Where now...?
Hey... man, I just never know what to say on social networks anymore. I am so BAD with communication in general. I can't talk on the phone and even skype stresses me out. But I genuinely LOVE and MISS you guys. I'm sorry I'm not so good at expressing it, but you're always in my thoughts.
Today I'm writing because I feel like I might come to an understanding by putting it down here. Any advice or thoughts are also really welcome. The point is... I feel a little lost. I graduated and that felt genuinely good. I got a job and that kicks ass. But I have no job security or room for promotion. That's fine, but it takes away any ambition I might have had. Now my next goal in life is to get married. Then soon after that I'd like to have a child, preferably while being a stay-at-home mom. The only thing is... I have no control over that. I'm kind of old fashioned so I don't believe in sitting down to discuss that kind of thing rationally. In my mind, it's the man's decision. I've made myself clear that I'm more than happy whenever, but I'm not going to decide. For right now, there's the obvious obstacle of money(at least for me) and employment(for him) in the way. I feel like those are only temporary and they will hopefully go away in the next year or so. I've always wanted to be a mom. For more than my whole adult life..... actually I think it's been like my whole life since I can remember anything. I need to make a home and I NEED to nurture. I'm kinda crazy, but at least I have reasonable goals and I know what they are.
But like I said, as far as I'm concerned... it's not up to me. Which is a weird feeling. My next major goal in life is out of my control. My job security is out of my control. My ability to stay in this country is out of my control. And all of these things combined make me feel like I'm just floating around in a lake. I'm not disturbed by my current stability, I really do like it, but I can tell it's fucking with my head. My dreams....and you guys know I really don't talk about my dreams much cause I can't stand when people do that.... my dreams are not clearly understandable anymore. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me anymore. Before it was always like do or die time so all I had to do was just run for the closest marker in sight. Now I am in a fog and I don't know where I'm going. I don't sleep well anymore. I am tired and my job does satisfy and exhaust me, but I just don't rest that deeply. Almost like I'm afraid I'll sleep through something and I need something to cling to next.
Anyway, I'm not complaining, I'm just confused as to what to do with myself. Lately I feel kind of homesick too. I don't really have a home or a family in America, but I do really miss the people that are there. My surrogate family is the one I miss the most.
Today I'm writing because I feel like I might come to an understanding by putting it down here. Any advice or thoughts are also really welcome. The point is... I feel a little lost. I graduated and that felt genuinely good. I got a job and that kicks ass. But I have no job security or room for promotion. That's fine, but it takes away any ambition I might have had. Now my next goal in life is to get married. Then soon after that I'd like to have a child, preferably while being a stay-at-home mom. The only thing is... I have no control over that. I'm kind of old fashioned so I don't believe in sitting down to discuss that kind of thing rationally. In my mind, it's the man's decision. I've made myself clear that I'm more than happy whenever, but I'm not going to decide. For right now, there's the obvious obstacle of money(at least for me) and employment(for him) in the way. I feel like those are only temporary and they will hopefully go away in the next year or so. I've always wanted to be a mom. For more than my whole adult life..... actually I think it's been like my whole life since I can remember anything. I need to make a home and I NEED to nurture. I'm kinda crazy, but at least I have reasonable goals and I know what they are.
But like I said, as far as I'm concerned... it's not up to me. Which is a weird feeling. My next major goal in life is out of my control. My job security is out of my control. My ability to stay in this country is out of my control. And all of these things combined make me feel like I'm just floating around in a lake. I'm not disturbed by my current stability, I really do like it, but I can tell it's fucking with my head. My dreams....and you guys know I really don't talk about my dreams much cause I can't stand when people do that.... my dreams are not clearly understandable anymore. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to tell me anymore. Before it was always like do or die time so all I had to do was just run for the closest marker in sight. Now I am in a fog and I don't know where I'm going. I don't sleep well anymore. I am tired and my job does satisfy and exhaust me, but I just don't rest that deeply. Almost like I'm afraid I'll sleep through something and I need something to cling to next.
Anyway, I'm not complaining, I'm just confused as to what to do with myself. Lately I feel kind of homesick too. I don't really have a home or a family in America, but I do really miss the people that are there. My surrogate family is the one I miss the most.