(no subject)

[lillybella]

binge/purge/binge/purge. it doesn't stop. i can't seem to make the voices in my head stop screaming. everything is quiet as i stuff grahamcrackersgranolabarscookies in my mouth. i am focused (on satisfying that damn craving for sweets). i drink cups of water. hoping that it will make "it" easier in the end. i feel that it is time to stop. i pull my hair back and walk the shameful walk to my bathroom. i sit in my spot and pour my heart and soul into the porceline bowl. i purgeandpurge hoping that i can get ride of that horrible monster festering inside of me. the vile little girl that will simply not leave me alone. i purge until tears are streaming down my cheeks and i taste bile. disgust. filth. it is all over and i lay, curled in a ball, on the cool bathroom tile. i lie there, shivering, wishing i was someone else. someone brave. someone with self control. the episode is over and i try and focus on tomorrow. i play the familiar jingle in my head, "this is the last time. tomorrow will be better."

when my head hits the pillow tonight i will hope and pray that tomorrow is an easier day. that tomorrow is something to look forward too.