double fault
i hate knowing there is a rift between friendships and knowing you are the cause of it, but not knowing what to do to remedy the situation. i feel so helpless and at times hopeless and i just yearn for us to be us again in the way that we always were and have been and i hope i am not running to other outlets of pleasure and fun just to get my mind of those greater and more meaningful and more lasting things. girls are such funny creatures, especially those like callie and i who have made it our whole aim in life to not be such and just feel so defeated when those sides of who we are and cannot resist take over and ruin things. if i bear children of the female sex one day i may as well shoot myself dead.
on another more pleasant note -- i hope to be going to the acl festival this weekend where two of my favorite girls with rage and wonderful vocal chords will be singing: patty griffin and sheryl crow. this means of course skipping friday's classes and paying a fee -- but both well worth it in the grand scheme of things. i so hope that callie and i get to do that... roadtrips with her are always full of both silence and laughter, loud singing and windows rolled down - i am always more aware of the fact that we are truly one of kind when we spend so much time together alone in a small confined space. i miss the relationship we had over the summer... gosh can i screw things up.
last night at jen's bible study we were talking about the solitariness of god -- just how unique and odd and weird and strange it is for him to exist and be so absolutely perfect. like the fact that no one loves with god's love or reigns with god's power or provides like he can and does, or waits with patience like he does, or possesses an ounce of the holiness that he is -- it is just truly awesome to think about. he embodies the word "awesome" to me -- we use that word so flippantly (maybe not now so much as in the 80's) but to be full of awe over something is an emotion i rarely feel except when thinking about who god is and how great and big his attributes and definition are/is. crazy crazy. i used to say things in 3s a lot, but now i think i've downsized to 2s -- we'll see it may just be a tonight thing.
so i'm thinking about going to springs this sunday and i'm honestly scared out of my whits to go back there. but i am in heavy and urgent need of some deep in your face truth. i wish i could just go and be invisible and not have to talk or dodge or whatever else i feel i have to do there. or hey -- here's a thought -- i wish i could just go and not care or wonder what people are thinking as they stare into my eyes and say hi and that they have missed me, etc etc. i hate that i can't get out of my mind that they are just machines behind those blank smiles and beady eyes... i am the worst. they really are good people - some of the best i have ever known and they have always looked out for me and taken care of me - i just hate that they think that since i am not going to that church right now that i am not right with god. and sure- i'm not as close or walking as uprightly as i have in the past, but it's not because of that sole fact. for the past couple of years i have gone there and loved to hear the word from god spoken through rex, but my mind was always wondering about other things and never really comprehending or studied or understood all the things nor the brevity to which the things i was listening to could affect my life. i need a friend to join me, i think, perhaps. i'll work on that. springs is really such a great place - i just have such a hardened heart to it and some of the folks there that it saddens me and i am filled with conviction about the past and letting things go and moving on and going forth. i hate how you think the past is dead and gone and over with... like seth webb -- haylee magically lives right behind him and sees him the other day and tells me about him -- and him, stupid old horrible seth webb who used to make me laugh and who truly stole every inch of my innocent laughter and mindset now pops into my head and i think on those times i spent with him as "good" times. what is going on when i think about those times and reminisce about those good ole days? those were the days of complete depravity for me, and today i actually missed his big smile and his crazy ways. just like some days i miss navy blue sheets or bed olympics or aaliyah or boston and boys in pink shirts or being shaken until i am laughing uncontrollably or the gap in his front teeth - or living without a conscious and loving every moment of it. i wish it could be deleted from my mind. i wish some nights were just blurs in my past, but instead i can remember every detail and it makes me sick to my stomach and i can't breathe and i am back there. memories can be such a double edged sword.
i love the us open. i really do just like sports. i mean, even football which i used to dread and hate the season of, i am starting to learn to like.. not close to love, but i can stomach it and am starting to understand it. basketball still isn't high on my list at all. but i love all other sports and wish i was good at playing all sports. tuesday night i played in this sort of softball pick up game for the ymca or something like that and it was so fun to hit the ball -- even if i hit two fouls (hey, one was "out of the park!!") it's just fun to swing and connect and hit something and then fun really fast to a base. bases are so comforting and they really are so attractive to me as a player... to get to the next base and the next one and then home which is the ultimate base. and soccer - i love to kick the ball and i love to throw the ball in once it's gone out from the sideline - over head without picking your feet off the ground. and tennis - though i think the grunting is unnecessary - i think it'd be fun to hit the ball so hard that you have to do that, but it's just fun to hit it period!!!
ok - i'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard. goodnight.
on another more pleasant note -- i hope to be going to the acl festival this weekend where two of my favorite girls with rage and wonderful vocal chords will be singing: patty griffin and sheryl crow. this means of course skipping friday's classes and paying a fee -- but both well worth it in the grand scheme of things. i so hope that callie and i get to do that... roadtrips with her are always full of both silence and laughter, loud singing and windows rolled down - i am always more aware of the fact that we are truly one of kind when we spend so much time together alone in a small confined space. i miss the relationship we had over the summer... gosh can i screw things up.
last night at jen's bible study we were talking about the solitariness of god -- just how unique and odd and weird and strange it is for him to exist and be so absolutely perfect. like the fact that no one loves with god's love or reigns with god's power or provides like he can and does, or waits with patience like he does, or possesses an ounce of the holiness that he is -- it is just truly awesome to think about. he embodies the word "awesome" to me -- we use that word so flippantly (maybe not now so much as in the 80's) but to be full of awe over something is an emotion i rarely feel except when thinking about who god is and how great and big his attributes and definition are/is. crazy crazy. i used to say things in 3s a lot, but now i think i've downsized to 2s -- we'll see it may just be a tonight thing.
so i'm thinking about going to springs this sunday and i'm honestly scared out of my whits to go back there. but i am in heavy and urgent need of some deep in your face truth. i wish i could just go and be invisible and not have to talk or dodge or whatever else i feel i have to do there. or hey -- here's a thought -- i wish i could just go and not care or wonder what people are thinking as they stare into my eyes and say hi and that they have missed me, etc etc. i hate that i can't get out of my mind that they are just machines behind those blank smiles and beady eyes... i am the worst. they really are good people - some of the best i have ever known and they have always looked out for me and taken care of me - i just hate that they think that since i am not going to that church right now that i am not right with god. and sure- i'm not as close or walking as uprightly as i have in the past, but it's not because of that sole fact. for the past couple of years i have gone there and loved to hear the word from god spoken through rex, but my mind was always wondering about other things and never really comprehending or studied or understood all the things nor the brevity to which the things i was listening to could affect my life. i need a friend to join me, i think, perhaps. i'll work on that. springs is really such a great place - i just have such a hardened heart to it and some of the folks there that it saddens me and i am filled with conviction about the past and letting things go and moving on and going forth. i hate how you think the past is dead and gone and over with... like seth webb -- haylee magically lives right behind him and sees him the other day and tells me about him -- and him, stupid old horrible seth webb who used to make me laugh and who truly stole every inch of my innocent laughter and mindset now pops into my head and i think on those times i spent with him as "good" times. what is going on when i think about those times and reminisce about those good ole days? those were the days of complete depravity for me, and today i actually missed his big smile and his crazy ways. just like some days i miss navy blue sheets or bed olympics or aaliyah or boston and boys in pink shirts or being shaken until i am laughing uncontrollably or the gap in his front teeth - or living without a conscious and loving every moment of it. i wish it could be deleted from my mind. i wish some nights were just blurs in my past, but instead i can remember every detail and it makes me sick to my stomach and i can't breathe and i am back there. memories can be such a double edged sword.
i love the us open. i really do just like sports. i mean, even football which i used to dread and hate the season of, i am starting to learn to like.. not close to love, but i can stomach it and am starting to understand it. basketball still isn't high on my list at all. but i love all other sports and wish i was good at playing all sports. tuesday night i played in this sort of softball pick up game for the ymca or something like that and it was so fun to hit the ball -- even if i hit two fouls (hey, one was "out of the park!!") it's just fun to swing and connect and hit something and then fun really fast to a base. bases are so comforting and they really are so attractive to me as a player... to get to the next base and the next one and then home which is the ultimate base. and soccer - i love to kick the ball and i love to throw the ball in once it's gone out from the sideline - over head without picking your feet off the ground. and tennis - though i think the grunting is unnecessary - i think it'd be fun to hit the ball so hard that you have to do that, but it's just fun to hit it period!!!
ok - i'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard. goodnight.