More than words.
"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give permission for others to do the same. As we liberate from our fear, Our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson; "A Return to Love"
I've heard this quote, read this quote, seen this quote many times throughout the last 7 years of schooling. Of course, at first I brushed it off thinking it was just another "booster" for us middle schoolers and high schoolers to get us through our 3-4 years of rumors, mockery, and back stabbing that so many seem to enjoy doing (yet, of course not receiving).
This past month for me was tough. I was enjoying school and felt on top of the world, while at the same time I was hating it . . . already its political with some of the staff, already I see the hidden hatred between some of the students, already I could sense and feel the world within the school shifting unsteadily. I realized that I am no longer a child. I'm not longer a help with the boys, its no longer a "yes" or "no" answer with a possible yelling matching with the parents, I'm no longer allowed to shy away from adult responsibility. I moved out of the house at 18 (not only the second child to move out but the first to do so so young), and not only did I move out . . . I moved to another state. I'm turning 19 in 4 weeks, which means one more year until I'm 20 years old . . . and the year goes by so quickly now. For the last two weeks of school with the now seniors before the other freshman came in, I was the quiet one in the back to keep myself from mouthing off at such rude and self centered 16 and 17 year olds.
All of this hit me at once and I was drained. I started to question where I'm going. I started to question whether "everyone else" was right. All those people who said I would never make it. All those times I said I'd prove them wrong, would I really?
One week ago, I had my first given tarot reading. I've done meditation tarot on myself, but never had a reading given to me. I'm not going to go into detail the question I asked, because only I know that. Even if the question were to be said out loud, the only person who fully understands the depth to the question is the one asking anyway. When the card meanings were read to me, though, everything about them was true. I could connect each card and each meaning to something the question I asked was related to. It was so intense, I started choking and wanted to cry but . . . it was like my eyes were in shock and tears couldn't even form.
My fear was overwhelming me so much that I was trying to make other things block it out. Instead of focusing on WHY I'm here, I was focusing on everyone else around me; allowing them to take over my emotions. I was letting them get to me to hide the fact that I am afraid. I'm afraid of being unnoticed, yet I'm afraid of being noticed. I'm afraid my future won't come, yet it can't get here fast enough. I'm afraid, most of all, of the let downs. Of letting people down. The ones who got me here, the ones who are supporting me, the ones who are routing for me . . . but must of all, of letting down myself.
Then, 3 days later, I saw that quote in the beginning of this e-mail hanging above me in a book store. Two days after that, that quote was a part of a movie I was watching and it hit me. It finally hit me why in all those years of middle school and high school, every language arts teacher would have us sit as a class and read that quote on the first day of school.
Our greatest fear, is not, that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear, is that we are powerful beyond all measure. Our greatest fear, is something we shouldn't fear, and that fear is ourselves.
I'm rethinking a few paths I had blueprinted before I moved. My goals are 95% the same, just another year of cosmetology studying before business/theater arts schooling. However, a few trips in a plane . . . maybe a couple weeks on a cruise . . . a few road trips for a day long photo shoot . . . maybe leaving the country for a couple years . . . they're all sounding pretty good . I'm only 18 years old, I have 81 years and one month left to fulfill my biggest dreams.
Some people say that I've changed since I moved.
I say . . . I'm finally finding myself. I'm finally becoming a me, who isn't afraid . . . of me.
-Marianne Williamson; "A Return to Love"
I've heard this quote, read this quote, seen this quote many times throughout the last 7 years of schooling. Of course, at first I brushed it off thinking it was just another "booster" for us middle schoolers and high schoolers to get us through our 3-4 years of rumors, mockery, and back stabbing that so many seem to enjoy doing (yet, of course not receiving).
This past month for me was tough. I was enjoying school and felt on top of the world, while at the same time I was hating it . . . already its political with some of the staff, already I see the hidden hatred between some of the students, already I could sense and feel the world within the school shifting unsteadily. I realized that I am no longer a child. I'm not longer a help with the boys, its no longer a "yes" or "no" answer with a possible yelling matching with the parents, I'm no longer allowed to shy away from adult responsibility. I moved out of the house at 18 (not only the second child to move out but the first to do so so young), and not only did I move out . . . I moved to another state. I'm turning 19 in 4 weeks, which means one more year until I'm 20 years old . . . and the year goes by so quickly now. For the last two weeks of school with the now seniors before the other freshman came in, I was the quiet one in the back to keep myself from mouthing off at such rude and self centered 16 and 17 year olds.
All of this hit me at once and I was drained. I started to question where I'm going. I started to question whether "everyone else" was right. All those people who said I would never make it. All those times I said I'd prove them wrong, would I really?
One week ago, I had my first given tarot reading. I've done meditation tarot on myself, but never had a reading given to me. I'm not going to go into detail the question I asked, because only I know that. Even if the question were to be said out loud, the only person who fully understands the depth to the question is the one asking anyway. When the card meanings were read to me, though, everything about them was true. I could connect each card and each meaning to something the question I asked was related to. It was so intense, I started choking and wanted to cry but . . . it was like my eyes were in shock and tears couldn't even form.
My fear was overwhelming me so much that I was trying to make other things block it out. Instead of focusing on WHY I'm here, I was focusing on everyone else around me; allowing them to take over my emotions. I was letting them get to me to hide the fact that I am afraid. I'm afraid of being unnoticed, yet I'm afraid of being noticed. I'm afraid my future won't come, yet it can't get here fast enough. I'm afraid, most of all, of the let downs. Of letting people down. The ones who got me here, the ones who are supporting me, the ones who are routing for me . . . but must of all, of letting down myself.
Then, 3 days later, I saw that quote in the beginning of this e-mail hanging above me in a book store. Two days after that, that quote was a part of a movie I was watching and it hit me. It finally hit me why in all those years of middle school and high school, every language arts teacher would have us sit as a class and read that quote on the first day of school.
Our greatest fear, is not, that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear, is that we are powerful beyond all measure. Our greatest fear, is something we shouldn't fear, and that fear is ourselves.
I'm rethinking a few paths I had blueprinted before I moved. My goals are 95% the same, just another year of cosmetology studying before business/theater arts schooling. However, a few trips in a plane . . . maybe a couple weeks on a cruise . . . a few road trips for a day long photo shoot . . . maybe leaving the country for a couple years . . . they're all sounding pretty good . I'm only 18 years old, I have 81 years and one month left to fulfill my biggest dreams.
Some people say that I've changed since I moved.
I say . . . I'm finally finding myself. I'm finally becoming a me, who isn't afraid . . . of me.