(no subject)
Title: The Fall
Pairing: Dean/OMC, Dean/Sam, Dean/Jeff, Dean/Mischa
Warnings: Underage, prostitution, kidnapping, non-con
Rating: R
Notes: This is my first Supernatural story. I can't believe how long it got. First part here.
Chapter One
one pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that your mother gives you
don't do anything at all
go ask Alice
when she's ten feet tall
and if you go chasing rabbits
and you know you're going to fall
tell them a hookah smoking caterpillar
has given you the call
call Alice
when she was just small
Dean was not a lucky kid. He'd grown up in the wrong part of town, and attended a school where motivation and future prospects went to die. The halls of the school were entranced with gun detectors that stopped working two years ago, everyone knew about it but the school lacked the funds to keep them going but still kept them there as a warning. Problem was they didn't really warn anyone as much as it reminded students how little they could protect themselves against a world of hurt.
So everyone was packing, maybe not guns but knives, stilettos and replicas. Dean carried a knife in his pocket, his brother had made him wear it since he was nine. Josh was relentless about that sort of thing. ”Wear a knife or its your fault if someone guts you for lunch-money” he said.
Not that it really mattered anyway, Dean practically never left Josh's side during the day, only splitting up for the rare occasion one of them actually attended class. Josh was seventeen and it always only a matter of time before he dropped out, Dean knew the only reason he stayed was because of him. Josh didn't want to leave him alone, didn't seem to know how.
They've always been close, to the point that they were almost conjoined. Since Dean could crawl, he'd followed Josh around, and Josh simply let him, brought him along wherever he went, didn't treat him special and made it clear that Dean didn't have the right to argue about anything because he was younger. So when Josh went anywhere there was never a question or a choice if Dean could stay behind, it wasn't just sibling adoration, it was the only way Josh could keep Dean safe.
Some would perhaps thought it a burden, but Josh seemed to think it was the natural order of things, Dean sleeping in the bed next to where Josh had made a girl go down on him for the first time.
Dean turning in his sleep, almost waking up at the wet noises and the sound of Josh grunting as he came. Josh had simply reached out an arm and touched his shoulder lightly and Dean had kept on sleeping.
When Dean had been about ten Josh first got high for the first time with the kids near the railroad tracks. As Josh was swaying on the tracks, hollering and singing and daring a train to come as the girls were laughing shrilly Dean looked petrified and cried softly, so quiet that it was almost inaudible and Josh had jumped down, put the joint near Deans small and pale lips and ordered him to inhale.
Dean tried and coughed and the next fifteen minutes they were all trying to teach him how to really inhale and keep the smoke inside his lungs. When Dean finally got it right he felt so dizzy he had to lie down close to keep from flying away.
It felt like he was flying anyway, though his body was still and he could hear familiar voices around him that were comforting now, not scary. Josh didn't seem so bad anymore, not that he ever really was, not to Dean anyway, but the way he had acted had reminded him of the exes.
The exes was what he and Josh called moms boyfriends, a long row of former boyfriends that always seemed to come back. ”Like sequels in movies”Josh had said once.”Except that sequels always suck”. Dean agreed, the sequels of moms love affairs always ended in hurt, for all of them. Dean could remember a time when Josh actually used to get attached to the exes, laughing at their jokes and following them around. Especially the guy that had lasted an amazing five months, who Josh seemed to adore even though he gave them long lasting welts on their legs with his belt as soon anyone messed up in school.
”He does it because he has to” Josh had said when Dean cried in bed after his first beating, and Dean thought it sounded like something mom would say.
But then things escalated and one night two weeks later they could hear the guy wailing on their mom through the bedroom wall and Josh had clutched to Dean in his arms breathing heavily. When the guy had entered their room strap hanging loosely at his side room Josh had gripped Dean even tighter and said ”Not my brother” as he advanced. The guy hadn't said anything, just lifted Dean from Josh's arms and put him to the side of the bed and beat Josh until he screamed wretchedly into the bedcovers. Then he had taken Dean and spread him out the same way and started swinging. Josh had whimpered in protest, trying to protect Deans body with his arms best he could, crying out whenever the strap caught his skin. After a while they were both a sobbing mess of limbs trying to escape the blows, seeking comfort in each other, hiding their faces in the covers. The guy had left after a while and Dean couldn't help but wail while Josh tried to shush him.
”I'm sorry, it's my fault” Josh said although Dean didn't understand how it could be.
”He's a dick” Josh had said after a long contemplating silence. ”This is never going to happen again”. And Dean believed him. One thing he knew was that Josh was relentless, and he never gave up. If they weren't brothers Dean would probably have reason to fear him, with him being to soft and whiny as Josh ofter pointed out.
”You read to much. You think to much”, and especially ”Don't think just do what I tell you”. If Josh wanted something to happen, he made it happen, and one thing he did know, was how to aggravate anyone into doing anything.
He and their cousin Chris were known for getting rid of substitute teachers faster than lightning, and to merge those skills unto moms boyfriends was his new mission. Six months later mom had gone through no less than eleven guys, whereas no one had lasted longer than two weeks. Thankfully the guy with the strap had gone on his own, obviously tiring of trying to submit their out of control mother, who had attacked him with a beer bottle on one particular night. Josh drove moms boyfriends into loonie frenzies, mostly retreating to the most effective strategy of all, gay-bashing. Didn't matter if the guys were actually gay, it was implying that they might be that drove everybody nuts. It seemed that nothing damaged the male ego more than implied gayness, or preferably, pedophilia.
Josh had no shame, and by the time he was was seventeen he had honed his skills to perfection. He spilled out random comments about how gay the guys obviously were and how they really couldn't prove anything being with their mom, driving them absolutely crazy. Josh was barely legal and Dean had turned thirteen and and they both looked good, not that it made any difference.
”I've seen the way you look at me” he would say to the guy, sitting next to him at the breakfast table, their mom god knows where. The guy would choke on whatever was in his mouth and stare at Josh as he looked coy over his breakfast cereal.
”I know you want me” he would say in a low voice inching closer to the guy, batting his eyes and this is where the guy would start babbling incoherently, maybe storm out or look completely dumbfounded as Josh slid closer.
Josh never really had to do anything, the guys would turn red and leave in a matter of seconds, or maybe start yelling or swinging as both Dean and Josh laughed and ducked. The important thing was that they laughed at them, made them feel small. I didn't really matter how the men would react to the teasing, any reaction would still prove Josh's point and lead to further harassment. Mostly Josh left Dean out of it, although he often implied that he'd seen them looking at his little brother too.
But then one horrifying day Josh had actually dragged Dean out of his seat, stood behind him as he lifted Deans T-shirt and started massaging his chest while talking in a low voice about how he understood how the guy couldn't help but stare at his brother. Dean was so upset afterwards that he wouldn't talk to Josh for the rest of the day, which Josh found hilarious at first, because Dean always did what he said. He laughed and teased Dean about his long lost innocence and finally smirked that maybe Dean was so upset because he was secretly turned on. Dean was so chocked by that comment that he actually gawped for a second, then angrily tried to walk away, twisting himself out of Josh's playful grip. Josh had stiffened, shocked that his brother was actually trying to get away from him and grabbed him forcefully, bruising Deans arm while he twisted it back, forcing him to the floor while Dean yelped in pain.
”What do you thing you're doing, what do you think you're doing...” He hissed repeatedly while Dean was begging him to let him go. Their friends who stood around them in school were all dazed with confusion although not really since not much surprised them anymore. Sibling rivalry fights always happened sooner or later, and it was the kind of thing you didn't interfere with. It wasn't until Dean was sobbing that Josh let him up, slowly retrieving his hearing after only hearing blood throbbing in his head. He had never been that angry with Dean before, only with people he really fought with, always while Dean stood in the outside circle, pale and waiting for him to finish. He now noticed how Dean was standing next to him, shoulders shaking and breath hitching, red eyes not meeting anyones but locked to the floor.
”Good” Josh thought to himself but still reached out and squeezed Deans shoulder a little bit, ruffling his hair absently. He didn't know if it was meant as a comfort or simply as a claim of ownership. Dean kept his eyes locked to the floor for the rest of the day, following Josh wherever, only slightly looking up whenever Josh gave him a cigarette. They didn't exchange any syllables for the rest of the day until they were in bed, Josh arm slung protectively around Deans waist, the same way they had slept since they were little kids and Dean had nightmares. Then Josh had wanted to keep Dean safe from their moms creepy boyfriends and the only way to that was to wrap himself around him so that he would wake up if someone tried to grab Dean. Now they lay in silence, the blood pumping in Josh's head from earlier down to a slight throbbing pulse. He wrapped his arm around Dean harder than he used to, mumbling in his ear in a low rumbly voice ”You're so stupid”.
Dean didn't say anything, it didn't really matter what he had to say. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
Not much changed after that, except that Dean was starting to feel different. Josh was like an overprotective parent and since it always kept him safe, he had never thought about how it could be any different. But he was older now, and Josh couldn't treat him the way he'd always had. He wasn't ten anymore.
He had started looking at girls now, and boys for that matter, wanting something, wanting more. Sometimes he could barely concentrate in school, to busy looking at people and fantasizing about them,
Since that day in the corridor Josh kept him even closer and would sometimes give Dean these looks if he didn't nod or agree to what he just said. He had never done that before, he had always assumed that Dean would agree. Not that he had an option to disagree but Josh wanted confirmation. Wanted loyalty. Dean gave him what he wanted automatically, wanting back their carefree relationship when Josh was playful, not possessive. The others seemed to notice that slight difference, and Chris teased Josh that his little brother was becoming a teenager and Josh was a control-freak. Chris would tentatively slid his hands up and down Deans back, joking.
”See he won't die if someone else touches him, he's still with us”. Dean laughed along a little while Josh frowned, and for an hour later Dean could still feel how those fingers had run down his back.
Dean eyed Chris more than usual the following days, strolling closer to him as they walked the halls, straying as far from Josh as he dared. But Chris was family and Josh didn't protest. Weeks went on and then the incomprehensible thing happened. The school was raided and the cops found two grams of coke and three bags of weed in Josh's locker. Dean had never even thought twice about Josh pushing, everybody did it, they'd even made Dean help out sometimes since no one would suspect him. But now Josh was sentenced to two years in a correctional facility, with it being his third strike.
Dean was falling freely, through air so thin he could hardly breathe. The days went by in a daze. That last night before they took Josh away Dean had clutched to him like a madman, making him promise he wouldn't leave even though he knew he would.
”You wont leave me” he said burying his head under his brothers shoulder. Josh didn't say anything, just stroked his hair and Dean felt his heart beating under his shirt. ”You wont leave me alone” he said, and the silence spoke louder than words. The next day they came for Josh and Dean was left alone. He felt like he missed a limb. Being in school was so strange, he still hung out with Josh's friends since they were his friends too, even if they were older, and he hung closer to Chris. He felt so lost, people talked but it was hard to hear what they were saying.
Then one day when he went home his mom wasn't there. He searched the flat but found nothing, no evidence of her being there. Some of her clothes were gone, no money in the jar over the fridge. Dean started shaking ever so slightly and went to watch TV, sipping on the last soda in the fridge. The days went on, the landlord informed him that they owed him two months rent and where in the hell was his mom and Dean lied through his teeth before closing the door. Two days later people he didn't know with folders in their arms started knocking on the door and Dean didn't open.
Next day in school he ran into Chris, telling him everything, pleading him to help him. Chris just shushed him and told him to calm down. Took him home and chatted up his mom who was watching TV absently smoking with a cat in her lap. Chris asked her if Dean could stay with them, and she agreed without turning her eyes from the television set. There was a more formal consent when child services came knocking at their door, clearing the matter. Papers for fostercare were signed and Anita seemed to eye Dean for the first time even though he and Josh had been coming there since forever, and she sighed as she signed the papers. They were informed to get an extra bed for Dean but neither Anita or Chris seemed to care, and Dean simply shared with Chris.
Chris didn't hold him like Josh had and Dean felt like he was stuck in a parallel universe were everything was slightly off. Chris was different, more laid-back than Josh, chuckling while watching TV with Dean, taking hits from his joint once in a while, offering Dean who accepted. Chris always held the joint so Dean had to come close and take the hit from his hand, holding still while he hold onto the smoke, joint in his mouth. Chris looking down on him with hooded eyes, something stirring. A week later Chris did slung his arm around Dean as they lay in bed but it was different, it reached down to his groin and grabbed hold of him there, jacking him off. Dean couldn't breathe, couldn't think and whined like a kid as he came. Then everything changed, Chris would clutch onto him at school as if they were the best of friends, and they went everywhere together, got high in the schoolyard, behind the bleachers, touching Dean through his clothes and sliding his hands beneath them and Dean closing his eyes, drifting off somewhere else, high as a kite. Sometimes he thought about the new music teacher, teacher, a sub, who seemed popular, green eyes like Deans and dark unruly hair. He didn't seem that old, maybe just closing in on thirty. Sometimes Dean wandered outside the classroom, taking him in, enthralled. In his fantasies the guy was looking straight at him, and without doing anything other than staring at each other Dean came.
For a while it felt like his life was in technicolor and the outside world was just a blurry sketch, unimportant and vague. Then one smoke-infused night he felt Chris in bed breathing heavily against his back, humping him slightly and fingering his thighs.
Through the smoky fog in his head Dean panicked and stared fighting him, whimpering in frustration when an hour later Chris still wasn't letting him go, just pinning him with his weight, murmuring softly while Dean sobbed in exhaustion. He twitched when his underwear was finally removed, his limbs heavy and numb as he tried to fight. Chris just shushed and put his hand over his mouth and Dean was rambling half-choked threats, telling him that he'd kill him, that his brother would kill him. Chris didn't care, high on something stronger than weed, and pressed Deans thighs together and slid between them, thrusting and groaning, thighs and buttcreak slick with spit and sweat. Dean lay still, terrified but relived that Chris hadn't entered him. He tried to not make noises and not move. After a while Chris was done, panting as he came, he fell asleep almost immediately, arms tangled around Dean. Dean was awake half the night, listening to the snores, feeling the cold come sticky on his thighs.
The next day he was kind of in a daze, deciding that he would never get high again, ever, and that he had to figure out how to fix everything so that things could get back to the way they were. As he walked past the music room he glanced inside and stopped in his trail to look at the music teacher.
He couldn't like men, he didn't like what Chris had done the night before. But he was pretty sure he had never felt anything like what he felt when he looked at the music-teacher. It was like that time in the railroad tracks when he thought he was flying, and some of the times with Chris when he had been really stoned. Dean didn't know what to think, then he saw Chris turning the corner and quickly turned and walked away. Earlier Chris just acted like he had no idea why Dean was silent, sitting himself down next to him at lunch, laughing and joking that he was so tense. Dean hadn't even been able to eat, and when Chris had made cooing nosies, advancing a spoon towards his mouth, Dean actually threw his soup in his face. The expression of shock and then fury that had entered Chris face had made Dean run off, and he tried to avoid him for the rest of the day. Now he thought about slipping in the music room when the green-eyed man suddenly looked back at him from inside the classroom, eying him tentatively. Dean froze on the spot, hardly breathing, just looking straight back. He didn't know for how long it lasted until strong arms grabbed him from behind, swirling him around, back hard against the wall. Chris hands were twisting his shirt, his face to close
”You stupid shit” he whispered ”You stupid, stupid shit”, punctuating every word with a small shove. ”You'll pay for that”Chris murmured, a barely audible ”bitch” in Deans ear before he let him go. Dean stood still, panting and refusing to shake, thinking to himself that this had just made his day.
He was now homeless. No way he could go back to Chris. He couldn't call the authorities, pull the abuse card. He was just to scared that he'd be sent to God knows where so that Josh couldn't get to him when he got out. He had to be with his brother again.
Later that night he fell asleep in a tunnel, with other kids, some high on glue and ether that Dean didn't touch. The only thing that pulled him to school the next day was the thought of those green eyes. And hunger. He'd never really been so hungry before. He swiped some candy in a grocery store and went to school, legs slightly shaky. Josh was usually the one stealing, he was always the lookout. Inside the school corridors everything seemed so familiar and yet not, he'd never been this alone before, he really had no one to turn to now. Everyone was going to side with Chris because he was older, so he was screwed.
He spent the day in class, not taking in a word of what was being said and almost falling asleep as the sun slipped in through the windows. The heat made everybody a bit dazed and Dean was starved and sugar-high as he walked into that music-room.
He didn't know what he was doing but he knew exactly what he was doing. It was like it had always been there, inside of him waiting in hibernation until spring. He walked up to the guy who was stacking notes, his back to him ”Mischa” he thought, he'd heard it in the hallway.”Mischa, Mischa”such a weird name. Such a cool name.
”Hi” he said and the guy turned and Dean smiled, everybody loved his smile, he was just learning how to use it. Mischa looked at him slowly, eying him up in down. Dean swallowed and cocked his head up, trying to be taller, not thirteen. Mischa smiled back to him, asking him in a lighter voice than Dean had expected what he was doing there. To that Dean had no answer, and even though he was an excellent liar he couldn't even lie. He wanted to lean into to Mischa, head against his chest, smell him, feeling his arms around him. Instead he just fidgeted, cheeks starting to burn and his eyes darted to the ground. Suddenly Mischa's fingers were lifting his chin up to face him and Dean could see him still smiling. Something surged through him and without thinking he pressed his face to Mischa's chest, resting there. He could here Mischa laughing softly, murmuring something in Russian. Dean decided he had to learn Russian. He looked up, wondering if this was how girls felt like, nervous about someone who were physically stronger than they were, and older. It was nothing but exhilarating. Dean tiptoed up and tried to catch Mischa's mouth with his. Mischa pulled away, cursing something Dean didn't understand, and gripped his hair slightly.
”What are you on?” he asked softly. Dean didn't know what to say, he was high on nothing else but hunger and lust, pupils dark and blown out of proportion. He just grinned again and Mischa shook his head, leading him away from the visage of the open door even though it was late and the hall deserted.
”If you want to see me” he said, stroking Deans hair ”meet me here tonight”. He scribbled down an address on a leftover sheet and handed it to Dean who looked at it abashedly.
He'd made it, he had made someone want him. Someone that he wanted. He couldn't believe it. Mischa still stroked his hair ”Kid” he said thoughtfully. Deans stomach curled at those words. He didn't want to be a kid, he was going to turn fourteen soon. He flew out of the school-building, heart fluttering, almost flying. He didn't know life could be this good. The memories of the night before started to fade.
He hung around town with some kids he'd gotten to know the night earlier and as darkness started to fall, he headed towards the address he memorized. He was suddenly shy again when Mischa greeted him, leading him into the half-fancy apartment. Not a lot of furniture, maybe he moved around, Dean thought. Or maybe he was poor like him. But the clothes he wore didn't seem to fit into that description, his shirt had a expensive-looking brand and his shoes were fancy. Dean wondered why the hell he cared and lent into Mischa, sipped the brandy Misha was tilting into his mouth while smiling and felt it burn down his throat. In lack of food it went straight to his blood and Dean felt dizzy and dazed, letting himself get led to the bed. Mischa undressed him and explored his body, turning him around, lifting his arms. Dean almost giggled, it was like a doctor examination, like Mischa was checking him for injuries. Then Mischa lent down to his chest, sucking his skin and Dean almost left his body for a minute. He went further down and swallowed him down and Dean world went bright white, blurry around the edges and he gasped. He came within a minute and laid blissed and fucked-out as he tried vaguely to move. He hadn't realized how tense he had been, it felt like he could fall asleep. Mischa wouldn't let him though and turned him over to his stomach. Dean tried to lift his head but it was to much of an effort. He felt his legs being separated and wondered if this really had been such a good idea. He bucked nervously, trying to wiggle out of the grip that Mischa had on his hips and then felt a tounge slipping inside his ass. He keened and whined, and his legs started shivering, his knees weak. It felt better than anything he could think of. He didn't even recognize the noises coming out of his mouth. ”God...” he murmured faintly. Not that he believed in God. He believed in this. A finger was pushed in side of him, burning. He closed his mouth, kept the noises inside. But then his ships were tilted up, held firmly and something bigger breached him and he cried out, lost his balance and fell face-first into the mattress. Mischa kept his grip steady and pressed in more, grinding him into the mattress. Dean keened and whimpered, trying to flay his arms, trying to breath. ”Wait” he managed to get out ”wait”, but Mischa was quiet and Dean cried out into the pillow as the burning thing inside of him seemed to pierce further into him than he thought possible. Pain like electric impulses made him shake, he was pinned down and couldn't move as Mischa carefully thrust in and out of him, now whispering words Dean didn't understand. He's going to break me, he thought to himself. I'm going to break.
But he didn't. The piercing pain just kept growing until he was screaming inside his own head, body revolting against the hot blinding pain. He didn't know how much time had passed until Mischa finally grunted and came, pulsing inside of him. Dean tried not to cry. Wouldn't let himself do it. First time was probably supposed to be like this anyway he thought.
He didn't feel high anymore, he didn't feel anything. His head throbbed, his body throbbed, and Mischa throbbed inside of him like a slow pulse. After he pulled out he pulled Dean close, and it felt better when Mischa was out of him. Mischa held his head close to him and softly sang a song Dean didn't know. He fell asleep. It was such a strange sleep, in a way he felt like he was moving even though he was laying still. In his dreams he'd followed a man he didn't recognized into a hole in the ground and then he couldn't stop falling. The hole never ended, just more and more space to fall into. And if he just gave into it and let go he could pretend he was flying instead of falling.
Pairing: Dean/OMC, Dean/Sam, Dean/Jeff, Dean/Mischa
Warnings: Underage, prostitution, kidnapping, non-con
Rating: R
Notes: This is my first Supernatural story. I can't believe how long it got. First part here.
Chapter One
one pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
and the ones that your mother gives you
don't do anything at all
go ask Alice
when she's ten feet tall
and if you go chasing rabbits
and you know you're going to fall
tell them a hookah smoking caterpillar
has given you the call
call Alice
when she was just small
Dean was not a lucky kid. He'd grown up in the wrong part of town, and attended a school where motivation and future prospects went to die. The halls of the school were entranced with gun detectors that stopped working two years ago, everyone knew about it but the school lacked the funds to keep them going but still kept them there as a warning. Problem was they didn't really warn anyone as much as it reminded students how little they could protect themselves against a world of hurt.
So everyone was packing, maybe not guns but knives, stilettos and replicas. Dean carried a knife in his pocket, his brother had made him wear it since he was nine. Josh was relentless about that sort of thing. ”Wear a knife or its your fault if someone guts you for lunch-money” he said.
Not that it really mattered anyway, Dean practically never left Josh's side during the day, only splitting up for the rare occasion one of them actually attended class. Josh was seventeen and it always only a matter of time before he dropped out, Dean knew the only reason he stayed was because of him. Josh didn't want to leave him alone, didn't seem to know how.
They've always been close, to the point that they were almost conjoined. Since Dean could crawl, he'd followed Josh around, and Josh simply let him, brought him along wherever he went, didn't treat him special and made it clear that Dean didn't have the right to argue about anything because he was younger. So when Josh went anywhere there was never a question or a choice if Dean could stay behind, it wasn't just sibling adoration, it was the only way Josh could keep Dean safe.
Some would perhaps thought it a burden, but Josh seemed to think it was the natural order of things, Dean sleeping in the bed next to where Josh had made a girl go down on him for the first time.
Dean turning in his sleep, almost waking up at the wet noises and the sound of Josh grunting as he came. Josh had simply reached out an arm and touched his shoulder lightly and Dean had kept on sleeping.
When Dean had been about ten Josh first got high for the first time with the kids near the railroad tracks. As Josh was swaying on the tracks, hollering and singing and daring a train to come as the girls were laughing shrilly Dean looked petrified and cried softly, so quiet that it was almost inaudible and Josh had jumped down, put the joint near Deans small and pale lips and ordered him to inhale.
Dean tried and coughed and the next fifteen minutes they were all trying to teach him how to really inhale and keep the smoke inside his lungs. When Dean finally got it right he felt so dizzy he had to lie down close to keep from flying away.
It felt like he was flying anyway, though his body was still and he could hear familiar voices around him that were comforting now, not scary. Josh didn't seem so bad anymore, not that he ever really was, not to Dean anyway, but the way he had acted had reminded him of the exes.
The exes was what he and Josh called moms boyfriends, a long row of former boyfriends that always seemed to come back. ”Like sequels in movies”Josh had said once.”Except that sequels always suck”. Dean agreed, the sequels of moms love affairs always ended in hurt, for all of them. Dean could remember a time when Josh actually used to get attached to the exes, laughing at their jokes and following them around. Especially the guy that had lasted an amazing five months, who Josh seemed to adore even though he gave them long lasting welts on their legs with his belt as soon anyone messed up in school.
”He does it because he has to” Josh had said when Dean cried in bed after his first beating, and Dean thought it sounded like something mom would say.
But then things escalated and one night two weeks later they could hear the guy wailing on their mom through the bedroom wall and Josh had clutched to Dean in his arms breathing heavily. When the guy had entered their room strap hanging loosely at his side room Josh had gripped Dean even tighter and said ”Not my brother” as he advanced. The guy hadn't said anything, just lifted Dean from Josh's arms and put him to the side of the bed and beat Josh until he screamed wretchedly into the bedcovers. Then he had taken Dean and spread him out the same way and started swinging. Josh had whimpered in protest, trying to protect Deans body with his arms best he could, crying out whenever the strap caught his skin. After a while they were both a sobbing mess of limbs trying to escape the blows, seeking comfort in each other, hiding their faces in the covers. The guy had left after a while and Dean couldn't help but wail while Josh tried to shush him.
”I'm sorry, it's my fault” Josh said although Dean didn't understand how it could be.
”He's a dick” Josh had said after a long contemplating silence. ”This is never going to happen again”. And Dean believed him. One thing he knew was that Josh was relentless, and he never gave up. If they weren't brothers Dean would probably have reason to fear him, with him being to soft and whiny as Josh ofter pointed out.
”You read to much. You think to much”, and especially ”Don't think just do what I tell you”. If Josh wanted something to happen, he made it happen, and one thing he did know, was how to aggravate anyone into doing anything.
He and their cousin Chris were known for getting rid of substitute teachers faster than lightning, and to merge those skills unto moms boyfriends was his new mission. Six months later mom had gone through no less than eleven guys, whereas no one had lasted longer than two weeks. Thankfully the guy with the strap had gone on his own, obviously tiring of trying to submit their out of control mother, who had attacked him with a beer bottle on one particular night. Josh drove moms boyfriends into loonie frenzies, mostly retreating to the most effective strategy of all, gay-bashing. Didn't matter if the guys were actually gay, it was implying that they might be that drove everybody nuts. It seemed that nothing damaged the male ego more than implied gayness, or preferably, pedophilia.
Josh had no shame, and by the time he was was seventeen he had honed his skills to perfection. He spilled out random comments about how gay the guys obviously were and how they really couldn't prove anything being with their mom, driving them absolutely crazy. Josh was barely legal and Dean had turned thirteen and and they both looked good, not that it made any difference.
”I've seen the way you look at me” he would say to the guy, sitting next to him at the breakfast table, their mom god knows where. The guy would choke on whatever was in his mouth and stare at Josh as he looked coy over his breakfast cereal.
”I know you want me” he would say in a low voice inching closer to the guy, batting his eyes and this is where the guy would start babbling incoherently, maybe storm out or look completely dumbfounded as Josh slid closer.
Josh never really had to do anything, the guys would turn red and leave in a matter of seconds, or maybe start yelling or swinging as both Dean and Josh laughed and ducked. The important thing was that they laughed at them, made them feel small. I didn't really matter how the men would react to the teasing, any reaction would still prove Josh's point and lead to further harassment. Mostly Josh left Dean out of it, although he often implied that he'd seen them looking at his little brother too.
But then one horrifying day Josh had actually dragged Dean out of his seat, stood behind him as he lifted Deans T-shirt and started massaging his chest while talking in a low voice about how he understood how the guy couldn't help but stare at his brother. Dean was so upset afterwards that he wouldn't talk to Josh for the rest of the day, which Josh found hilarious at first, because Dean always did what he said. He laughed and teased Dean about his long lost innocence and finally smirked that maybe Dean was so upset because he was secretly turned on. Dean was so chocked by that comment that he actually gawped for a second, then angrily tried to walk away, twisting himself out of Josh's playful grip. Josh had stiffened, shocked that his brother was actually trying to get away from him and grabbed him forcefully, bruising Deans arm while he twisted it back, forcing him to the floor while Dean yelped in pain.
”What do you thing you're doing, what do you think you're doing...” He hissed repeatedly while Dean was begging him to let him go. Their friends who stood around them in school were all dazed with confusion although not really since not much surprised them anymore. Sibling rivalry fights always happened sooner or later, and it was the kind of thing you didn't interfere with. It wasn't until Dean was sobbing that Josh let him up, slowly retrieving his hearing after only hearing blood throbbing in his head. He had never been that angry with Dean before, only with people he really fought with, always while Dean stood in the outside circle, pale and waiting for him to finish. He now noticed how Dean was standing next to him, shoulders shaking and breath hitching, red eyes not meeting anyones but locked to the floor.
”Good” Josh thought to himself but still reached out and squeezed Deans shoulder a little bit, ruffling his hair absently. He didn't know if it was meant as a comfort or simply as a claim of ownership. Dean kept his eyes locked to the floor for the rest of the day, following Josh wherever, only slightly looking up whenever Josh gave him a cigarette. They didn't exchange any syllables for the rest of the day until they were in bed, Josh arm slung protectively around Deans waist, the same way they had slept since they were little kids and Dean had nightmares. Then Josh had wanted to keep Dean safe from their moms creepy boyfriends and the only way to that was to wrap himself around him so that he would wake up if someone tried to grab Dean. Now they lay in silence, the blood pumping in Josh's head from earlier down to a slight throbbing pulse. He wrapped his arm around Dean harder than he used to, mumbling in his ear in a low rumbly voice ”You're so stupid”.
Dean didn't say anything, it didn't really matter what he had to say. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep.
Not much changed after that, except that Dean was starting to feel different. Josh was like an overprotective parent and since it always kept him safe, he had never thought about how it could be any different. But he was older now, and Josh couldn't treat him the way he'd always had. He wasn't ten anymore.
He had started looking at girls now, and boys for that matter, wanting something, wanting more. Sometimes he could barely concentrate in school, to busy looking at people and fantasizing about them,
Since that day in the corridor Josh kept him even closer and would sometimes give Dean these looks if he didn't nod or agree to what he just said. He had never done that before, he had always assumed that Dean would agree. Not that he had an option to disagree but Josh wanted confirmation. Wanted loyalty. Dean gave him what he wanted automatically, wanting back their carefree relationship when Josh was playful, not possessive. The others seemed to notice that slight difference, and Chris teased Josh that his little brother was becoming a teenager and Josh was a control-freak. Chris would tentatively slid his hands up and down Deans back, joking.
”See he won't die if someone else touches him, he's still with us”. Dean laughed along a little while Josh frowned, and for an hour later Dean could still feel how those fingers had run down his back.
Dean eyed Chris more than usual the following days, strolling closer to him as they walked the halls, straying as far from Josh as he dared. But Chris was family and Josh didn't protest. Weeks went on and then the incomprehensible thing happened. The school was raided and the cops found two grams of coke and three bags of weed in Josh's locker. Dean had never even thought twice about Josh pushing, everybody did it, they'd even made Dean help out sometimes since no one would suspect him. But now Josh was sentenced to two years in a correctional facility, with it being his third strike.
Dean was falling freely, through air so thin he could hardly breathe. The days went by in a daze. That last night before they took Josh away Dean had clutched to him like a madman, making him promise he wouldn't leave even though he knew he would.
”You wont leave me” he said burying his head under his brothers shoulder. Josh didn't say anything, just stroked his hair and Dean felt his heart beating under his shirt. ”You wont leave me alone” he said, and the silence spoke louder than words. The next day they came for Josh and Dean was left alone. He felt like he missed a limb. Being in school was so strange, he still hung out with Josh's friends since they were his friends too, even if they were older, and he hung closer to Chris. He felt so lost, people talked but it was hard to hear what they were saying.
Then one day when he went home his mom wasn't there. He searched the flat but found nothing, no evidence of her being there. Some of her clothes were gone, no money in the jar over the fridge. Dean started shaking ever so slightly and went to watch TV, sipping on the last soda in the fridge. The days went on, the landlord informed him that they owed him two months rent and where in the hell was his mom and Dean lied through his teeth before closing the door. Two days later people he didn't know with folders in their arms started knocking on the door and Dean didn't open.
Next day in school he ran into Chris, telling him everything, pleading him to help him. Chris just shushed him and told him to calm down. Took him home and chatted up his mom who was watching TV absently smoking with a cat in her lap. Chris asked her if Dean could stay with them, and she agreed without turning her eyes from the television set. There was a more formal consent when child services came knocking at their door, clearing the matter. Papers for fostercare were signed and Anita seemed to eye Dean for the first time even though he and Josh had been coming there since forever, and she sighed as she signed the papers. They were informed to get an extra bed for Dean but neither Anita or Chris seemed to care, and Dean simply shared with Chris.
Chris didn't hold him like Josh had and Dean felt like he was stuck in a parallel universe were everything was slightly off. Chris was different, more laid-back than Josh, chuckling while watching TV with Dean, taking hits from his joint once in a while, offering Dean who accepted. Chris always held the joint so Dean had to come close and take the hit from his hand, holding still while he hold onto the smoke, joint in his mouth. Chris looking down on him with hooded eyes, something stirring. A week later Chris did slung his arm around Dean as they lay in bed but it was different, it reached down to his groin and grabbed hold of him there, jacking him off. Dean couldn't breathe, couldn't think and whined like a kid as he came. Then everything changed, Chris would clutch onto him at school as if they were the best of friends, and they went everywhere together, got high in the schoolyard, behind the bleachers, touching Dean through his clothes and sliding his hands beneath them and Dean closing his eyes, drifting off somewhere else, high as a kite. Sometimes he thought about the new music teacher, teacher, a sub, who seemed popular, green eyes like Deans and dark unruly hair. He didn't seem that old, maybe just closing in on thirty. Sometimes Dean wandered outside the classroom, taking him in, enthralled. In his fantasies the guy was looking straight at him, and without doing anything other than staring at each other Dean came.
For a while it felt like his life was in technicolor and the outside world was just a blurry sketch, unimportant and vague. Then one smoke-infused night he felt Chris in bed breathing heavily against his back, humping him slightly and fingering his thighs.
Through the smoky fog in his head Dean panicked and stared fighting him, whimpering in frustration when an hour later Chris still wasn't letting him go, just pinning him with his weight, murmuring softly while Dean sobbed in exhaustion. He twitched when his underwear was finally removed, his limbs heavy and numb as he tried to fight. Chris just shushed and put his hand over his mouth and Dean was rambling half-choked threats, telling him that he'd kill him, that his brother would kill him. Chris didn't care, high on something stronger than weed, and pressed Deans thighs together and slid between them, thrusting and groaning, thighs and buttcreak slick with spit and sweat. Dean lay still, terrified but relived that Chris hadn't entered him. He tried to not make noises and not move. After a while Chris was done, panting as he came, he fell asleep almost immediately, arms tangled around Dean. Dean was awake half the night, listening to the snores, feeling the cold come sticky on his thighs.
The next day he was kind of in a daze, deciding that he would never get high again, ever, and that he had to figure out how to fix everything so that things could get back to the way they were. As he walked past the music room he glanced inside and stopped in his trail to look at the music teacher.
He couldn't like men, he didn't like what Chris had done the night before. But he was pretty sure he had never felt anything like what he felt when he looked at the music-teacher. It was like that time in the railroad tracks when he thought he was flying, and some of the times with Chris when he had been really stoned. Dean didn't know what to think, then he saw Chris turning the corner and quickly turned and walked away. Earlier Chris just acted like he had no idea why Dean was silent, sitting himself down next to him at lunch, laughing and joking that he was so tense. Dean hadn't even been able to eat, and when Chris had made cooing nosies, advancing a spoon towards his mouth, Dean actually threw his soup in his face. The expression of shock and then fury that had entered Chris face had made Dean run off, and he tried to avoid him for the rest of the day. Now he thought about slipping in the music room when the green-eyed man suddenly looked back at him from inside the classroom, eying him tentatively. Dean froze on the spot, hardly breathing, just looking straight back. He didn't know for how long it lasted until strong arms grabbed him from behind, swirling him around, back hard against the wall. Chris hands were twisting his shirt, his face to close
”You stupid shit” he whispered ”You stupid, stupid shit”, punctuating every word with a small shove. ”You'll pay for that”Chris murmured, a barely audible ”bitch” in Deans ear before he let him go. Dean stood still, panting and refusing to shake, thinking to himself that this had just made his day.
He was now homeless. No way he could go back to Chris. He couldn't call the authorities, pull the abuse card. He was just to scared that he'd be sent to God knows where so that Josh couldn't get to him when he got out. He had to be with his brother again.
Later that night he fell asleep in a tunnel, with other kids, some high on glue and ether that Dean didn't touch. The only thing that pulled him to school the next day was the thought of those green eyes. And hunger. He'd never really been so hungry before. He swiped some candy in a grocery store and went to school, legs slightly shaky. Josh was usually the one stealing, he was always the lookout. Inside the school corridors everything seemed so familiar and yet not, he'd never been this alone before, he really had no one to turn to now. Everyone was going to side with Chris because he was older, so he was screwed.
He spent the day in class, not taking in a word of what was being said and almost falling asleep as the sun slipped in through the windows. The heat made everybody a bit dazed and Dean was starved and sugar-high as he walked into that music-room.
He didn't know what he was doing but he knew exactly what he was doing. It was like it had always been there, inside of him waiting in hibernation until spring. He walked up to the guy who was stacking notes, his back to him ”Mischa” he thought, he'd heard it in the hallway.”Mischa, Mischa”such a weird name. Such a cool name.
”Hi” he said and the guy turned and Dean smiled, everybody loved his smile, he was just learning how to use it. Mischa looked at him slowly, eying him up in down. Dean swallowed and cocked his head up, trying to be taller, not thirteen. Mischa smiled back to him, asking him in a lighter voice than Dean had expected what he was doing there. To that Dean had no answer, and even though he was an excellent liar he couldn't even lie. He wanted to lean into to Mischa, head against his chest, smell him, feeling his arms around him. Instead he just fidgeted, cheeks starting to burn and his eyes darted to the ground. Suddenly Mischa's fingers were lifting his chin up to face him and Dean could see him still smiling. Something surged through him and without thinking he pressed his face to Mischa's chest, resting there. He could here Mischa laughing softly, murmuring something in Russian. Dean decided he had to learn Russian. He looked up, wondering if this was how girls felt like, nervous about someone who were physically stronger than they were, and older. It was nothing but exhilarating. Dean tiptoed up and tried to catch Mischa's mouth with his. Mischa pulled away, cursing something Dean didn't understand, and gripped his hair slightly.
”What are you on?” he asked softly. Dean didn't know what to say, he was high on nothing else but hunger and lust, pupils dark and blown out of proportion. He just grinned again and Mischa shook his head, leading him away from the visage of the open door even though it was late and the hall deserted.
”If you want to see me” he said, stroking Deans hair ”meet me here tonight”. He scribbled down an address on a leftover sheet and handed it to Dean who looked at it abashedly.
He'd made it, he had made someone want him. Someone that he wanted. He couldn't believe it. Mischa still stroked his hair ”Kid” he said thoughtfully. Deans stomach curled at those words. He didn't want to be a kid, he was going to turn fourteen soon. He flew out of the school-building, heart fluttering, almost flying. He didn't know life could be this good. The memories of the night before started to fade.
He hung around town with some kids he'd gotten to know the night earlier and as darkness started to fall, he headed towards the address he memorized. He was suddenly shy again when Mischa greeted him, leading him into the half-fancy apartment. Not a lot of furniture, maybe he moved around, Dean thought. Or maybe he was poor like him. But the clothes he wore didn't seem to fit into that description, his shirt had a expensive-looking brand and his shoes were fancy. Dean wondered why the hell he cared and lent into Mischa, sipped the brandy Misha was tilting into his mouth while smiling and felt it burn down his throat. In lack of food it went straight to his blood and Dean felt dizzy and dazed, letting himself get led to the bed. Mischa undressed him and explored his body, turning him around, lifting his arms. Dean almost giggled, it was like a doctor examination, like Mischa was checking him for injuries. Then Mischa lent down to his chest, sucking his skin and Dean almost left his body for a minute. He went further down and swallowed him down and Dean world went bright white, blurry around the edges and he gasped. He came within a minute and laid blissed and fucked-out as he tried vaguely to move. He hadn't realized how tense he had been, it felt like he could fall asleep. Mischa wouldn't let him though and turned him over to his stomach. Dean tried to lift his head but it was to much of an effort. He felt his legs being separated and wondered if this really had been such a good idea. He bucked nervously, trying to wiggle out of the grip that Mischa had on his hips and then felt a tounge slipping inside his ass. He keened and whined, and his legs started shivering, his knees weak. It felt better than anything he could think of. He didn't even recognize the noises coming out of his mouth. ”God...” he murmured faintly. Not that he believed in God. He believed in this. A finger was pushed in side of him, burning. He closed his mouth, kept the noises inside. But then his ships were tilted up, held firmly and something bigger breached him and he cried out, lost his balance and fell face-first into the mattress. Mischa kept his grip steady and pressed in more, grinding him into the mattress. Dean keened and whimpered, trying to flay his arms, trying to breath. ”Wait” he managed to get out ”wait”, but Mischa was quiet and Dean cried out into the pillow as the burning thing inside of him seemed to pierce further into him than he thought possible. Pain like electric impulses made him shake, he was pinned down and couldn't move as Mischa carefully thrust in and out of him, now whispering words Dean didn't understand. He's going to break me, he thought to himself. I'm going to break.
But he didn't. The piercing pain just kept growing until he was screaming inside his own head, body revolting against the hot blinding pain. He didn't know how much time had passed until Mischa finally grunted and came, pulsing inside of him. Dean tried not to cry. Wouldn't let himself do it. First time was probably supposed to be like this anyway he thought.
He didn't feel high anymore, he didn't feel anything. His head throbbed, his body throbbed, and Mischa throbbed inside of him like a slow pulse. After he pulled out he pulled Dean close, and it felt better when Mischa was out of him. Mischa held his head close to him and softly sang a song Dean didn't know. He fell asleep. It was such a strange sleep, in a way he felt like he was moving even though he was laying still. In his dreams he'd followed a man he didn't recognized into a hole in the ground and then he couldn't stop falling. The hole never ended, just more and more space to fall into. And if he just gave into it and let go he could pretend he was flying instead of falling.