Chapter five
The next morning they headed to the village. Jensen was acting twitchy and nervous, flinching every time Jared got within a foot of him and it was bothering Jared on more levels than he could count.
It wasn't until they sat on the horse that he slowly started to understand what was wrong. Jensen had been used by him before, but it wasn't until yesterday that Jensen truly had sex. Before it was just something he endured, a necessity and a routine. But now something had changed.
When they came close to reaching the city Jared hid the tin-cans and some supplies in a hollow oak-tree in case they got robbed in town. Then he ordered Jensen not to talk to anyone they met unless Jared told him to, and if anybody asked they were cousins. Jensen just nodded, fidgeting and looking at the ground.
When they rode in Jared kept one hand on Jensen and the other one on his gun inside his jacket, the dead fawn on the back of the horse. Then he saw some kids playing in the middle of the street and a couple of adults waving hesitantly and relaxed visibly, his shoulders lowering. Kids out in the open was a good sign. He stopped in front of something resembling a shop and left Jensen outside to guard the horse. There was a bearded man inside, stocking what looked like home-made bread and cheese on shelves. He looked at Jared carrying the the dead fawn in his arms with narrow eyes and Jared cleared his throat, preparing a speech.
Half an hour later Jared walked outside, matches, vegetables, bread and soap in the sack he brought with him. He'd even gotten some milk in a flask. Quickly he jumped on the horse where Jensen sat and edged the horse on. He didn't relax until they were in the outskirts of the town, then he jumped off the horse and motioned Jensen to do the same. Then they sat down on the grass and ate. Jensen drank the milk with wonder, hiccoughing when he drank too quickly. Jared devoured the bread, only sharing a third with Jensen and decided to save the vegetables for later. The man had invited them to a gathering later, said they were having an annual springfest. He'd said there would be food and Jared was tempted to stay but scared something would go wrong. That someone would try to rob them, or take Jensen. But the promise of food made him want to stay, take their chances. As the hours passed and he saw townsfolk decorating the street with lanterns, setting up tables and preparing food he decided that they were going to take a risk.
Hours later he was drinking some sort of ale, Jensen twitching anxiously beside him, watching men and women, mostly elderly couples dance around the street to the music by a band of fiddlers. After some more beer and food, some of which he suspected was from the fawn he had shot, a girl almost as tall as himself placed herself in his lap, smiling and bouncing ligthly to the music. She wanted to dance but Jared refused, so after a while she contented herself with kissing him. Eventually the night fell so in the lights of the lanterns they made their way behind a tent, Jared pushing up her skirt and the girl moaning into his neck. Fumbling, dizzying moments later and it was over and Jared couldn't remember a thing.
He woke up in the light of day, the girl sleeping beside him. Jensen was a small distance away, looking small and cold as he laid curled in on himself.
Jared tangled himself free and than rustled Jensen awake, relieved when he saw that Jensen had been hugging their sack of supplies all night long.
In the grey light before dawn they made their way to the horse, seeing some people sleeping on the streets or on patches of grass behind the tents. Jared felt strange and tight inside, the whole thing reminding him of when he was fifteen in another life and had sneaked home from a party in the middle of the night.
They rode in the silent morning to the hollow tree that hid their food and belongings. Then they kept riding until the village wasn't visible anymore.
“Did you like her?” Jensen asked when they rode, after both of them had been silent for hours.
“She was nice.” Jared said, hesitation in his voice.
Jensen was quiet for a while and Jared could feel him tensing as though he wanted to speak. “D..did it feel right? Like you were supposed to be with her?”
Jared frowned. “What are you talking about?”
Jensen inhaled noisily, hands entangled in the horse's mane. “L..like it was right, that it felt b..better than it does with me?”
“What the hell kind of question is that?” Jared asked, genuinely surprised.
Jensen shook his head, mumbling something unintelligible.
“What's going on in your head anyway.” Jared muttered, smacking his lips to spur the horse on.
*
“We shouldn't do it anymore.” Jensen said that night, when they both sat staring into the flames.
“What?”
Jared didn't understand what Jensen meant at first and then when he did he couldn't believe it. Kid could barely get through a sentence on a good day but now all of the sudden he was making statements and demands.
“It's wrong.” Jensen said and looked imploringly at Jared before looking away. “A..and..if you like girls then...”
“Do you think this is about a question of liking girls?” Jared asked, his voice rising into a higher pitch. “Sure I like girls, but that doesn't matter. You make do with what you have, and that's it. I got you.”
Jensen looked bewildered. “But I...I don't...and I...”
Jared suddenly understood what Jensen was thinking, it all fell into place. “It doesn't mean anything Jensen. You're young. Your body will react to anything. You'll react that way no matter who touches you, alright?”
Jensen's face was flushed and his throat worked the way it did when he had a hard time getting the words out. “B..but I like it when you...”
“It's alright. It doesn't mean anything” Jared said, meant as comfort but when Jensen looked at him there was hurt in his eyes, a world of emotions displaying themselves that Jared didn't want to take a closer look at.
The rest of the night was spent in silence.
*
The fleeting days of sun vanished a couple of weeks. After a few days rainy days Jared put up a small tent that started leaking after a few hours of endless rain. They stayed in the whole day and lay shivering next to each other at night, the tent still leaking even after Jared had tried covering it with leaves and branches. On the third day of rain Jensen started coughing. He tried to hide it at first, covering it up with his arms as he lay on the floor of the tent, his whole frame shivering. Soon he gained a fever and Jared's blood froze to ice in his veins, his heart turning into stone. A whole night was spent with Jensen burning hot and delirious, talking to people who wasn't there and thrashing around. He asked for his mom, then his dad and his sister. Jared just sat by his side and listened, making sure Jensen stayed covered by blankets even though he was warm. After a while he cooked their last vegetables, made soup of which he made Jensen eat as much as possible. But mostly he just sat and waited. If he was a man of faith he would have prayed.
Then the fever went down and Jensen came back to himself. At first he didn't seem to know where he was. He looked at Jared like he was seeing him for the first time. “You didn't leave.” he whispered.
“You thought I would leave?” Jared asked, surpised.
Jensen just looked at him, like Jared was a puzzle he was missing some pieces to. “I don't know.” he said.
After a week the rain finally stopped. They stayed for a few days, then Jensen started feeling better, his face still looking pale and drawn, his frame more skinny than it was before.
Times got tough for a while after that. Jensen took time to recover and there still wasn't enough in the forests to eat, too early for berries and fruit and for a week Jared had such bad luck with the traps and nets that he was forced to start hunting, leaving Jensen behind. For a couple of days he didn't catch anything and when he came back empty-handed on the third he decided that a can of food was necessary to feed them for the night. He went through the back-pack and counted them by routine as he picked out a can of tuna. Then he suddenly realized that he came up short. He counted them again just to make sure, ransacking his mind if he had used more than he could recall. But he knew for certain when he opened one last, not more than one week back, when they had nothing to eat for an entire day but bark-tea.
Jared sat motionless for a while. He couldn't believe it. “Jensen.” he said quietly.
Jensen was sitting by the tent, cleaning some mushrooms in water that Jared had gathered. When he looked up and saw Jared with a tin-can in his hand he tensed ever so slightly and Jared knew.
“Did you take one of these?” he asked and held up the can so Jensen could see.
Jensen's mouth fell open and he quickly shook his head before he could produce actual words. “N..no.” he stammered and a blush crept up his cheek.
Jared felt his chest tightening in anger, his hands tense as he held the can so hard it hurt. “I never figured you for a liar.” he said.
Jensen looked up, something desperate flickering across his face. “I'm sorry.” he got out, hands twitching and setting down the mushroom he held in his hand. “ I w..was h..hungry a..and..”
“Hungry?” Jared spat out, stuffing the can back in the back-pack. “You don't think I was hungry treading the woods trying to feed your sorry ass while you decided to steal from me?”
Jensen's face quickly lost all colour and he shrank back at the tone of Jared's voice, hands trembling in his lap.“I..I'm sorry.” he said again, voice barely a whisper. “I..d..didn't mean to.”
Jared just had it. He stood up and quickly stalked over to where Jensen was sitting, dragging him up from the ground and shaking him hard. “You stupid...” he choked out. He wasn't sure what he wanted to call Jensen, just knew that he wanted to hurt him. Jensen taking food from him felt like a betrayal, like Jensen had broken whatever bond or trust they had. He shook him harder, feeling a cruel glint of satisfaction when Jensen whimpered.
“I thought I could trust you.” he hissed, his face inches away from Jensen's, wide eyes looked back at him in terror as Jared shook him one last time, leaving imprints of bruises on Jensen's arms. He felt blood-hot anger coiling in his gut, mixing with a sense of betrayal and rage. He couldn't let something like this slide without some sort of repercussion, but he needed to make sure he'd hurt Jensen in a way that would be bad enough to make him never ever wanting to repeat the offence, but without risking losing control.
He looked down at Jensen, his face white as a sheet and noticed his own arms trembling with suppressed rage where he held Jensen, so close to losing it and made a decision. “Let's go.” he said darkly.
He dragged Jensen into the woods, Jensen stumbling on every step, mumbling terrified apologies in a light, soft voice that Jared did his best to shut out.
When he saw a tree with slim enough branches to suffice he stopped, letting go off Jensen momentarily to take out his knife, cutting off a switch almost as thin as his middle finger. Jensen didn't seem to understand what was going on, all he saw was the knife in Jared's hand an the switch in the other and Jared could see him trying to puzzle the pieces together but failing, to petrified to think properly. All he knew was that Jared wanted to hurt him.“J..J..Jared.” he stammered, eyes wide and hurt and terrified, backing instinctly away.
Jared grabbed hold off his neck and brought him closer, holding the switch up in front of him. “You see this? This is a switch. Next time you mess up bad enough to earn something like this, you're cutting this yourself, you understand?”
Comprehension dawned on Jensen's face and was quickly replaced with horror. Mouth falling open he started struggling in Jared's grip. “N..no..nono” he stuttered, not budging an inch from Jared's hold. “Don't.”
Jared wrestled Jensen's head under his arm, dragging his jeans off with the other. Jensen didn't own any underwear and his butt looked oddly pale and small next to Jared's hip. Jared managed to take hold of one of Jensen's flailing hands, knowing he couldn't reach anything with the other and raised the switch.
The first stroke landed right where Jensen's behind met his tailbone leaving a faint, red line on the pale flesh. Jensen shrieked.
Jared raised his arm again, took better aim and let the switch land on roundest part of Jensen's behind, there the thick flesh would protect him from any real harm. Jensen screamed. The line of burning red looking oddly wrong and irritated on Jensen's fair skin, like it shouldn't be there. But Jared had made up his mind. Jensen deserved it, he didn't understand to importance of saving food and it was up to Jared to teach him that, to correct the wrong, making sure Jensen never did the same mistake again.
He let the switch land on Jensen's skin again, again and again, feeling some of his anger subside as Jensen's cries grew more desperate, high-pitched screams that ended in sobs that was quickly replaced with another cry until the sounds blended together in a non-stop wail that produced goose-bumps on Jared's flesh.
When Jensen started sagging in his arms he threw the switch away, stopping before he risked breaking any skin. Jensen's behind was covered with blistering red stripes that looked painful enough to cause considerable discomfort for days. He let go off Jensen who fell into a heap on the ground, sobbing pitifully. It seemed like he couldn't breathe.
“Come on.” Jared clipped, slightly out of breath himself and helped Jensen pull his pants back up, half dragging half carrying him back to camp. As soon as Jared let go, Jensen fell down on the ground again, still crying. He curled in on himself and lay like that, turned away from Jared, hugging himself with his arms.
Jared went about his business, checking traps and starting a fire for the night, but after what felt like two hours of Jensen not moving from his position, shoulders still shaking, he had enough.
“Quit crying already, it wasn't like you didn't earn it.” he snapped, making Jensen's whole body flinch, and then after a short pause he went still.
If Jared looked closely he could see Jensen still trembling minutely but he decided to let it go. He opened the can of tuna and ate almost the whole thing, content with finally eating himself full.
Jensen seemed to smell the fish and untangled himself from the ground, hair mussled and eyes impossibly wide, red from crying.
He saw Jared eating and didn't say anything, didn't ask but followed Jared's every move when he put the can aside, not offering anything to Jensen.
Jensen kept quiet for a long while, maybe hours, until the hunger must have gotten too strong to bear. “P..please c..can I have..”
“No.” Jared said simply. “You ate one can all by yourself, now I'm gonna do the same thing.”
Jensen looked broken, his face to pale and still just in his T-shirt even though it was a cold night.
He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something more but didn't, just shrank in on himself and held his skinny arms like a shield around his waist.
An hour or so passed and then Jared started getting ready for bed.
“Come on, get here.” he said and Jensen seemed to hesitate for a moment before fumbling his way up, limping to Jared who pulled him into the sleeping bag with him, Jensen flinching when Jared's arm made contact with his skin.
He's afraid of me Jared thought. The thought didn't worry him as much as he thought, because he couldn't help but feel that Jensen being scared of him was a good thing. It would help keep him alive, and in line, and prevent him from making any decisions himself. Jared didn't want an equal, he wanted someone who would follow his lead and if Jensen had lost that somewhere along the way it was a good thing that Jared set him straight.
Suddenly he heard small, soft noises coming from Jensen and realized he was shaking again. He wanted to snap at him again, to say that he earned it but instead he kept quiet, arm slung over Jensen's waist. Feeling like though they lived in a world of chaos, at least he could control Jensen.
Chapter six