Subconscious Refusal?
Once again I have the distinct feeling that my life sucks. I can't really say why. Well, I can, but it probably doesn't make sense, because it seems like it would be easy to do something about it. My inability to do just that, ist what sucks the most, I guess. I feel overstrained by so many things I have to do. All of them rather ordinary, nothing super special, nothing too complicated or too difficult. I guess it's just the sum of all the crap. I'm beyond annoyed by my colleague. I'm too tired now to explain what's the problem. Believe me I actually tried, but it's complicated to explain. The thing is, that he obviously doesn't get why his behaviour annoys me. On the other hand: I'm too nice to actually call him out on his crap. I like him. Basically. It's just... ARGH! But I'm annoyed about it, and then I'm mad at myself, that I don't tell him, that it's annoying. Maybe it will help that we have a meeting with our bosses this week. Not about that stuff, but it probably will come up anyway.
I've got a bunch of different assignments in job#2. None of them is a big deal, it's just the sum of them together. I feel like I'm constantly forgetting something. And I am. Which could be avoided if I just work more diligently on all of that. And there are a couple of things to do in the local politics part of my life. Quite many actually. Various council meetings, electorial campaigns that have to be organized and even more meetings.. Once again I feel like I'm losing track of the things I have to do and who I have to meet up with. I probably just have to get my everyday life better organized. I'm usually good at organizing, and I don't know why I'm not capable to just do that in my life at the moment. Recently I haven't spent any time working on the grad school assignments, which are due in April / May.
Having written that down, I think I might subconciously refuse to deal with the multitude of things I have to do. And instead of starting to reduce the work bit by bit, I feel overstrained and kind of paralysed. Unmotivated. And then there is my tendency to be easily diverted and/or to wallow in selfpity. Which of course doesn't help to get anything done. I really really don't like me much at the moment.
But... I guess, now that I've put it all down here, it would be rather embarrassing to keep stalling and wallowing in selfpity any longer. This afternoon I even started with finally making a list of all the things I have to do in the various parts of my life. Well, the list is not complete yet, but to complete it will be the first thing tomorrow morning. And to get on with actually doing the things on the list.
I have the day off tomorrow, because I have to accompany my mom to a checkup at the cardio clinic. But I can get some stuff done before that and after. I just have to make up my mind what of the many things to do. But I will think about that in the morning, when I'm hopefuly well rested, after a good night's sleep. The rest of the week (days and evenings) is packed with work and more Greens meetings. I even have to work on Sunday. Which sucks. But I can't help it. I've got the Friday morning off and of course the Saturday, which already is booked for going to the movies. Twice, if all goes well. :-)
This afternoon I actually thought about writing a post about how much I like some of the new Killers songs, but it doesn't really fit with the rest of this post. I might provide this post some other time. When I ever will find the time. Because when I'm serious about getting all the stuff done, there shouldn't be any time left to write lengthy blog posts about anything...
I probably shouldn't have bought a few new books this afternoon either. Because I have enough unread books anyway. But the book I started this morning on my way to work, just wasn't the right one for now. And I didn't wanted to spend the train ride home without anything decent to read. And I felt down, frustrated and all, and buying books usually helps. Well that and a white cafe moccha at Starbucks. And I will allow myself to keep reading for a bit more tonight as well.
"The secret of contentment, George felt, lay in ignoring many things completely."
("A Spot of Bother", Mark Haddon, 2006)
I definitely should ignore more things. Not the ones I mentioned above, of course, because that would contradict this whole post :-). But all the other things I let get to me too often and way too much.
Ok, favourite new Killers Song "Spaceman" Having it on my cellphone somehow helped me stay sane today....