Lonely Summer Thoughts

[lilluv387]

I have come to a realization that I have a lack of friends. Tonight Frank is having a team meeting and since he isn't available to hang out I don't do a damn thing. It is like this every night he can't hang out. I sit at home with the 'rents and watch tv until I fall asleep. Of course on the nights when I DO get to see him is a night one person calls to hang out with me which sucks cause my other nights is when it is needed. I suppose I brought it upon myself by becoming the unsociable person I have been this past year and three months, although at the same time some other factors did tie into my lack of hanging out. I miss it though. I miss laughing and just relaxing with friends, having great times, and making stupid inside jokes that could be laughed about for hours. But while I have had to deal with tremendous school work, stalkers and broken tailbones along with a boyfriend, I could mainly see on weekends and some nights, ( the prime time to hang out with friends), people that I once felt close to have gone off and formed tight bonds with eachother, cliques if you will, and having the time of their lives. I'm not saying I am angry but infact happy for them and only wish I could share that same tight bond with a group of friends again. I see how far I have drifted from everyone and it saddens me. The one girl who used to be described as my partner, joined at the hip buddy, and most importantly my best friend who knew everything about me, went off to Israel not too long ago and I didn't even know it. I doubt we even know eachother that well, nothing close to what we used to. I don't blame her, but myself and the way our lives have become. We were soooo busy this past year that there was no time for eachother and so we let ourselves drift and it is sad. Other close friendships have drifted as well leaving me feeling quite alone. Frank sometimes comments to me, on the nights he is busy, "why don't you hang out with your friends?" and it is sad when I remark to him, "which friends are those?" Especially now when the two freiends I did have somewhat of a social life with (Z and brian) are out of town. I want the movie nights back, and random hangouts with a group of friends that I feel comfortable with. Sadly though I feel as if I have grown, we all have grown, and that finding a place where I fit in and truly feel liked will be somewhat impossible. Everyone already has their clique formed for the final year in high school and is enjoying their summer with eachother doing things teenagers should do. Meanwhile I prepare my mind for college and the sad thought of not having close friendships, that I once held in the past, anytime within the near future. So to those that have that tight bond with other people I suggest being grateful for it. Cherish every moment you have together and never forget the warmth true friendship brings. I suppose I should atleast be thankful for the few close friendships I do have, but deep down there is a wish of even those to be a little bit more.

p.s. Happy 17th Birthday Zrinka ( June 21st) I wish that all your dreams are coming true right now in Croatia!