My Advice (Worth What You Paid For It)
A couple of friends have been going through breakups and I've had some conversations about breakups with other people recently, so this stuff has been floating around in my head. I've generally been pretty good at them, though I've made my own mistakes. I have hurt people and I have been deeply hurt. I've learned what works for me...it may be the case that nothing I've learned would work for anyone else. But it seems from observation that most other people go through much more prolonged pain and anger than I do. So I thought I'd offer these tips to the universe and if you happen to find something useful, feel free to make it your own. If you think I'm talking about you, you're probably wrong.
In no particular order...
Do it quickly.
Once you've realized that it's not going to work, that this relationship is not what you want, get out. Don't spend another day wondering if maybe it could get better, maybe the other person will change, maybe you'll change. Where you end up is saying "gee, we've been together for x amount of time and I don't want to have wasted all that time and energy and emotion." It's not a waste, it's a learning experience. Move on to the next one.
Be clear.
Don't suddenly disappear and stop responding to the other person. Say what you have to say. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I can't continue this relationship," while cold, is fine. There, you've said it.
Don't focus on reasons.
The problems in your relationship are only relevant while you're still trying to fix them. None of them are the real reason why you're leaving (although a specific behavior or moment may be the catalyzing one). You're leaving because you don't want to be in this relationship any more. If you say "I'm leaving you because you leave your socks in the shower/you don't want to get married/you have anger management issues/you eat stinky cheese," then you are opening the door to further argument. If it would really save the relationship if your partner stopped eating stinky cheese and they are willing to switch to cheddar out of their love for you, then you're not ready to break up. If you are ready to leave even if they never touch anything stronger than alouette, then it really doesn't matter that you also loathe their gorgonzola.
Wait to process.
You don't need to understand what your ex is going through. You can't make it okay. You need to understand what you're feeling and what you need to do in order to move on. The other person is not going to say "you're right, I'm a stupid git" the week after you walk out the door and getting together for coffee and spending endless hours going over why it all went pear-shaped won't re-inflate the relationship. It's entirely possible that some time later, your ex will say to you "y'know, I was a stupid git." That's a beautiful thing to hear, especially after you don't need to hear it any more.
Don't get back together in less than three months.
Yeah, it's arbitrary, but it's the one rule I've actually never broken since the day in 7th grade that I watched Krissy Stalker and Brian Stumbaugh break up for the third time that day. I think three months is about the minimum amount of time that you can get far enough out of a relationship to rediscover yourself and make some changes, so that the two of you can have a different relationship. You don't want that relationship back, you want a different relationship with that person. And three months really isn't that long a time. If you don't still want to get back together at that point, then isn't it good that you didn't do it six weeks earlier?
Don't change horses in midstream.
If you're in a relationship, play it out. If it's not working, get out. Don't leave someone for someone else. That's too much weight for the new relationship to bear. If you're in a relationship and you realize you'd rather be in a relationship with a different person (as opposed to an additional person--that's a different question), then get out of the one you're in. If you're afraid the other person will be snapped up by someone else, talk to them, ask them to give you a little time. Riding other people out of your current relationship is irresponsible and rude.
Figure out how to be alone.
This is a really hard one, but it's key. Create a life for yourself that's okay. It doesn't have to be fantastic--most of us don't need fantastic--but it needs to be yours and as full as you want it to be of the things that you love. Most of us aren't actually happy alone--we tend to be social animals--but most of us can get to content. If you give up the possibility of being okay on your own, you're handing over a vast amount of power to your partner and that's a risky thing to do with someone you probably don't know very well yet. Anybody is not better than nobody.
Don't try to stay friends.
Suddenly there's this person in your life who looks just like your partner...but it's not your partner. It's your ex. That's really confusing. Take a little time. Get out of the habit of each other. Insist on it for yourself. You can't suddenly decide "okay, we're not true love any more, now we're bestest friends forever." It is very possible to be friends with an ex. Several of my exes are good friends of mine. But it takes time to get there. If you try to cling to the shreds of a relationship and call that friendship, you'll end up with a lot of emotional holes. Take the time to re-weave, turn a tattered cloak into a rag rug. Become friends again.
Don't be afraid to be the bad guy.
Here it is, sad but true: in most cases one of you has to be the one to say "it's over." You don't win if you say it first, neither do you win by hanging on and being nice. It's not nice to stay in a relationship with someone when you know you don't want to be with that person anymore. It is not nice to tell your partner that things are okay, when they are not. It is not nice to let your partner become someone who walks on people because you're not willing to tell them to stop. The times when both of you realize that it's just not working at the same time are rare and beautiful things. Most of the time, someone has to be the bad guy and leave. Make that your selfless sacrifice.
Don't demonize the other person.
Odds are, your partner is not trying to hurt you. Yeah, there are some crazies out there. But my bet would be that your partner is trying to do the very best they can for themselves and for you. The fact that their best, in this situation, leaves you feeling like crap, doesn't make them evil. Accept that you probably had something to do with the lack of functionality--even if it's not true, if it's all 100% the other person's fault, then you earn some martyr points. Do whatever you need to do to move on, not dwell. Dwelling is boring. Breaking up is hard on both parties, regardless of where the fault or initiative lie.
Be civil.
If this person was attractive/nice/cool enough to date in the first place, then the chances are that they still are, even if their coolness did not withstand close and prolonged exposure. If you'd rather not be in company with them, then absenting yourself is the polite thing to do. Sarcastic remarks whenever they turn up at the same party are rude. Insisting that your friends, whom you encouraged to like your partner, should now snub him, is rude. They may decide that they, too, no longer wish to continue the acquaintance, but that is up to them and between them and your partner, it is not an indication that they don't really love you. On the other hand, don't try to cling to your partner's friends. Indicating that you would continue your friendship with them (a brief email, inviting them to your next party, etc.) is fine--but pestering them is not. Being polite, or taking yourself away, is the best plan for a host of reasons, including not looking like a jerk to that new hottie in the corner. If your ex isn't polite, accept that they are probably hurting and unable to function as an adult just now, and give them more room--don't let the other person bait you or draw you into public dispute. It's over, move on, with as much grace as you can muster.
In no particular order...
Do it quickly.
Once you've realized that it's not going to work, that this relationship is not what you want, get out. Don't spend another day wondering if maybe it could get better, maybe the other person will change, maybe you'll change. Where you end up is saying "gee, we've been together for x amount of time and I don't want to have wasted all that time and energy and emotion." It's not a waste, it's a learning experience. Move on to the next one.
Be clear.
Don't suddenly disappear and stop responding to the other person. Say what you have to say. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I can't continue this relationship," while cold, is fine. There, you've said it.
Don't focus on reasons.
The problems in your relationship are only relevant while you're still trying to fix them. None of them are the real reason why you're leaving (although a specific behavior or moment may be the catalyzing one). You're leaving because you don't want to be in this relationship any more. If you say "I'm leaving you because you leave your socks in the shower/you don't want to get married/you have anger management issues/you eat stinky cheese," then you are opening the door to further argument. If it would really save the relationship if your partner stopped eating stinky cheese and they are willing to switch to cheddar out of their love for you, then you're not ready to break up. If you are ready to leave even if they never touch anything stronger than alouette, then it really doesn't matter that you also loathe their gorgonzola.
Wait to process.
You don't need to understand what your ex is going through. You can't make it okay. You need to understand what you're feeling and what you need to do in order to move on. The other person is not going to say "you're right, I'm a stupid git" the week after you walk out the door and getting together for coffee and spending endless hours going over why it all went pear-shaped won't re-inflate the relationship. It's entirely possible that some time later, your ex will say to you "y'know, I was a stupid git." That's a beautiful thing to hear, especially after you don't need to hear it any more.
Don't get back together in less than three months.
Yeah, it's arbitrary, but it's the one rule I've actually never broken since the day in 7th grade that I watched Krissy Stalker and Brian Stumbaugh break up for the third time that day. I think three months is about the minimum amount of time that you can get far enough out of a relationship to rediscover yourself and make some changes, so that the two of you can have a different relationship. You don't want that relationship back, you want a different relationship with that person. And three months really isn't that long a time. If you don't still want to get back together at that point, then isn't it good that you didn't do it six weeks earlier?
Don't change horses in midstream.
If you're in a relationship, play it out. If it's not working, get out. Don't leave someone for someone else. That's too much weight for the new relationship to bear. If you're in a relationship and you realize you'd rather be in a relationship with a different person (as opposed to an additional person--that's a different question), then get out of the one you're in. If you're afraid the other person will be snapped up by someone else, talk to them, ask them to give you a little time. Riding other people out of your current relationship is irresponsible and rude.
Figure out how to be alone.
This is a really hard one, but it's key. Create a life for yourself that's okay. It doesn't have to be fantastic--most of us don't need fantastic--but it needs to be yours and as full as you want it to be of the things that you love. Most of us aren't actually happy alone--we tend to be social animals--but most of us can get to content. If you give up the possibility of being okay on your own, you're handing over a vast amount of power to your partner and that's a risky thing to do with someone you probably don't know very well yet. Anybody is not better than nobody.
Don't try to stay friends.
Suddenly there's this person in your life who looks just like your partner...but it's not your partner. It's your ex. That's really confusing. Take a little time. Get out of the habit of each other. Insist on it for yourself. You can't suddenly decide "okay, we're not true love any more, now we're bestest friends forever." It is very possible to be friends with an ex. Several of my exes are good friends of mine. But it takes time to get there. If you try to cling to the shreds of a relationship and call that friendship, you'll end up with a lot of emotional holes. Take the time to re-weave, turn a tattered cloak into a rag rug. Become friends again.
Don't be afraid to be the bad guy.
Here it is, sad but true: in most cases one of you has to be the one to say "it's over." You don't win if you say it first, neither do you win by hanging on and being nice. It's not nice to stay in a relationship with someone when you know you don't want to be with that person anymore. It is not nice to tell your partner that things are okay, when they are not. It is not nice to let your partner become someone who walks on people because you're not willing to tell them to stop. The times when both of you realize that it's just not working at the same time are rare and beautiful things. Most of the time, someone has to be the bad guy and leave. Make that your selfless sacrifice.
Don't demonize the other person.
Odds are, your partner is not trying to hurt you. Yeah, there are some crazies out there. But my bet would be that your partner is trying to do the very best they can for themselves and for you. The fact that their best, in this situation, leaves you feeling like crap, doesn't make them evil. Accept that you probably had something to do with the lack of functionality--even if it's not true, if it's all 100% the other person's fault, then you earn some martyr points. Do whatever you need to do to move on, not dwell. Dwelling is boring. Breaking up is hard on both parties, regardless of where the fault or initiative lie.
Be civil.
If this person was attractive/nice/cool enough to date in the first place, then the chances are that they still are, even if their coolness did not withstand close and prolonged exposure. If you'd rather not be in company with them, then absenting yourself is the polite thing to do. Sarcastic remarks whenever they turn up at the same party are rude. Insisting that your friends, whom you encouraged to like your partner, should now snub him, is rude. They may decide that they, too, no longer wish to continue the acquaintance, but that is up to them and between them and your partner, it is not an indication that they don't really love you. On the other hand, don't try to cling to your partner's friends. Indicating that you would continue your friendship with them (a brief email, inviting them to your next party, etc.) is fine--but pestering them is not. Being polite, or taking yourself away, is the best plan for a host of reasons, including not looking like a jerk to that new hottie in the corner. If your ex isn't polite, accept that they are probably hurting and unable to function as an adult just now, and give them more room--don't let the other person bait you or draw you into public dispute. It's over, move on, with as much grace as you can muster.