(no subject)
I can't handle sometimes. The stresses of being so far away from him drive me up the wall and I know he is readong this and worrying about it, as we just finished a conversation, but I feel like writing so I felt it was a good time to write.
That is the most "I's" I've seen in anything I've have said in a while. I haven't been completely honest with myself and I think it is beginning to catch up with me slowly. I don't remember the last time I wrote for me or did something for me and my time at home was very enlightening. I sat with jeff for a while at the lake and even though it was only an hour or so I felt much better after sitting there and talking for ten minutes. There is just something about the air and the way it comes off the water and hits my face that can not be matched. I don't even know how to describe it. It makes me think about things I tend to push away when I am at school. I never face these things because I sometimes feel like i don't have a support system here at school. Yes Tim you're right about that. I don't have one as i did at home, but I was very lucky to have what I did and I thank God every day that I still have that now from all of you (you know who you are.)
Tonight I just think that I thought about the serious and horrible possiblity that Tim and I may not work out in the end. No one knows the answer to this, and it scared me so much because for the first time in my life I have found soemthing so perfect that I feel like i need to see what is wrong with it because nothing is ever this good. There is no way that everything could be so perfect... but it is and I guess it is a new thing for me. Something that needs adjusting to. Even when i was with craig, we never worked through things. If soemthing was wrong, we broke up or stopped talking for a few weeks. I should have known that something was fucked up. But it is the past and that is that and it needs to be left alone- which is why i have not talked to him in forever. His mom imed me yesterday and in some ways I wish she wouldn't talk to me anymore. I don't have anything to say to her about much of anything because I don't really want to hear about him. I wanted to hear it from him not her and finally i have found myself actually not really wanting to ne friends with him because i have been really happy with out that stress in my life. It is a weird release of tension- not talking to him that is.
It is also a weird release of tension every time Tim and I have a serious talk. I always feel closer to him and in that sense I love our really serious conversations. I do get paranoid about a lot of things but I think that in time those tendencies will fade, as most do, and I will be alright. I just can't thank God enough for sending him to me. For that i am more than grateful...
That is the most "I's" I've seen in anything I've have said in a while. I haven't been completely honest with myself and I think it is beginning to catch up with me slowly. I don't remember the last time I wrote for me or did something for me and my time at home was very enlightening. I sat with jeff for a while at the lake and even though it was only an hour or so I felt much better after sitting there and talking for ten minutes. There is just something about the air and the way it comes off the water and hits my face that can not be matched. I don't even know how to describe it. It makes me think about things I tend to push away when I am at school. I never face these things because I sometimes feel like i don't have a support system here at school. Yes Tim you're right about that. I don't have one as i did at home, but I was very lucky to have what I did and I thank God every day that I still have that now from all of you (you know who you are.)
Tonight I just think that I thought about the serious and horrible possiblity that Tim and I may not work out in the end. No one knows the answer to this, and it scared me so much because for the first time in my life I have found soemthing so perfect that I feel like i need to see what is wrong with it because nothing is ever this good. There is no way that everything could be so perfect... but it is and I guess it is a new thing for me. Something that needs adjusting to. Even when i was with craig, we never worked through things. If soemthing was wrong, we broke up or stopped talking for a few weeks. I should have known that something was fucked up. But it is the past and that is that and it needs to be left alone- which is why i have not talked to him in forever. His mom imed me yesterday and in some ways I wish she wouldn't talk to me anymore. I don't have anything to say to her about much of anything because I don't really want to hear about him. I wanted to hear it from him not her and finally i have found myself actually not really wanting to ne friends with him because i have been really happy with out that stress in my life. It is a weird release of tension- not talking to him that is.
It is also a weird release of tension every time Tim and I have a serious talk. I always feel closer to him and in that sense I love our really serious conversations. I do get paranoid about a lot of things but I think that in time those tendencies will fade, as most do, and I will be alright. I just can't thank God enough for sending him to me. For that i am more than grateful...