Can't believe it's been...
Sometimes I look at the anniversary picture taken of my grandfather - 6/10/11, a quarter century of marriage to my grandmother - and get very upset in knowing that even then, he was dying. It put a huge swath of tragedy over those joyous pictures, as they were reused months later on cards and posters in tribute. 2D representations of a man who lived in a way that was barely contained by the laws of physics. He was more than all of us, and he was gone now, in a cloud of shock and anger. (The anger, I should clarify, is with the doctors that spent months totally overlooking huge masses riddling his core and the fact that he suffered enormously as a result.)
There is no peace. My grandmother now spends all of her time with a man we all barely know, which offends my brother and has sort of left my mother off on her own. He won't get to see the start of a new generation - my sister-in-law is pregnant. We are all treading water, feeling cheated, and waiting for the lawyers to make progress with the malpractice case. Because of legal red tape and other technicalities, my grandmother still has not seen a dime of my grandfather's life insurance policy.
I paid off our car. It will be hard to receive the title with his name also on it. I will never be able to repay him for the crucial things he did for me, but I am glad to get rid of the debt to his name. It was the last thing I could do for him and it makes me sick to think that when he was co-signing my loan, neither of us knew he would not be around to see the end of its term.
I wish I could feel grateful, and to an extent I do, but I am still languishing between the denial and anger phases of mourning. Two years later.
I love you Grandpa Rich, may you continue to rest in peace.
7/27/1940 - 8/25/2011