Nodame Cantabile Fan Fic
Love is a Four-Letter Word
Disclaimer: The characters and themes of Nodame Cantabile are the invention of Tomoko Ninomiya.
It was two minutes past midnight. He had been furiously sending text messages for the past hour but still not a word from her. The meal that he had slaved over for two hours was gradually getting cold. He hated to admit it but he was worried. Why, he didn’t know. He was doomed from the day he met her and become her unofficial keeper… It was too long ago when this crazy business began… too far along that he could not place the exact time or day… She was often more trouble than she was worth… and yet he had to admit it… any debts she had incurred, she had paid back in full. It wasn’t that she gave him companionship… That he felt he could have chosen better for himself. Like a stray cat that made garbage its home, she chose him. She overstayed her welcome and became a permanent house guest. One didn’t have to look very hard to see traces of her person scattered all over his apartment. It didn’t seem to matter to her either that he threw everything he had in her direction. An outsider would have thought her a glutton for punishment to keep coming back for so little. Yet, like a dog with a bone, she had no intention of letting go.
What she did give him, however, was perspective… a different perspective on everything from music to the mundane things of life. His early conventionality found this quirk cloying at first but her influence on his understanding and appreciation of music was undeniable. What began as cloying became somewhat amusing and what was amusing became profound. There was something chameleonic about this hentai. It was as if the gods had conspired to challenge him by sending this many headed beast to his charge.
While tossing around the mixed zoological metaphors in his mind, Chiaki Shinichi could not deny that his anxiety for her was beyond the usual. She was a scatterbrain and could be expected to be late for a number of things. But she had solemnly sworn to be back on time for dinner… and where food was concerned, the reliability factor increased tenfold.
Chiaki didn’t know why he cared or why he should. But after over two years, it had become something of a comedic routine with them. He had carved out for himself a role that he could no longer relinquish. That is if he wanted to. With all his posturing and shouting, there was a sneaking suspicion in his own mind that perhaps it was a role that he had gradually become accustomed to. A role that he had become comfortable with. A role he didn’t mind holding on to for the rest of his life.
Of course he would never tell her this… he had never told her how he felt. It didn’t seem relevant… after all everyone seemed content with the status quo.
Or was he? Shinichi didn’t know himself. He had stopped denying a while ago that she was his girlfriend. He didn’t remember when that happened. He told himself that it was just easier than trying to explain something that couldn’t be explained. Truth be told, he himself did not know what “they” were. Little by little, he had traversed into the forest of the weird. One thing after the next had drawn him in. The music, the madness and the monomania. Did it begin with self-preservation mixed in with pity and then inadvertently turned into love?
Love? No… not love surely? What he and Nodame had was scarcely that… She was at most a habit… sometimes tolerable and occasionally pleasant… and one that he had just happen to invest much time and energy into.
Nonetheless, there was that kiss… at San Marlo’s. Was that merely a spontaneous reaction to the music? He had surprised himself. Chiaki had doubts about whether it commonplace for anyone to be this casually intimate with a former classmate, and all too often meal companion.
It was twenty past midnight. There was still no sign of the habit. Tonight of all nights too. He’d gone to so much trouble. He was seriously contemplating calling the police when he heard the jingling of keys and the door knob turn.
His first thought as she walked through the door was to offer her a piece of his mind but then he saw her weary, hunched figure stagger in, his irritation turned to grave concern.
“What happened? Is everything alright? I tried to get you on your cell phone.”
She threw her piano bag onto the coffee table and slumped into the couch. “I’m utterly exhausted and I’m starving…” To prove her point, her stomach growled on cue.
“Haven’t you eaten?”
There was a brief silence before she mumbled a feeble “No, not since this morning.”
“Then you should have something before you go to bed.”
Her eyes were closed but she said nothing which he took to mean that she was agreeable to his suggestion.
He spent a few minutes warming up the food and then waved it under her nose. This, however, had little effect in stirring her to action. She merely inhaled the aroma but made no attempt to move her hands so he took it upon himself to feed her.
After feeling somewhat strengthened by the meal she made some attempt to speak. “I’m sorry, senpai… I lost track of time but I stayed back to practice after my lesson. Monsieur Auclair doesn’t think I’m ready for next week’s preliminaries.”
“I thought that you’ve been practicing really hard the past week and making a lot of headway.”
“I thought so too but he still doesn’t think that I’m sufficiently prepared.”
“Really?”
“That’s what he said… It made me quite depressed… but I’m determined to prove him wrong.” She paused for a moment before commenting. “The chicken is delicious… so’s the curry… everything’s wonderful…” She sighed. “Don’t worry about me… I’ll be fine. You’ve put in a mammoth effort, senpai… I just wish I had been here earlier… to spend more time…”
It was an effort on her part to talk. With those words, she fell asleep on the sofa. Her hair had fanned out on the cushion like pine needles on an autumn’s day. Not daring to disturb this formation, he stared at it for the longest time fascinated.
It was a guilty pleasure for him watching her sleep… watching her breathing… following the rhythms of her chest rising and falling. He felt an intense desire to touch her and permitted himself the luxury of brushing the back of his hand lightly on her cheek.
He felt the stirrings of something that had lain dormant in the recess of his heart.
The idiot. She’s been working so hard that she forgot her own birthday. She’s completely worn out… if she continues like this, she’s not going to make it to the first round. I’m glad that she’s determined to succeed but to keep pushing herself like this… something will have to give.
No, she wasn’t just a habit. He couldn’t point to the time and place… but she had stopped being just a habit some time ago.
***
Nodame woke groggily at the cry of the alarm clock blaring in her ear. She had no recollection of switching it on. It must’ve been senpai… to keep me from oversleeping.
In her semi-conscious state, her eyes panned the surroundings and noticed that she was in the bedroom. Did he carry me in here? Last thing I remember I was talking to him out there in the lounge area. Is he still here?
Shifting inelegantly towards the edge of the bed, she blinked her eyes and tried desperately to keep them open. The clock registered the time as being ten past nine. Sigh. At least I have about one and a half hours before I have to be at the conservatoire.
She dragged her stubborn feet towards the shower in the hope that it would shock her body into complete consciousness. As she got up, a slip of paper fell to the floor and she quickly pounced on it to prevent it from flying further away. Chiaki had left it behind in haste as he left for rehearsals.
“The leftovers are in the fridge. Don’t come back too late again. By the way… Happy Birthday.”
He had left behind a present with the note… a box set of Schumann’s complete piano works.
In that moment, Nodame had the notion that the sky was about to fall and that the ground was about to crack open and swallow her. Senpai had remembered her birthday and she didn’t even know that he knew when her birthday was. It suddenly occurred to her that he had cooked that five course meal in honour of the said event. Nodame was now wide awake and much more ready to get on with her day.
After her shower, she began to feel the hunger pangs gnawing inside her and skipped eagerly into the kitchen. She saw a bag of croissants lying on the kitchen bench, and took a moment to savour the appetizing aroma leaking through the bag. She took one and the proceeded to raid the fridge for the leftover curry.
There were no fixed rules in the Nodame school of thought about what was appropriate food for breakfast. Food was food and most things appeared vaguely edible. It seemed to her a good idea, having both items at hand, that curry and croissant might not be a bad combination. Tearing a piece of the croissant, she dipped it enthusiastically into the curry, popped it into her mouth for masticating until the entire piece of pastry had disappeared down her gullet.
While absentmindedly chewing on the remaining morsel of her croissant, Nodame wondered how Chiaki senpai really felt about her… in his heart of hearts… He seemed to be less brusque than he used to be and seemed to be a lot more gentle with her. The fact that he remembered her birthday was a good sign that she gaining some importance in his life. She so desperately wanted to succeed at the competition… to prove that she could catch up to him and find some kind of equal footing in this relationship.
Still, Nodame had an inkling deep down that she would never attain that equality… he had too much of a head start. A musical family, innate talent, a strong perfectionist streak… it was as if she a mere mortal was longing to be wooed by Apollo while trying to fend off his adoring devotees while dodging his arrows. But to her credit, Nodame was determined to attain her goal of performing with him, in spite of the obvious handicaps. There were days, however, she wondered if it was worth the effort with so little immediate gain.
It wasn’t as if her motivation was flagging but lately she didn’t seem to be getting much encouragement from anyone. Monsieur Auclair was pushing her hard and senpai… was too busy trying to rebuild the Roux Marlet orchestra. Not that she was planning to fail but she had a sneaking hope that even if she did, it wouldn’t matter to senpai. Nevertheless, despite her apparent simplicity and naivety, Streseman’s words rang constantly in her ears as a reminder to her that if she wanted to be with Chiaki, she would have to get the music right or the gains she had made over the past three years would collapse like a house of cards.
***
Thoughts of Nodame were never very far away from Chiaki’s mind as he put up a good show of being his usual tyrannical self in front of the orchestra. He was, in truth, more worried about her than he had let on. She had thrown herself into achieving her goals and he hoped it wasn’t at the expense of her health. Practising obsessively at all hours, for long hours… not having proper meals… His anxieties caused him to have visions of her looking emaciated and wasting away like a street waif in a third world country.
He had been reluctant to wake her… she was sleeping so soundly and knew that she needed it. Chiaki had stayed the night just to be sure that all was well with her and that she enjoyed a good night’s rest. Much wearied himself, it wasn’t long after that he succumbed and drifted off to sleep beside her.
He wondered if she had seen his note… seen the gift… Unknown to anyone, he had spent an entire afternoon looking for something appropriate and hoped she liked it. That Schumann sonata she played at the Maradona competition had stayed with him all that time… the fervour, the urgency had been so compelling that he could never think about that piece again without first thinking about her rendition. He wondered also if she knew how much he really loved her music… if she understood how much he needed to be a part of its making. The habit had become his musical anchor.
***
When Nodame tumbled wearily into the familiar piano chair, Auclair was already there waiting for her. He gave her a benevolent smile and she stared back at him without seeing him there.
“Is everything alright, baby-chan?”
“Yes… why?”
“You seem rather preoccupied.”
“Do I?” She asked. “I’m fine… probably just a little tired.”
“Does it have anything to do with that boyfriend of yours?”
“Everything has…” She muttered. “But I don’t want to talk about that right now. I have a competition to focus on.”
“That you do… baby-chan… that you do.”
***
Sebastiano Vieira was in town and sat in to watch Chiaki during rehearsals. He made several observations… not all of them strictly about music… but kept them to himself until both men shared news over lunch. At a time he deemed appropriate, Vieira raised a particular question that was very much at the fore of his mind.
“So Shinichi… when am I going to meet her?”
“Who?” Chiaki shot him a puzzled look.
“Your girlfriend… or partner or whatever it is young people call it these days… “
“She… I don’t… How did you know?” Chiaki stammered incredulously.
“Ah… she was very much on your mind during your entire rehearsal… Funny you don’t talk much about her. Must be serious.” Vieira had a twinkle in his eye.
“It’s complicated…” Wonder what gave it away? I thought I was pretty focused this morning.
“Isn’t it usually? But it doesn’t take much to un-complicate matters.” Vieira’s grin widened. “Having couple problems are you?”
“Not exactly… not right now… We’re not exactly a couple… exactly…”
“Oh ho… what are you then?”
“That’s the problem… I don’t know…”
“You must care for her though… if you’re thinking about her during rehearsals…”
“I guess…” He acknowledged grudgingly. He noticed? Did anyone else? I must be slipping.
Vieira noticed the hesitation. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just that… She’s not like any girl I’ve ever met…” An understatement if there ever was one.
“Special, eh?”
“ ‘Strange’… is more the word I was looking for…” Chiaki commented wryly. “Sloppy, obsessive and eccentric.”
“Sounds fascinating… I like what I’m hearing already.” Vieira responded enthusiastically.
“You might change your mind when you meet her.”
“Wonderful… I’d love to… Tonight?”
“I’m not sure… she’s in intensive training for a local piano competition.”
“Pianist? Makes sense I suppose.” Vieira studied Chiaki thoughtfully. “She has to eat some time, doesn’t she?… I’m sure she can spare your old teacher an hour or two.”
“Well, I could try… I can’t promise anything… It all depends on whether she looks at her messages. She is a creature of peculiar habits.”
“When it comes down to it… so are the rest of us…”
“Tell me, maestro… how did you know? About her…”
“Shinichi… more than once… you were smiling to yourself about something and it had nothing to do with the music.”
***
He’s not back yet. Must be running late. Nodame mused as she unlocked the door to his apartment. Wonder who this person he wants me to meet is? Not his father, I guess. They’re not on talking terms as far as I know.
Nodame strolled toward the piano and took out from her favourite piano bag, the scores that she was planning to use for the upcoming competition. May as well practice a bit more while I wait for him to come home.
Her fingers ran up and down the keys first in a playful arpeggio followed by more complex scales increasing in speed and agility. If only that was all I had to do for the competition.
Auclair had selected Chopin’s Etude in C Minor, Op.10 No.12 as the first piece in the upcoming competition. The Revolutionary Etude with its stormy, bombastic accompaniment was a piece entirely in keeping with her strengths and playing style. On this occasion her frustration and latent anger which had been brewing within were given an outlet through the rapid passages. Undoubtedly, her playing was showing growing maturity reflected in increased technical accuracy in timing, rhythm and yet there was a sense that she had more to give… that she had not yet arrived.
Will I ever be good enough? Will he ever understand how deep my feelings run?
Someone standing outside her door understood but it wasn’t Chiaki. He had intended to knock and introduce himself but hesitated when he heard the rush of notes coming from the room. An older and wiser man… someone who had already negotiated the stormy vale of life and love on more than one occasion. He could hear the torrent of emotions expressed and found himself in familiar territory. She’s a child… a fiery child who’s growing and struggling to become a woman. So this is Shinichi’s eccentric love. However, for some reason… she doesn’t feel greatly loved. The urgency… the anguish… it’s heartbreaking.
He continued to stand in awe of the emotional transparency of the player… No wonder he cares… She demands that you do… even against your own will.
He waited till the emotional assault ended before knocking on the door. He could hear the shuffling of feet and turn of the door knob.
“Yes, can I help you?” A young woman with light brown hair with no particular striking feature had come to the door.
“Ah, you must be Shinichi’s friend… Miss Noda…”
“Yes…” She looked confused. “And you are…?”
“I am his old teacher, Sebastiano Vieira. I’ve come to visit. Can I come in?”
***
“I saw you conduct Verdi’s Otello the first night we arrived in Paris. I was very moved by the entire performance. I think Shinichi was too.” First time I ever heard him burst into song afterwards.
“He was, was he? Tell me, how long have you known Shinichi?”
Nodame thought a moment. “About three years now.”
“And you’re in a dating relationship with him?”
Nodame was compelled to think further before answering. “I suppose you can say that although sometimes…”
“Yes…?”
“I wonder whether he takes me seriously… takes our relationship seriously.”
“He’s not the most demonstrative male, is he?”
Nodame shook her head. “He is with his music but with me… he’s not very gentle. He shows his irritation and anger clearly enough. Sometimes I wonder if he just puts up with me because I’m there.”
“It sounds like you have doubts.”
“Yes and no… I know what I want but I’m not sure he does.”
“You know, Nodame, you’re much more practical and hard headed than I expected.”
“Not about most things. But it is my goal to perform a concerto with him and I’m determined to succeed even if he’s half hearted about it.”
“Somehow I have a strong feeling that you will. I hope you don’t mind my asking all these questions… Shinichi was my youngest and one of my favourite students… I haven’t seen him for so long. I just wanted to know what kind of a man he has become.”
“I don’t mind. I’m glad to finally meet you. I’m just surprised that he even mentioned me to you and that you would want to meet me.”
“Of course… I just wanted to see for myself what manner of woman had stolen his heart.”
Nodame looked at him incredulously. “Stolen his heart? Me? I doubt it. He’s probably locked it up in a cage and thrown away the key.”
“He was such a sweet boy… so eager to please…” Vieira reminisced wistfully.
“Senpai… a sweet boy?… That is hard to believe.”
The Italian-born conductor laughed. “Is it?”
Nodame nodded vigorously.
Vieira sobered and remarked. “I don’t think he’s ever come to terms with his parents’ divorce.”
“He never talks about that or about his father. Did you know his father?” Nodame asked curiously.
“Mostly by reputation. I did meet him once after one of his concerts. He’s an amazing pianist but his treatment of the boy was rather deplorable.”
“Really? What happened?”
“Mostly, he ignored the boy… wasn’t much of a husband or father.”
“I wonder what would cause a man to be so hard-hearted.”
“That my dear, has been the subject of numerous books, songs and films… and too gloomy a subject for a pleasant day like this.”
Nodame broke into a grin. “What then would you like to talk about?”
“Now, my dear girl, what do you do for fun around here?”
***
Chiaki slammed the door of his car in haste as he made his way through the entrance and up the stairs. Blast! I really wanted to be home earlier. I wonder if she’s scared him off yet. He sprinted up the stairs apprehensively and then heard the sound of raucous laughter and chatter.
As he opened the door, he found to his great surprise that his beloved teacher and sometimes habit, not-quite girlfriend both sitting on the floor watching her Puri-Gorota DVDs. She had been explaining the background of the Puri-Gorota universe… her take on the characters and some homespun philosophical musings about the show’s dominant themes. To her initial astonishment, the conductor listened intently to what she had to say. Nodame was not used to being taken seriously and was soon engaged in vociferous discussion with the maestro about the show and other well-known cartoons. It was a while before either of them noticed the younger man staring at them all agape.
“Ah, Shinichi… you never told me that Nodame here was such a great conversationalist.”
Shinchi's jaw dropped. Nodame? A conversationalist? Are we talking about the same person here?
“Senpai, you’re late… and we’re hungry. We talked about going to the café to get some pasta.”
She looked relaxed and happy. More than she had been for weeks.
“There’s no need. I can whip something up in less than half an hour.” Chiaki immediately offered.
“Wonderful!” The older man exclaimed. “Nodame, now we can talk more… Have you heard of Tin Tin?”
“Gyabo! Of course I have but I’ve only read the comics in Japanese. I loved them as a child.”
“I’ve got the entire series in print as well as the boxset… and bits of related memorabilia including a replica of the Unicorn which I put together myself. When you come to visit, I’ll show it to you.”
“I’d love that!” Nodame gave Vieira sensei a gleeful hug.
Chiaki was flummoxed and left them to work his own magic in the kitchen. He had almost forgotten Vieira sensei’s penchant for childish things. So the teacher and sometimes girlfriend had hit it off, finding common ground between them.
It made him wonder if this was the cause of so much distance between them… that he had from the first strenuously resisted inhabiting her world. He wrestled to reconcile the woman with the music… all the apparent contradictions that were her makeup. It was as he said to Vieira sensei… complicated.
***
“I should go… “ Vieira sensei gave a polite yawn. “This old body is not what it used to be and I’ve taken up enough of your time, Nodame.”
“I’ll see you out.” Chiaki offered.
“It’s been fun, Vieira sensei.” Nodame shook his hand eagerly.
“I’m sorry I won’t be here long enough to attend your competition.”
“Don’t worry about it… I’d be too nervous otherwise.”
“I hope to see you in Vienna, one day… preferably performing…”
“Oh that will be a long time yet.”
“Not that long… Megumi Noda…” was his cryptic comment before walking out the door, leaving Nodame to ponder over the exact meaning of his parting words.
***
“I’ll drive you back to your hotel.”
“I’ll be fine… besides the walk will do me some good.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m not that old, Shinichi, that I can’t walk a few kilometers. I can always catch a taxi if I start to tire. Go back to her, stay with her. She needs you more than I do.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“Why do you hesitate? You have something good within your grasp and yet you are afraid.”
“For good reason.”
“You don’t doubt her sincerity, surely?”
“No. Not her sincerity.”
“Then, what?”
“It’s complicated.”
“You use that word a lot… as some kind of excuse not to face your heart.”
“It’s not an excuse.”
“Shinichi… the music is nothing without anyone to share it with. Just remember that… as a piece of advice… not from your old teacher but from another man who has made his share of mistakes.”
“Sensei…”
“Take care, Shinichi… and don’t keep her waiting.” The conductor put on his hat and casually ambled away.
***
She was tinkering on the piano when he returned to the apartment. As he strolled toward her, she looked up and stopped whatever she was doing.
“Don’t stop on my account.”
“I should go, senpai… that pasta thing you cooked tonight was especially delicious.” She got up and got her things together.
“You’re leaving already?”
“Yeah, I’d better put in a few more hours at the piano.”
“We didn’t have a proper celebration for your birthday.” He protested.
“It doesn’t matter… we can celebrate later when I’ve done well at the competition.”
“You can stay here and practice. I don’t mind.”
“It’s too distracting here. I need to get back to school. It’s the best place for me right now.”
Is she brushing me off? “I can drive you.” He reached for his keys.
“No need. You look tired senpai… you should rest. Without me here, you’ll be able have a quiet moment to yourself.”
Chiaki wrestled with his feelings. A big part of him wanted her to stay… he wanted to listen to her music… he had missed hearing it… It had been too quiet lately. But another part of him accused him of being foolish. Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted for her? To be independent. To be the best pianist that she can be. You’ll only be holding her back.
“Maybe you’re right.” He assented reluctantly. “I am tired. It’s been a long day. And you don’t need me to add to your stress.”
“Goodnight senpai…” She said before turning to face the door.
“Goodnight.” He muttered with some effort. Must you leave so soon?
“Oh, and senpai… thank you for the birthday present. I will treasure it.” With those words, she walked out the door and closed it gently behind her. I will become someone that you can be proud of.
Chiaki felt a strange chill wash past him as he watched her walk out his door. The habit had become a mainstay in his life. One he was gradually loathe to be without.
___________________
Author’s Note:
I chose to use the expression “forest of the weird” rather than “weirdo forest” because the word "weird" contains a double entendre… The archaic meaning for “weird” has something to do with “fate” or “destiny”, hence, it seemed appropriate to what I’m trying to achieve here.