The Passive Voice
One of the challenges for us as parents is helping Alice to figure out how to effectively ask for what she wants.
Part of this is an emphasis on manners--we encourage her to say "please," "thank you," "no, thank you," and "excuse me" and try to respond very positively to those. She does pretty well at using them appropriately and we get lots of compliments on her manners, so it seems to be paying off. We're very explicit that using these words makes people feel good about doing what you want and bad when they just can't and, in the end, gets you what you want more often. Enlightened self-interest is our watchword.
We also work on tone. We try not to respond to requests made while whining or crying--we pay attention to her, we ask her to use a happy voice, we help her to calm down, we assure her that we are listening, we recognize her unhappiness and try to validate those feelings, but we're not going to give her another popsicle if she's screaming for it and a wheedling "pleeeeeeeeease" doesn't get her anywhere, either. This is hard stuff, especially when she's tired, and we try to help her make the connection between her mood and her sleep schedule. Fortunately, at three she's still pretty easily distractable, her temperament is generally sunny, and I can usually take her from screaming to giggling in pretty short order.
But one of the most interesting things to me is how she uses passive constructions and indirect statements to avoid asking us directly for things. She'll often point to something in a store and say "We don't have one of those at home," probably in response to me telling her that we do, about many, many things. Last night I had two more examples, which are escaping me now, but the pattern is typical of feminine-stereotype communication. Whenever we notice her doing it, we encourage her simply to ask for what she wants--we'll see how that goes. But it causes me to wonder, first, if I'm modeling this kind of communication for her. I'm not as indirect as many people are, but my mother is a champion of this kind of "politeness" (her phrase). I have to struggle continuously to communicate with my geek-husband without misunderstandings, but after thirteen years together, those are rare. Perhaps this is just a standard manipulation-technique that all kids go through--she's run through a lot of them in her short time, and I'm sure she'll continue to play us for all we're worth.
Raising a kid who will ask for what she wants in a pleasant voice, saying "please" and "thank you" seems like such a small thing, but if I accomplish it, I think it will be a huge success.
Part of this is an emphasis on manners--we encourage her to say "please," "thank you," "no, thank you," and "excuse me" and try to respond very positively to those. She does pretty well at using them appropriately and we get lots of compliments on her manners, so it seems to be paying off. We're very explicit that using these words makes people feel good about doing what you want and bad when they just can't and, in the end, gets you what you want more often. Enlightened self-interest is our watchword.
We also work on tone. We try not to respond to requests made while whining or crying--we pay attention to her, we ask her to use a happy voice, we help her to calm down, we assure her that we are listening, we recognize her unhappiness and try to validate those feelings, but we're not going to give her another popsicle if she's screaming for it and a wheedling "pleeeeeeeeease" doesn't get her anywhere, either. This is hard stuff, especially when she's tired, and we try to help her make the connection between her mood and her sleep schedule. Fortunately, at three she's still pretty easily distractable, her temperament is generally sunny, and I can usually take her from screaming to giggling in pretty short order.
But one of the most interesting things to me is how she uses passive constructions and indirect statements to avoid asking us directly for things. She'll often point to something in a store and say "We don't have one of those at home," probably in response to me telling her that we do, about many, many things. Last night I had two more examples, which are escaping me now, but the pattern is typical of feminine-stereotype communication. Whenever we notice her doing it, we encourage her simply to ask for what she wants--we'll see how that goes. But it causes me to wonder, first, if I'm modeling this kind of communication for her. I'm not as indirect as many people are, but my mother is a champion of this kind of "politeness" (her phrase). I have to struggle continuously to communicate with my geek-husband without misunderstandings, but after thirteen years together, those are rare. Perhaps this is just a standard manipulation-technique that all kids go through--she's run through a lot of them in her short time, and I'm sure she'll continue to play us for all we're worth.
Raising a kid who will ask for what she wants in a pleasant voice, saying "please" and "thank you" seems like such a small thing, but if I accomplish it, I think it will be a huge success.