(no subject)
spent last night pouring my stomach into plastic bags (at 4 am feverish half-sleeping thoughts dominate and convince me plastic bags are the way to go. what the hell else will i ever use them for? i'm moving out and flying home in 11 days, might as well spend them on something) so now i know that ingesting hormones fucks me up and my body wanted to get rid of it all. so what if it keeps me from being pregnant?
my body hasn't been purged like that in a long time. so skinny. i had forgotten the byproduct, the feeling of high after being emptied like that. the shaking and spasms stop. you tentatively sip at liquids. you are spent and safe. i had a lot of problems with my stomach when i was younger. lactose intolerance. as much as i hate waking at ungodly hours aware of the mounting pain, it is undeniable . . . the relief in the moments after vomiting. ahhhhhh, sweet sweet relief. the calm after the storm.
home in eleven days. bizarre thought. home?
i'm about five pages from finishing 'white noise' by don delillo. fucking excellent book. reads so quickly. most books if you're lucky you'll get some subtle nugget of human truth from it by the end. in white noise every chapter is full of them. but they're all so straightforward and convincing. lovely.
boy i was sleeping with has started to get to me. he enjoys making fun at my expense, talking in a redneck accent and cracking jokes about people who don't live in cities. i couldn't wait to get the hell out of appalachia. now i see more clearly what a . . precious way of life it is. where the term 'neighbor' still means something. where people aren't totally disconnected from the natural environment.
still dreaming of people from home. of joyful greetings. the excitement. mmmmmmmm
my body hasn't been purged like that in a long time. so skinny. i had forgotten the byproduct, the feeling of high after being emptied like that. the shaking and spasms stop. you tentatively sip at liquids. you are spent and safe. i had a lot of problems with my stomach when i was younger. lactose intolerance. as much as i hate waking at ungodly hours aware of the mounting pain, it is undeniable . . . the relief in the moments after vomiting. ahhhhhh, sweet sweet relief. the calm after the storm.
home in eleven days. bizarre thought. home?
i'm about five pages from finishing 'white noise' by don delillo. fucking excellent book. reads so quickly. most books if you're lucky you'll get some subtle nugget of human truth from it by the end. in white noise every chapter is full of them. but they're all so straightforward and convincing. lovely.
boy i was sleeping with has started to get to me. he enjoys making fun at my expense, talking in a redneck accent and cracking jokes about people who don't live in cities. i couldn't wait to get the hell out of appalachia. now i see more clearly what a . . precious way of life it is. where the term 'neighbor' still means something. where people aren't totally disconnected from the natural environment.
still dreaming of people from home. of joyful greetings. the excitement. mmmmmmmm