Fanfic - Veronica Mars - Veronica/Mac - Cocoa (NC-17)

[lillerina]

Title: Cocoa
Author: Lillerina
Disclaimer: How I wish they were, but they're not
Rating: R-NC-17ish. They have sex, anyway.
Pairing: Veronica/Mac with mention of LoVe
Word Count: 2,124
Spoilers: Nothing specific as far as I remember
Summary: Just a girly sleepover, right?
Warnings: Just femslash. Nothing too out there.

Comments

[taken_with_you]

I'm so glad we finally got some femslash at the Library. Jeez. I was about to ask who I was gonna have to blow to make it happen, for God's sake. ;-)

I thought you had some great dialogue in the fic--Veronica's first kiss being with Lilly at the tender age of ten--even though at eleven Lilly already had a boyfriend--felt so true to Lilly's character. I can TOTALLY see Lilly laying one on a surprised pre-pubescent Veronica, if for no other reason than to scandalize her, hee.

I COULDN'T see Veronica getting drunk at the age of ten, however, at all. Not only do I think she would be too scared to do it, but no ten year old likes the taste of beer/wine/liquor.

The dialogue between Mac and Veronica didn't flow for me at all. It took me several read-throughs to determine if they were already in an established relationship, or if this was a first-time thing. It didn't feel organic to the banter they share on the show. :-/ “Owie,” Mac said sardonically.

“Take ‘em off.”

“Uh-uh.” Mac shook her head. “I’d rather be in pain.”

“I won’t look, I promise.”

“Really?” Mac pouted, pretending to be hurt.

“I guess I might peek a little,” she relented. “Now, off with them.”
...they don't really play coy with one another in canon.

Now this was kinda fun: “Is that the place?” she asked, still on her knees.

“Um, a little to the right.”

“My right or your right?”

“Uh, both?” Mac suggested. She giggled a little. Veronica looked up, raising her eyebrows questioningly. ...but again, it seems more like the communication between two established lovers, not first-timers.

This was GUUUUUUH: Veronica pulled back slightly, and then kissed Mac more gently, keeping it slow, soft. Mac’s lips parted slightly, and Veronica followed her lead. The kisses became more passionate, as their breathing increased. Veronica could feel her heart racing as she moved her right hand slowly down the front of Mac’s shoulder, letting it rest lightly on her breast. Mac pulled the blonde into her, pressing their torsos together, and pushing her tongue deep into Veronica’s mouth. Her hands stroked up and down Veronica’s back.... *fans self*

Here you kinda slip into the "no-fly" territory of descriptors: Veronica was in a state of semi-shock. She never would have expected that the quiet webmistress would be so dominant. How could Mac - Cindy Mackenzie - have her half undressed and so horny on the floor of her own bedroom? ...one of the biggest pet-peeves when I read fem-slash in the Buffy fandom was that the authors would try to offer variety by referring to the characters as "the red-headed hacker" or "the blond witch" instead of using the character's names. One way I've found to get around it is to write the fic in first or second person, thus referring to the speaker as "I" or "you" and the other party as "she"...but if you are going with third-person omnipotent, I definitely think you should just stick with names. :D

This was a fun moment, and I really enjoyed it. It added a little humor to the fic, and it was HOT! She kissed Veronica’s clitoris through her underwear. Veronica gasped, then laughed breathily. “I sound like a porn actress.”

Mac looked up, a quizzical look on her face. “What porn have you been watching?”

“It was for a case.” Mac slipped her finger inside Veronica’s underwear, and pressed gently against her clit. “Oh, god. You can have no idea how turned on I am right now.”

Mac carefully removed her wet finger, and licked it clean. “I think I have a pretty good idea.”

The ending felt right, I liked Veronica turning the tables on Mac, because if Veronica were to "go there"--I think she would regard it the way she handles everything else--turnabout is fair play.

I enjoyed the fic, overall, but the few notes I've made above were weak spots, but with practice, I think you could easily be writing some of the best femslash in the fandom.

Thanks sweetie for writing for the challenge!!

[lillerina]

Thanks for the concrit. I wasn't really happy with it, I know it's awkward in parts but I was kind of rushing so I didn't get happy with it before I thought I had to post it. In my defense, the drunk thing. I can see Lilly wanting to drink, thinking it's grownup and all. Of course Veronica would be pulled into it. And if Lilly got ahold of some alco-pops or something, they tend to be sweet enough that you don't notice the alcohol. That was where my mind was, anyway. And how much does it take for a 10 year old to get drunk?

Thanks for the long comment, I am a feedback whore after all. Now off to write more on this month's contribution.

[lillerina]

Also, the bit where Veronica points out that she sounds like a porn actress? My favourite bit, too. And of course Veronica's giong to address the power balance.