidently to a door and knocked three times. I could hear a shower running.
“Claire? This is Brian, the hotel manager. I have Melanie here to see you. Could we please come in?” Brian waited for a moment before turning to me, “She may not be able to hear us if she is in the bathroom.”
At that moment I heard a sobbing wail and I knew that it was Claire. I looked desperately at Brian then the door. “I have to get in there.” It was tearing me up inside that I had caused Claire so much pain. Another wail and I started for the door, hoping it wasn't as solid as it looked.
Brian must have read my intent and he fed his card into the reader before I even made contact. The door swung open for me and I ran into the bathroom of the small apartment.
“Claire!” Her sobs tore through me. I climbed into the bath tub and wrapped my arms around her as the shower beat down on us.
“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.” She kept repeating.
Her mumblings were interspersed with hiccups.
“Sh Claire. It wasn't your fault.” I kissed her wet hair and pulled her tighter into me. Her fingers started to dig into my shoulders and back as she realised she wasn't alone any more.
“I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it the way I said it. I just wanted a minute alone. I never want you to leave me.” Another hiccup and sob from Claire and I was rearranging myself in the bottom of the bath so that I could lift her into my lap. I needed more contact. “I love you, Claire. I'm so sorry. So sorry. Please.” I begged.
I don't know what I was begging for more. For her to stop crying, to forgive me for being a fool, to look at me with love still in her eyes, or to not push me away.
We stayed quiet for a few minutes as her crying slowly tapered off.
Claire wriggled a little against my chest and I released her slightly so that she could move, but not move away. Her face remained buried in my shoulder but her words were clear when she spoke. “We really need to talk, huh?” Her voice was rough but it was music to my ears. A light kiss landed on my neck and I knew everything would be okay.
I heard motion in the hallway and remembered Brian and Nat. They were discussing us. “I'll bring their things down here later.” Nat offered.
The door closed and we were left in our new room.
Claire looked up at me with red rimmed eyes. I almost cried when I saw the love shining there for me still.
A sly grin graced her features as her hand kneaded my shoulder. “You're all wet.”