On grief, grieving, and expectations
So, my sister has been dead for almost 5 days.
I'm...surprisingly OK. I think I did most of my grieving over the last several weeks, and much of that was because I knew she was in pain and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I did cry some while hanging out in her hospital room on Friday, and I do a little when I actually TALK about it (as opposed to text or blog about it).
I am not a rend-your-garments, weep-and-wail kind of person. My feelings are my own and not generally for public consumption. I handle situations like this with humor and sarcasm and deflection. I dragged everyone (sister-in-law, brother-in-law, old friend who-might-as-well-be-family, and me) out to see Pacific Rim the day after Cindy died.
Disrespectful? No. I wanted everyone (especially Gregg, Cindy's widower) to have a break. To watch giant robots and monsters go at it. To forget we were in fucking MIDLAND* and my sister was dead and life was going to go on. And she would have fucking loved that movie.
By Sunday, though? I had Shut Down. I was drained and hating being back in my home town. Unable to contact my old BFF to get together. Tired of being in close contact with other people who all had these expectations of me. So, I drove us home (5+ hours), came home and collapsed.
I texted the sister-in-law to apologize for not being a Chatty Cathy/bitchy on the trip back the way I was on the trip out (see: deflection, above). Her description of me? "Cold Hard Bitch". Not in a mean way, mind you. Just...puzzled.
Look, I understand that I didn't collapse on you and cry and Need You. Sorry. Not me. (I've had people break off friendships with me because I didn't Need Them. WTF?) I know your personal role is Religious Nurturer, but I don't subscribe to that narrative.
I do not have public meltdowns. I Do Things. I research local funeral homes and find us the best one. I'm working on getting Cindy's remains interred at our family cemetery in Alabama. I'm going to be checking up on Gregg to make sure he's OK and reminding him it's alright to do things without her. This is how I handle stress and large emotions. So sorry I don't fit your stereotype.
*sigh*
* Someday I will articulate my feelings about that town. Suffice it to say, evacuate 30-40 folks, drop a nuke, and I'd be a happy person.
This entry was originally posted at http://lillian13.dreamwidth.org/54642.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I'm...surprisingly OK. I think I did most of my grieving over the last several weeks, and much of that was because I knew she was in pain and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I did cry some while hanging out in her hospital room on Friday, and I do a little when I actually TALK about it (as opposed to text or blog about it).
I am not a rend-your-garments, weep-and-wail kind of person. My feelings are my own and not generally for public consumption. I handle situations like this with humor and sarcasm and deflection. I dragged everyone (sister-in-law, brother-in-law, old friend who-might-as-well-be-family, and me) out to see Pacific Rim the day after Cindy died.
Disrespectful? No. I wanted everyone (especially Gregg, Cindy's widower) to have a break. To watch giant robots and monsters go at it. To forget we were in fucking MIDLAND* and my sister was dead and life was going to go on. And she would have fucking loved that movie.
By Sunday, though? I had Shut Down. I was drained and hating being back in my home town. Unable to contact my old BFF to get together. Tired of being in close contact with other people who all had these expectations of me. So, I drove us home (5+ hours), came home and collapsed.
I texted the sister-in-law to apologize for not being a Chatty Cathy/bitchy on the trip back the way I was on the trip out (see: deflection, above). Her description of me? "Cold Hard Bitch". Not in a mean way, mind you. Just...puzzled.
Look, I understand that I didn't collapse on you and cry and Need You. Sorry. Not me. (I've had people break off friendships with me because I didn't Need Them. WTF?) I know your personal role is Religious Nurturer, but I don't subscribe to that narrative.
I do not have public meltdowns. I Do Things. I research local funeral homes and find us the best one. I'm working on getting Cindy's remains interred at our family cemetery in Alabama. I'm going to be checking up on Gregg to make sure he's OK and reminding him it's alright to do things without her. This is how I handle stress and large emotions. So sorry I don't fit your stereotype.
*sigh*
* Someday I will articulate my feelings about that town. Suffice it to say, evacuate 30-40 folks, drop a nuke, and I'd be a happy person.
This entry was originally posted at http://lillian13.dreamwidth.org/54642.html. Please comment there using OpenID.