To prayers that love is never to late, and dreams tomorrow isn't to early to mend.
In my dreams it’s like an old black and white film, streaming over and over again like a broken record. No matter how many times I try to change the track, it keeps going back to the same one. No matter which record I replace it with, the memories poison my sleep - and I wake up knowing. Just. . .knowing. As I lay restless within the ocean of sheets, a slight breeze creeping through the crack in the window. The images still burning their way through my mind like a forest fire.
My own emotions scare me more than I can explain. The fact that I cannot control something so powerful within me, is like no nightmare I've ever had before. It makes the very bones in my body feel as if they're deteriorating as I breathe. I've never faced my emotions when I've felt them strongest, because I fear that doing so may shatter the very walls I've built to keep myself standing. However, every time I figure out that's what needs to happen - I also find that along the way . . . I dropped some piece to life’s puzzle that made me the happiest. Yet, not only is it my own emotions - it's the emotions that others cause me to feel.
When I begin to feel something I can't control, I run away. Without realizing it, I grow distant in any friendship or relationship in general. Outside of family, there are maybe 5 people who have caused me to feel such emotion. All of them I subconsciously tried pushing away at some point. It's not something I'm proud of. In fact, it's something I wish I could change. If it were easy, I would have done it a long time ago. It's a flaw of mine that I have come to realize more and more as I've gotten older, and if I could place the word "hate" with anything in life . . . this would be at the top of the list. Why? - Because at the end of it all, it has caused me to lose people I care about. People I love, even (dare I say the word.) Whether it is temporarily or permanently, knowing it happened . . . feeling what I was too afraid to admit in addition to the feeling I get knowing my distance is what caused so many threads to come lose is almost numbing.
If I could mend it . . . I would without hesitation. However, I can't mend with a thread-less needle. Right now, it feels as if I’m trying to do just that because I don't know where to start.
I have never felt this close to "empty." If I'd only faced how alive I felt to begin with and said something about it, it may all have been different now; or maybe not. Who's to say?
I was scared and I hid because you made me feel.
Now, it’s like a broken record; a black and white movie.
I'll find that needle and thread. I’ll mend this one way or another. How’s the outcome going to go? Either how I wish it will or the polar opposite. Whatever way it is, it’s going to happen without an ounce of emotion being hidden.
It’s time to face my fears . . . no matter how scary it may be.
“Only once you face your fears, do you truly live.”