snowy monday
I am so overworn right now. My body is tired of school, I just want to be home for break now. I know, only 2 more days and I'll be finee. I feel like so much has happened since friday. getting stoned beyond belief really didn't help. it made things appear to be a much bigger deal then they really were...and because of it one of my good friends is now acting pissed at me. Whatever, I don't need it...he can go, not a big deal. I guess I wasn't meant to have all my friends and a boyfriend too. I'm thankful for the ones who have stuck by me though, i'm greatful for that actually. I'm really weird with my moods right now, it's sucky. Ever since I went off the pill to take a break from it....it makes auntie flow messed up, so it's technically like 2 weeks late, and i know its nothing else except the pill...but being a girl and when you'er supposed to get auntie, and auntie doesnt' show...the pms doesn't leave and the emotions of having it are here...gahh, girlness. I can't wait to be home. I am much more irritable especially when I have the wrong idea about someone and their intentions. I know and have been told they're fine, but its' still hard to go from being the only girl to their being another one now. even though they're just friends, it's just hard to get used to, which I dont know why, i'm the one who has the history with him and the memories and laughter, kisses and hugs, smiles, and cuddles, tears and inside jokes, movie watching skills, activising skill hehe ;-). It's so funny what love can do to a person. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't have friends like that anymore, as much as I like to say I do...we've all grown apart, the 4 of them, kim and I and julianne were an established clan. Don't get me wrong, what I have now is very worth it. I just miss certain things. I remember when he started to like her last year, I was so happy for him, because it was when I started to really fall for pat and we had been dating for like a day haha, and we went to the mongolian banquet and talked about our new found crushes together and it was so wonderful, we were boths o happy. I'm happy now with Pat, very...but I'm not so sure my friend is. Who knows, i wouldn't since we dont talk anymore. I understand how girlfriends can get, I am one, I understand the feeling of territory and getting jealous and wanting him all to yourself...whcih is why I backed up quite a bit so as not to hurt her or give her the wrong idea..but yeah that was salmost a year ago. I believe if it's true friendship and love that you'll find your way back to each other, i believe if you are in love with someone....you should pursue it and not put it on hold for anytrhing...distance only makes the heart grow stronger and helps you realize many things. At least for me, going to SMC has really helped me a lot, as much as it's upset me at the same time. I know now that I'm not sure if I want to go to a 4 year college, I'm not sure if I want to do that with my life. I'm thining of going to a professional school to get a ddegree, similar what hallmark is to photography, I am interested in interior design and there is a school in NH. I"m not sure yet, all I know is after this year and after I figure it all out, I could end up there. My brain is so worn of doing this school stuff, I don't feel it's me right now, Id on't feel like I want to spend the money on it. I want to do something fun and new and exciting, of course definitely taeking piano and perhaps voice lessons on the side for sure. I am not that great in school, I mean I'm smart and stuff, but i have certain learning difficulties which make it harder, and I've been struggling since as long as I can remember with school, since elementary school. I remember allways trying my ass off to even get a B-, that was AMAZING at times for me. I'm not saying go have a pity party for me, i'm just saying I don't know if I want to take all these courses in philosophy, religion, tons of english courses, math. I would love to take a writing course, a photography course, music classes, a biology course, I dunno...language. I'm confused. I feel like I knew exactly what I wanted before I got here...and now my world is upside down and everything is different, the only thing I know that I want is Pat, which I have so I lucked out there. I know I need to be close to him because we're just too special. I know that my decision for next year will be based a lot around him, as much as we can help it. And now I've rambled on so much....and I just think that I am going to go nap now because I finished my exam....this was a long entry and very random and jumpy from topic to topic. Have a nice day everyone.