Fanfic; Dragon Age: Origins: Sound of White, part one

[lilith_morgana]

Title: Sound of White
Characters: Amell, Cullen, Alistair
Rating: M for future chapters
Words: 2000-ish
Spoilers & warnings: Spoilers for mage origin as well as Ostagar. Not much else.
Summary: She quite possibly makes the worst first impression in the history of Grey Wardens.
Notes: Chapter 1 of 4. The SO said the other day "the should have made

Comments

[inversereality]

Lovely vignettes! I like that you balance between filling in important details of the character's specific past, and touching upon the story elements of the game. We already know the story, here, so you just gives us the bare details of what makes it Ella's specific past. Too often I see fics that spend waaay too much time in the player's head, and not focused on telling the character's story.

I think you do a good job of focusing on Ella's emotions and turmoils without letting the reader fully fall into her self-pity and angst. The vignette storytelling style helps, as that maintains distance, and instead, we are free to savor her bitter and sweet emotions in a sympathetic way. It's subtle how you build her character -- she's obviously got sass and a spine, but when we meet her at the beginning of the story, she is still young and raw and torn with emotion. We see her at her most vulnerable and weak. But the clues you give us leave me believing that the journey she is about to undertake will be one of growth and maturity, and from what I've seen here, it's a journey I would be interested to read.

Little logical details were the only thing that tripped me up in this story. Lines like, "Little Ella Amell, name like a rhyme and eyes like the sky," appear beautiful, but actually contradict themselves. "Ella Amell," doesn't rhyme, these are instances of alliteration -- poetry, yes, rhyming, no. Moreover, the line itself does not "rhyme" (I was hoping for it), and ends by breaking the iambic meter of the first half, thus creating a jarring, and uncomfortable read. (Okay, most readers probably didn't notice it, but your writing here is genuinely good, and I think you could do even better.)

I really appreciated the finesse and little details you put into this piece. It's so rare for me to unabashedly enjoy a fic, and you've got obvious talent. I hope to see you write more to come!

[lilith_morgana]

Thank you so much for the long and constructive comment! I'm glad you like the writing, I like using this style for this kind of storytelling and it's a style I'm fairly comfortable with. But you're right, the rhyme-thing was sloppy. Last minute addition, in fact, which is something I normally avoid since it upset the flow.