Immovable forces
My heart feels it first.
I am being pulled forward and pushed back at the same time. A desire that leaves me paralyzed not knowing which step to take.
Is it coming from you? A shift in the air so subtle I almost didn’t catch it. I freeze in place and hold my breath to listen, not knowing to what or to whom or why I am listening but I let my eyes unfocus and my ears take lead.
I can hear the fan in my bedroom spinning. A slight rustle of leaves from the willow tree swaying outside my front door. I close my eyes to concentrate. “Breathe slowly” I think to myself trying to steady a shaky breath. I deeply inhale a warmth that spreads from my chest to my limbs. I take it in, filling my lungs with as much of this hue as I possibly can. Reds and golds reach my heart, swirling and blanketing, it engulfs and bends with every beat.
You must be thinking of me.
I have only known a pull so great to be coming from you. So close and so far out of reach. Both hands raise to my heart and I pause, living in this warmth. Embracing it, smiling to no one, and holding on for dear life. I don’t dare shift the weight on my feet. I don’t dare hug too tightly. I don’t dare to flutter my eyes open as I know this feeling will dissipate at the slightest movement. I want to stay here, let it envelope me like a granted wish.
I take in one last breath before it’s gone. My eyes drift open at the loss. I feel the warmth leave my body like my blood has left along with it. It’s the middle of summer but the air now feels colder than a mulled wine kind of night.
“No, no, no… come back”
I crush my eyes closed, willing you to speak. “Please” I beg aloud to no one. Feel this want. Send this need as far as it has to go to reach you. My hands clasp as my heart continues to plead. “Please!” I say again.
But my voice goes unheard.
The room steadies and I look around. I am as alone as I had been before I felt you, yet it feels more empty now than before. I notice my cheeks are wet. Am I sad or are they tears of anger? Come or go but please don’t stay in the between. The wound you reopen refuses to fuse each time I feel you. Halt those thoughts and let me be.
Let me be.
Let me be so I may rest. The push and the pull of what was and what could be will forever haunt my heart. The ghost of a life I continue to wish for.