12 weeks....
12 weeks ago today I was in a car accident. It's been a LONG 12 weeks. Looking at the photos from the accident, and thinking back on it, it was definitely not an "OMG I hope those people are ok!" kind of accident, reality is it probably was only a step or two above being a fender bender, yet it was the worst accident I've been in in terms of injury. I've walked away from way more smashed up cars with maybe some bruises, cuts/scrapes; but this time....dislocated shoulder, twisted vertebrae, and mutiple muscle tears. Its been hard, its been frustrating, its been life changing. You don't realize how much you used to do or could do until you can't do them anymore. Because of the migraines I live in a higher level of pain than "normal" so to say I have days where it just hurts too much to do anything.... but it's also hard for me to express my pain. The pain scale is only so helpful, but when a normal pre-accident day is a 3, and you're used to forcing yourself to function at a 6, it's hard to get people to understand/believe what you're feeling, because a 5 would have them in bed for days.
The most interesting thing in all of this....that saying, need something and discover who your real friends are, kinda rings true. People who say they are my best friends/homies/sister/etc have barely been checking on me, if at all. People who I would have, at best, described as "close aquantainces" regularly just check in, ask if I need anything, even just offer an ear if I need it. I'm not the type to actually ask anything of anybody, I'm usually the doer, but just the fact that people can pull their heads out their own clouds if even for a second means a lot. I think it hits me harder because before this all happened I'd already started pulling away from a number of people who never seemed to fully be able to see past their own noses, own situations, etc to really see the world around them; so, for me, the lack of contact now, kinda, right or wrong, confirmed my feelings of "they just don't care". In some aspects, we all have to be a little selfish because we have to take care of ourselves, but in that selfishness we can't be so singular/insular in our thinking, making everything in terms of "well this is how it makes me feel" and not giving credence to how our actions make others feel and not acknowledge that maybe we get treated the way we get treated because of that. I can't hang around Julie because Julie makes me feel good, while never giving Julie what she needs to feel equal/balanced in the interactionship and then play victim when Julie decides hanging around me no longer makes her feel good because she feels she is getting nothing in return. That balance can be tricky, most people, myself included, don't always come across as we think we do. But we all know we're judged by our actions (or lack thereof) and not our intentions. I like to think that's why, crass (it cracked me up when someone described me as crass) or not, I try to say what I mean and mean what I say. I apologize when I think I didn't come across as intended, I apologize even when I dont feel I'm wrong. I try to make my needs/wants clear. But at the end of the day I only have control of me. I have to remember that everybody doesn't operate as I do, think like I do, or have the heart that I do. Nor can I expect them to fully understand when I get fed up, even when they've been told "this is what I need from you" "this is how i feel when you..." People have to function in their comfort zones and in ways that their brains/hearts can handle and process....
Wow this post has taken a different turn than I expected so I think it's time for me to stop.