being a child
It's funny, because I have always wanted a big warm family with kids and nice holidays. I fucking LOVE holidays, you guys. History has taught me that the holidays are times when grudges are put aside and everyone must at least pretend to love each other despite their faults. Now, most families that are functional should be trying to do this anyway, but we all know that those high functioning, communicating, caring, and healthy family relationships are few and far between. They are the proverbial geese laying golden eggs. I'm having trouble with these plurals, if you can't tell. Anyway, the point is this: You know it, I know it, my family is super dysfunctional. Therefore, I have always craved stability more than anything else.
I want those movie holiday scenes. I want them BAD. I want a big happy family gathered together and being nice and loving. Sometimes this happened, sometimes not. It's not as if my whole childhood was a horrible one. It was just MISSING some really important parts. As I grew older and observed more functional families I came to see the holes more and more. I was envious of other people's "boring" and "lame" holidays with their family, at least definitely the part where they didn't have to care after over-boozed relatives.
My family was constantly punctuated with drunks. Maybe different types and all, but still heavy drinkers all the same. Or users, if you want to expand the net. Not everyone was able to develop a legal coping mechanism, and not every coping mechanism was enough. Unfortunately, when one person becomes dysfunctional, the people around them adjust and either whip them back into shape or mould around their imperfections. Usually when it's the latter its called enabling and lets the dysfunctional person continue to be dysfunctional and places a burden on the family or individual to act as a buffer between the person and the world. It is SO easy to enable and SOOOOOO VERY VERY difficult not to when the opportunity comes up. I mean, this is your family, the only one you have and the one to which you owe your life to, how can you be SO COLD as to not help them when they are injured or sick, even if it's by their own fault? Ugh, the guilt is impossibly overwhelming. Not only that, but the person with the problem is going to be extremely angry at you after you refuse to help them and point out their mistake. You become the very bad finger-pointer tattle-tale with no loyalty. That sucks. So... most people in the family just enable. They side-step and clean up some problem like there is nothing to it, or no other option. When you are raised in this atmosphere you feel courageous and supportive for helping. There is a sense of camaraderie. You feel good enabling. At least, at the time.
But.... later.... you come across other families that don't have those problems in the first place. You see them function without the burden and be with each other for reasons beside obligation. It's a painful realization to come to understand that your family is not only different, but really different in a bad way. It makes you feel like you are part of that bad thing, and you, yourself are BAD. There is that saying, after all, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Translation: You're trapped. You're doomed. You are going to forever be a part of your dysfunctional system. Don't worry though, because that dysfunctional family is not going to let you go so easily, either. They have spent all your life putting you into the system and now you are a moving cog which helps to turn the others. A feeling of belonging is nice, but how do you think the storm troopers felt when they realized that they were fighting on the "dark side" so clearly labeled?
Well, it may be true that we are all products of our families. That doesn't have to mean copies though. We are the end result of the parenting we received, but this is not math, and the answer is not always the same. That's a tough lesson to learn. I'm still really struggling with it. The best we can do is try to liberate ourselves from the broken machine. I wanted to be a cog in a nice, clean machine that didn't have to be "fixed" all the time. It's like going from a car that can't start without an elaborate routine of holding cables together here, turning this part there, and so on, to getting into a car that starts right away with no trouble. So, I'm working on it. I'm working on that liberation. I still have an arm stuck in that old machine, but I think the rest is out. Hopefully...
Now I'm trying to build a new machine. I don't have any practice, so it's really nice to try someone else's working machine sometimes. I have always loved the saying "Friends are god's apology for your family." My friends are a very, very important part of my new machine. They have helped me grow and develop in so many healthy, happy ways. I will always remember that, and they will always be a part of my heart.
Right now, I'm lucky enough to have a chance to put my little cog into another fully functional machine. It's SO nice. I don't know how to express it. Every time I get to be a part of a functional family, if even for a little bit, I get SO happy I find myself nearly in tears. I had this happen a lot with Rachel's family. Being there without having the burden to take care of a dysfunctional family member was the biggest relief of my life.
Spending time with Harry's family now makes me feel the same. I realized something new this past week with them: I love being treated like a child. I never really got to transition away from that in a healthy way. I had many times as a child where a huuuuge burden was placed on me, and I adapted, but by adapting I lost a part of that innocence. By taking on those responsibilities I lost the part of me that was a child.
In some animes( at least Fruits Basket) there is this one idea that comes out translated like "It's okay. Do things slowly and at your own pace." That nearly puts me in tears EVERY SINGLE TIME. I just really wanted someone to tell me that when I was growing up. Not be in emergency mode, not be in danger mode, just...... my. own. pace.
I know I always wanted to have a family of my own and to raise my children in the way that I had wished to be raised, but first... I want to be a kid... with no responsibilities of taking care of others, with no worries about the world outside my bubble... with just... me... putting along slowly till I get there on my own. Enjoying the trip.
I want those movie holiday scenes. I want them BAD. I want a big happy family gathered together and being nice and loving. Sometimes this happened, sometimes not. It's not as if my whole childhood was a horrible one. It was just MISSING some really important parts. As I grew older and observed more functional families I came to see the holes more and more. I was envious of other people's "boring" and "lame" holidays with their family, at least definitely the part where they didn't have to care after over-boozed relatives.
My family was constantly punctuated with drunks. Maybe different types and all, but still heavy drinkers all the same. Or users, if you want to expand the net. Not everyone was able to develop a legal coping mechanism, and not every coping mechanism was enough. Unfortunately, when one person becomes dysfunctional, the people around them adjust and either whip them back into shape or mould around their imperfections. Usually when it's the latter its called enabling and lets the dysfunctional person continue to be dysfunctional and places a burden on the family or individual to act as a buffer between the person and the world. It is SO easy to enable and SOOOOOO VERY VERY difficult not to when the opportunity comes up. I mean, this is your family, the only one you have and the one to which you owe your life to, how can you be SO COLD as to not help them when they are injured or sick, even if it's by their own fault? Ugh, the guilt is impossibly overwhelming. Not only that, but the person with the problem is going to be extremely angry at you after you refuse to help them and point out their mistake. You become the very bad finger-pointer tattle-tale with no loyalty. That sucks. So... most people in the family just enable. They side-step and clean up some problem like there is nothing to it, or no other option. When you are raised in this atmosphere you feel courageous and supportive for helping. There is a sense of camaraderie. You feel good enabling. At least, at the time.
But.... later.... you come across other families that don't have those problems in the first place. You see them function without the burden and be with each other for reasons beside obligation. It's a painful realization to come to understand that your family is not only different, but really different in a bad way. It makes you feel like you are part of that bad thing, and you, yourself are BAD. There is that saying, after all, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Translation: You're trapped. You're doomed. You are going to forever be a part of your dysfunctional system. Don't worry though, because that dysfunctional family is not going to let you go so easily, either. They have spent all your life putting you into the system and now you are a moving cog which helps to turn the others. A feeling of belonging is nice, but how do you think the storm troopers felt when they realized that they were fighting on the "dark side" so clearly labeled?
Well, it may be true that we are all products of our families. That doesn't have to mean copies though. We are the end result of the parenting we received, but this is not math, and the answer is not always the same. That's a tough lesson to learn. I'm still really struggling with it. The best we can do is try to liberate ourselves from the broken machine. I wanted to be a cog in a nice, clean machine that didn't have to be "fixed" all the time. It's like going from a car that can't start without an elaborate routine of holding cables together here, turning this part there, and so on, to getting into a car that starts right away with no trouble. So, I'm working on it. I'm working on that liberation. I still have an arm stuck in that old machine, but I think the rest is out. Hopefully...
Now I'm trying to build a new machine. I don't have any practice, so it's really nice to try someone else's working machine sometimes. I have always loved the saying "Friends are god's apology for your family." My friends are a very, very important part of my new machine. They have helped me grow and develop in so many healthy, happy ways. I will always remember that, and they will always be a part of my heart.
Right now, I'm lucky enough to have a chance to put my little cog into another fully functional machine. It's SO nice. I don't know how to express it. Every time I get to be a part of a functional family, if even for a little bit, I get SO happy I find myself nearly in tears. I had this happen a lot with Rachel's family. Being there without having the burden to take care of a dysfunctional family member was the biggest relief of my life.
Spending time with Harry's family now makes me feel the same. I realized something new this past week with them: I love being treated like a child. I never really got to transition away from that in a healthy way. I had many times as a child where a huuuuge burden was placed on me, and I adapted, but by adapting I lost a part of that innocence. By taking on those responsibilities I lost the part of me that was a child.
In some animes( at least Fruits Basket) there is this one idea that comes out translated like "It's okay. Do things slowly and at your own pace." That nearly puts me in tears EVERY SINGLE TIME. I just really wanted someone to tell me that when I was growing up. Not be in emergency mode, not be in danger mode, just...... my. own. pace.
I know I always wanted to have a family of my own and to raise my children in the way that I had wished to be raised, but first... I want to be a kid... with no responsibilities of taking care of others, with no worries about the world outside my bubble... with just... me... putting along slowly till I get there on my own. Enjoying the trip.