Chapter nine
Years passed.
Almost three years had gone by when Jared reached the same village he had left so long ago, with so many bad memories.
He didn't know why he had come back.
He had gone over every possible scenario of what could have happened to Jensen in his head for so long that he finally had just contented himself with that he was dead. Someon had either taken him or he had wondered off and died on his own.
Hope was too heavy to carry for one man. Jared couldn't do it.
He hadn't been able to find peace since Jensen left, hadn't settled down anywhere. He had just drifted like a ghost across the mountains on his own, memories of Jensen haunting him like another past life.
He hadn't thought that he actually would be able to do anything else he might regret since the world ended, but Jensen had proved him wrong. Wrong on every account. In his dreams he kept hearing him cry out for Jared, calling for help. In other dreams Jared was the one Jensen feared and he kept pleading for him to stop, to please stop as the switch landed again and again on his trembling back, making him scream.
Then on a few rare, sacred nights he dreamt of when Jensen had been beneath him, blood on his mouth and moaning in pleasure, crying when he came, Jared inside of him and everything was perfect, perfect until he woke up.
When Jared woke from those dreams he was the one who cried.
The horse died two years after Jensen disappeared. Just fell down and died in the middle of a warm summer day. Jared couldn't bring himself to steal another horse, he was too afraid to get caught. So from there on out he walked, more alone than ever.
He walked into the town he and Jensen had visited all that time ago feeling hollow and empty, barely recognizing the place. It looked larger than before, like a real village with market-places out in the open, people trading food and haggling prices while kids ran around between the stands.
Jared traded meat for some bread, cheese and milk, sat down and ate while he looked at the people in the square, wondering when the exact moment happened when people started feeling safe.
He saw a girl with blond hair and wondered for a moment if it was the same girl that had held Jensen's hand that day, the one that had led him away.
She disappeared into the crowd and Jared disappeared into his thought, not really thinking about anything at all when he suddenly saw Jensen.
He was standing next to a stand, weighing some apples in his hand and talking to the woman selling them.
Jared couldn't breathe. It was Jensen.
He was taller, his features more defined, hair falling down his face, and he wasn't painfully skinny anymore. He'd grown into himself somehow.
He was beautiful.
Jared sat frozen in place, saw Jensen trading some apples for some carrots he had, then moving on to other stands, weighing bread and milk in his hands, trading them for the vegetables he brought, smiling shyly and talking to the people he met.
It was like watching a different person than the boy Jared had known.
After a while Jensen seemed to be done, carrying a bag full with the supplies he'd traded, eating an apple when he suddenly turned around, like he was ready to leave. Then he saw Jared.
He froze in place, apple halfway to his mouth as it remained open, watching Jared with wide eyes.
Jared didn't know what to do. He didn't seem to be able to move and neither did Jensen.
For a long while Jensen just stared at him like he was staring at a ghost. Just when Jared was about to get up he turned and left. Disappeared in the opposite direction.
Jared couldn't make himself move from the stone. He sat there for hours waiting for Jensen to come back, to perhaps change his mind. When the day grew long and the people started packing their supplies he snapped out of it and went to he woman with the apples and asked her about Jensen.
“Where he lives? Oh he's staying just about a mile from here. If you just go to the end of this street, and then take the left trail into the woods, you'll get there eventually. There's not many other houses out there.”
Jared thanked her and got back to the stone, debating with himself for a while. He'd almost made up his mind when he changed it again, and then left in the direction she had pointed out.
He walked for a long while until he saw the little red house right next to a creek, surrounded by trees and a half-finished white fence. He got closer, taking everything in when he saw Jensen sitting in a small field behind the house. He was sitting in the dirt picking weeds from the crops, not noticing Jared.
He looked fully focused at his task, white T-shirt and jeans dirty with mud. Then he looked up and saw Jared. His eyes widened and he stood. “Jared.” he said and Jared nodded, unsure what to say, his throat thick.
Jensen walked closer, shedding the gloves he was wearing to the ground. “What are you doing here?”
There was no anger or fear in his voice. Just astonishment, like he hadn't expected Jared to come. His voice was a little bit darker, fuller somehow.
“I just wanted to check up on you, see that you were alright.” Jared said, not knowing what else to say, knowing that it made no sense.
None of the dreams he'd had about meeting Jensen again had prepared him for the real thing.
“Oh..okay. I'm sorry I didn't walk up to you in the square. I just didn't know what to say. I didn't expect to see you there.” Jensen said apologetically.
For a while Jared couldn't get at single thing out due to the shock that Jensen had actually apologized to him, then he got himself together.
“That..that's fine.” he said, clearing his throat. “I wasn't sure he I should follow you out here I just...had to see you were okay I guess.”
“I'm fine.” Jensen said and smiled, a little nervously and Jared wondered suddenly if he was making Jensen uncomfortable.
Jensen was taller than before, almost up to Jared's eyes and Jared couldn't stop staring at him.
“D..do you want to come in.” Jensen asked and Jared had almost forgotten that Jensen used to stutter.
“Yes.” he mumbled, voice hoarse.
They went inside and the house wasn't as small as it had seemed from the outside, there weren't a lot of things spread out and Jared guessed Jensen didn't own a lot of things yet.
“It's not much but it's mine.” Jensen said almost cheerfully, worry edging his tone as if Jared would judge him. “It was abandoned and they said I could take it so..”
“It..It's nice” Jared said.
“Mhm” Jensen said, tone high-pitched. “Do you want some tea?”
“You got tea?” Jared asked as Jensen rummaged the cupboards for some cups.
“Yeah.” Jensen laughed, sounding a little bit off. “Can you believe it? The people who used to live here left some behind.”
Jensen put a small, ancient kettle on the gas stove and lit the fire. “Had to get used to this.” he mumbled and then Jared noticed that his hands were shaking.
“You know Jensen..I can go, I just wanted to see you're okay.” he said slowly.
“No..no it's fine. I'm just surprised to see you is all. Never thought I'd see you again.” Jensen said and Jared had no idea what to make of that.
“Please sit down.” Jensen said and pointed to a chair. Jared sat down, feeling disoriented.
Jensen was so polite, so happy with the things he had. He was almost glowing. He got the kettle from the stove and poured him some tea, hands shaking a little less.
“I never thought I'd see you again either.” Jared said slowly. ”I thought you were dead.”
Jensen didn't say anything and poured some tea into his own cup and sat down, looking down at the table.
“You've been here all this time, all along?” Jared asked, voice strained, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.
“Yes.” Jensen whispered, still not looking up. “I h..hid in the woods for a while, then I managed to find the town again. That couple who owned the gun-store took me in, I made them promise not to tell you I was there if you came looking for me.” he continued, not meeting Jared's eyes.
Jared felt sick, remembering how the man in the gun-store he had just shook his head and closed the door when he asked for Jensen.
“I'm sorry.” Jared said, he knew it wasn't enough, not even close but he couldn't thing of anything else to say. He had to start somewhere.
“I stayed with them for a couple of years and then when spring came this year I moved out here. They said I could stay but they had so many mouths to feed and I wanted to a place of my own.” Jensen said slowly.
Jared just looked at him. Jensen had grown so much, he still looked like a kid but he had his own place, was close to self-sufficient. It made him sad somehow that he had missed it.
“So you're managing by yourself then?” Jared asked, not wanting Jensen to stop talking, didn't want the conversation to end.
“Sort of.” Jensen smiled and Jared almost flinched. Jensen had never really smiled at him before. “I got through this summer okay I guess. But I'm not kidding anyone really, the only reason I'm alive is because people are nice to me and keep giving me things.” he said with a blush.
“Right.” Jared said, feeling odd and strange listening to Jensen talk. Couldn't help wondering what they wanted in return.
There was a awkward pause where they both sipped their tea and Jared couldn't think of anything else to say.
“I tried to hate you for a while.” Jensen said suddenly. “But I couldn't. Not really. Because I realized how scared you must have been, how tired and lonely. I thought about everything you must have been through and I couldn't hate you.”
Jared didn't say anything for a while, then slowly opened his mouth to speak. “You don't know anything about me.” he said carefully.
“No. But I know you must have gone through something horrible to become the kind of person you were” Jensen said, glancing up to meet his eyes and for a second he looked painfully young.
Jared noticed that he said what kind of person he “were” as if it was in the past tense.
“My life wasn't worst than most.” Jared said finally.
“Tell me.” Jensen said, looking at him imploringly.
“Why do you wanna know?”
“Because I wanna know you.” Jensen said imploringly and Jared saw a fire in his eyes that he almost thought he had extinguished.
“It's not much to tell.”
“Please.” Jensen said.
Jared said quiet for a while. He'd never planned on telling anyone his story, least of all Jensen. He didn't want anyone to know about those sides of himself that he could barely live with. But he guessed it didn't matter. Jensen had already seen every horrible side of him so it wasn't much more he could hide.
“I was sixteen when the world ended” he said. “My family got extinct pretty quickly. My sister and mom died in the bombings and my dad shortly after that. They tried to amputate his arm and he bled out. Me and my older brother survived best we could after that, but the cities were rough back then. We got caught up in a gang and six months later he got shot in a fight getting food for me and died right after. I..spent some time in a gang after that. All we did was basically fight other gangs for food. Back then it was all there was. But then the bombings started again and a lot of people died. I fled into the woods alone, scared to death, trying to stay alive. I starved, nearly went crazy. And then I found an older man trailing the woods alone and I begged him for food and he gave me some. He sort of took me in. I was desperate, not used to starving and used to take food from him when I could. He noticed and beat me half to death. But he didn't make me leave. Then one day he started touching me.”
Jared stopped there, not sure of Jensen wanted to hear more. But Jensen just nodded for him to continue, looking pale.
“He didn't do much, just kept grabbing at me all the time. I was humiliated but didn't know where else to go so I eventually I tried to fight him back.” Jared paused, took a breath. “But he beat me down every time I did. He was strong, and I guess I got good at fighting by getting beat up by him.”
Jared took a small pause again, wasn't sure if he wanted Jensen to hear the rest but then decided he at least owed him that much.
“Then one night he roughed me up worse than usual and I was..lying on the ground bleeding, couldn't get up on my own. Then he sat down next to me and started touching me and I couldn't do a thing about it. Three days later when I felt a bit better I got up in the middle of the night, took his knife and stabbed him in the stomach.”
Jared looked at Jensen and saw him looking terrified, but at the same time composed, like he was trying to hold it together.
“I..I was scared. I didn't want to kill him but he was so strong and I was afraid he would come after me. I stabbed him twice then I left him screaming, took all the food he had and ran.”
“How old were you?” Jensen whispered.
“Seventeen.” Jared said, sitting up straight, getting himself together.“ I went back to the cities for a while but everything was chaos there. Almost worse than in the country. After a while I left again, took off into the woods, stole a horse and kept to myself. I did that for years until I met you.”
Jensen looked at him with wide eyes, looking shocked.
“I had no idea..that the world was that bad.” he said finally.
“I didn't help make it better. I stole, fought, did a lot of things I regret.”
Jensen was silent for a while.
“Did you ever kill anyone else, besides that man and t..the men you killed to get me back?” Jensen asked quietly.
“No.” Jared said and Jensen took it in, nodding.
For a while they both sat in silence until Jensen spoke again.
“You know you shouldn't blame yourself for things you did in order to survive.” Jensen said slowly. “Anyone would have done what you did.”
“You wouldn't.” Jared said. “You're not that kind of a person. You would never even have touched a a gun if I hadn't forced you. You don't want to hurt people.”
Jensen looked at him, eyes green and full of sadness.
“Neither did you. You were just scared. So was I but I handled it differently. I let you take he consequences while I waited around to be saved. I wasn't necessarily the good one.”
Jared had never thought about it that way. He wondered when Jensen had gotten so smart, how he'd gotten so much older in just three years. “I bet you still don't have a gun.” he said, changing the subject.
Jensen looked down at the tea in his hands. “No..I don't. I don't ever want one.”
Jared felt sick thinking about Jensen living alone in this house, alone and unprotected. Then he remembered that it wasn't his job to think about Jensen that way anymore. The thought made him ill.
“I..I think I'm going to go.” he said suddenly, getting up from the chair, not sure if he could sit here staring at Jensen anymore, soiling him with stories about Jared's past, knowing Jensen wasn't his to protect anymore.
“Wh..what..but you only just got here.” Jensen stammered, getting up too.
“I know but I..need to leave. I just wanted to know you were alright. And you are so that means I...can go.” Jared said, falling over his own words, not looking directly at Jensen.
“Oh.” Jensen said, and Jared looked up, seeing his wide, hurt eyes and felt sick, knowing that him just being there was hurting Jensen all over again.
“I gotta go.” he said again and put his cup on the counter, turning to leave.
“Did you ever love me at all? Jensen said slowly and Jared quickly turned around, heart in his throat.
Jensen just stared at him with the saddest eyes Jared had ever seen, mouth parted and the cup still in his hand.
“Did you even care for me?” Jensen whispered, looking like he was about to cry.
Jared's tonguee finally got loose.“Of course I cared. You were the only one I cared about at all.” Jared said, his hands shaking by his side.
Jensen stared at him defiantly, blinking away the tears, fire in his eyes. “But you said that I didn't mean anything to you. That I wasn't anything. That I was just...”
“Don't say it.” Jared choked out, not able to hear those words from Jensen's mouth.
“Why not?” Jensen said, smiling even though he was close to crying. “You can't even hear your own words. You come here seeking me out and then get up like you can't wait to get out of here and now you're telling me what I can and cannot say?
“I didn't mean..” Jared started, holding up his hands to explain.
“You destroyed me” Jensen said slowly, making Jared flinch. “You ruined me. You took everything that you could possibly take and then you took some more. I didn't even know I had that much to lose.”
“I'm sor..”
“Don't say it!” Jensen yelled and it was the first time Jared had ever heard Jensen raise his voice against him. “You took everything you could, broke me down so you could control me and then...” his voice trailed off and he touched his forehead, hand shaking again.
“I'm sorry.” Jared said and Jensen didn't look at him. Just kept looking at the wall like he was trying to hold himself together, hand running through his hair.
Jared felt like it was his time to say something. If only he knew what to say.
“It was the only way I knew how to relate to people. “ he said. “I'm sorry I did that to you. I'm sorry for everything.”
Jensen looked at him, breathing heavily.
“Are you saying you're different now?” he asked.
“I don't even...I'm not that person anymore.” Jared said and it felt true. So much anger had evaporated since then. He barely knew who he was now.
“I..I thought you might have killed me if I stayed with you.” Jensen whispered, eyes darting down at the floor. “That's why I left.”
“I'm sorry.” Jared said again. “Sorry I made you feel like that.”
Jensen just nodded, looking tense, arms crossed over his chest as if he wanted to shield himself. For a long while neither of them said anything.
“Do..do you want me to leave?” Jared asked finally, tired and sad.
Jensen swallowed. “I..I just want to know” he started, then swallowed again. “I just want to know if you ever loved me.” he whispered, voice wawering. Then he raised his gaze and looked directly at Jared, eyes wide and honest and Jared felt his heart clench inside.
“There was..there was never anyone else.” Jared said. “I loved you more than anyone I've ever met. But you were just a kid. And I hated myself for thinking about you like that.” he finished.
“But I'm not a kid anymore.” Jensen said, stepping closer. “Do you still think of me that way?”
Jared couldn't help himself then, waved goodbye to caution and whether he deserved it or not and leant in and kissed Jensen, holding him up carefully by the cheek.
Jensen tasted so sweet, like honey and fruit and summer and Jared couldn't believe he never took the chance to do it before. That he had something so wonderful so close and never got to taste it. Eventually he stopped, looking down at Jensen who eyes and red, full lips, chin still in Jared's hand.
“Jared.” he said in a low voice, sounding surprised.
Jared kissed him again, lent closer and wrapped an arm around Jensen's waist, holding him tightly, kissing him fiercely.
“I love you” he choked out as fast their lips parted.
“You do?” Jensen asked and Jared kept nodding against his mouth.
For a while they didn't do anything but kiss, but eventually Jensen took Jared's hand and started leading him upstairs.
“But..” Jared started.
“It's alright” Jensen said, not letting go of his hand. “I want to.”
Once they got into the bedroom Jensen started taking off his clothes and Jared could see that he was nervous. For some reason that made him relax, knowing that Jensen hadn't changed that much and that he hadn't been with that many since he left.
“Have you ever...since me.” he asked, knowing he didn't have a right to ask, but still wanting to know.
Jensen almost covered himself up again, hands flying to his chest. “N..no. I never wanted to..There's this one guy who I think likes me but I couldn't..I couldn't stop thinking about you so...”
“No girls either?”
“No.” Jensen laughed out. “Not even close. I guess you've ruined me.” he smiled.
Jared wanted to smile but couldn't. Those words were horrible. “I don't..I can't have you like that, I can't have you because you're too broken to be with anybody else.” Jared said, sucking in a breath.
“N..no. That's not what I meant.” Jensen said quickly. “I meant that you ruined me because I never loved anybody else but you, and I never could since.”
Jared just looked at him.
“I don't want to take advantage of you.” he said finally.
“You wont.” Jensen whispered softly, cupped his chin and kissed him.
They fell down on the bed entangled in each others limbs and soon all their clothes were gone and there was just warm, smooth skin to touch and kiss and grab. There was light and there was laughter, and a softness and tenderness Jared had never known existed.
They found release way too soon and way too late, laying next to each other, breathing in each others scent. It didn't take long before they slept.
*
Jared stayed after that. First he said it as only for a few days, that he didn't want to impose. He still got jittery and anxious when he had to stay in one place to long. But somehow there always seemed to be a reason for him to stay. The garden always needed a couple of extra hands, the shed needed mending, the path to the house needed clearing. The fence was broken. Jensen didn't know how to cook. He just threw everything in one pot and then stood there looking at it as the vegetables boiled to pieces. Jared had to help him.
Jensen needed him.
Still he couldn't think of them in terms of a relationship. Mostly because he didn't think he deserved Jensen. Jensen was too good for him and Jared had done too many horrible things. But somehow Jensen never seemed to see it that way. He always talked about the good. Kept everything light, easy. Didn't give Jared anymore guilt to carry.
Jared didn't know why Jensen didn't think he deserved guilt. He wasn't a good person. Maybe he never had been. Sometimes he could still get so angry.
There was a neighbour who Jensen was friendly with who gave him everything from tools and food and advice. He'd talk to Jensen from the other side of the fence, hand on his shoulder and laughing as Jensen smiled and ducked his head. “He helped me get settled in.” Jensen said. “He's really nice.” he added.
Jared nodded and didn't say anything in reply. Didn't do anything when the man's hand patted Jensen affectionately and told him to come over at any time. Didn't ask questions of how often they saw each other before Jared moved in. If he was the man that Jensen had turned down.
“I'ts not like that.” Jensen said one day out of the blue. As if he had been reading Jared's mind. “You know that.”
Jared had hummed in response and gone out in the garden. He went there a lot, when his thoughts felt dark and his gut was heavy with fear. Fear that he would somwhow lose Jensen, that someone would take him from him.
To love someone was painful, way harder than Jared had ever thought.
When he hadn't cared about anything everything had seemed easier, and yet it wasn't.
“I love you.” Jensen said and Jared whispered it back against Jensen's warm shoulder. It was still hard to say those words ever since he first said them. To admit that he cared.
He practised saying it sometimes at night, when Jensen was fast asleep. He'd say it again and again, with his hand in Jensen's hair, looking at him sleep, feeling as though the words got out a little easier every time.
Soon he'd be able to say it freely, without force or hesitation. Out in the sunlight, catching Jensen by surprise. And Jensen would look back at him surprised, and then smile.