Sun Täytyy Mennä
Sorry, I kinda vanished for the weekend and the better part of this week. I'd have put up some note (especially to you Syr, since you're having a hard time *pets her*) but it all happened real quick.
The thing is my mom called me on Thursday, telling me they'd be dropping by the next day as they were on their way to see my grandmother, my only living grandparent. It was also the first time she mentioned that granny's taken a turn for the worse and that at some point the doctor they'd spoken to had gone as far as asking about her opinion on the possible recovery measures. Meaning she was at a really bad state. I didn't initially wanna go and see her, we're not very close and the trip is long and usually very emotionally tiring as well. I don't think I'd have gone with them if it weren't for the convo I had with Gob that same night. I dunno, she cleared my thoughts on the subject, so the next day I just packed my things and went along.
The drive alone is around 5 hours. I get motion sickness when I'm not driving and it was so bright I also had a hammering headache. We went to sleep at my grandmother's house, which is so old they don't even have a shower there, only this freaky sauna that's practically illegal, because the water isn't run out properly (or so I'm told). I got to see my grandmother the next day. She was in the hospital, her memory of the past few weeks practically a blur. She couldn't even walk on her own. Half the time I couldn't make out what she was saying. She did seem happy we were there though. The rest of the weekend I just spent upstairs, making icons (which explains me posting about 400 as soon as I got back), neatly blocking it all out. I saw her on Sunday as well, she was a lot perkier then and we even talked. She asked me how I was doing and I told her.
When we were supposed to leave on Monday I had a fever and right before stepping into the car I had another panic attack. I get those more and more nowadays. One last fall, two this summer (one being the day before my sister's wedding). Apparently the stress and long drives cause it, or then it has got something to do with my migraine as mom explained. I didn't see my grandmother that day, just slept in the car, white as a sheet and anguished. Mom told me she was worse on Monday, that she was weaker, and kept talking about her death and tombstone and all that. When I got home I just fell to the bed. I honestly think it'll be the last time I'm gonna see her.
But onto brighter news. I finally met my second roomie, Suvi. She's studying to become a nurse and seems nice. We haven't talked much yet, due to my illness that drained me pretty much the whole week. There'll be plenty of time for that. Reetta has been really nice though. She's obviously this bohemian sisterly type, who likes to take care of people. I ran into her accidentally when I driving home from the library and she showed me a few short-cuts. She's really nice. I'm almost regretful that we won't be living together for very long, seeing as both she and Suvi will graduate this year.
I'm still pretty anxious about school. Not because of the obvious though, no, it's more because I'll have to drive to school every day with that god awful bicycle. I hate bicycles. I learned to drive at a very late age so my balance is fucked. I can't even drive with just one hand, let alone without both. I guess I'm also a bit jumpy about the whole meeting new people thing. I've sucked at that. ;) But yeah, I'll give it some effort than the last time. Back then I really avoided trying anything, just sat still, listening my Deftones (not even the cool, sultry Deftones but the angry rap Deftones) and staring at my own notes, at myself.
I sound so negative... I guess I'm just tired. It was a long weekend and I'm still not entirely well. Also I've been trying to get my act together with Finnish writing and keep finding that the language doesn't flow from me naturally. It sounds so forced when I try and write it. It's sad, because no matter how hard I'll write, English will always have that alien aspect to me and I'll never understand the tones of the words fully. The curse of being foreign I guess. Plus I really love my language. It's so fucking beautiful when someone skillful uses it and bends it right. When I knew not of the temptation of english writing (and more importantly fan fiction) my writing was angsty and poetic and it brought a smile to my face. Now it's bare, so barren somehow. I can no longer reach the rich tones I'd once mastered. Truly makes me sad.
I'm gonna keep on trying though, and I'll find that state of mind I used to have while writing. If I'd only get past the beginning, the awkwardness, and a little bit deeper. I wouldn't notice anymore if I got past that. Sigh...
The thing is my mom called me on Thursday, telling me they'd be dropping by the next day as they were on their way to see my grandmother, my only living grandparent. It was also the first time she mentioned that granny's taken a turn for the worse and that at some point the doctor they'd spoken to had gone as far as asking about her opinion on the possible recovery measures. Meaning she was at a really bad state. I didn't initially wanna go and see her, we're not very close and the trip is long and usually very emotionally tiring as well. I don't think I'd have gone with them if it weren't for the convo I had with Gob that same night. I dunno, she cleared my thoughts on the subject, so the next day I just packed my things and went along.
The drive alone is around 5 hours. I get motion sickness when I'm not driving and it was so bright I also had a hammering headache. We went to sleep at my grandmother's house, which is so old they don't even have a shower there, only this freaky sauna that's practically illegal, because the water isn't run out properly (or so I'm told). I got to see my grandmother the next day. She was in the hospital, her memory of the past few weeks practically a blur. She couldn't even walk on her own. Half the time I couldn't make out what she was saying. She did seem happy we were there though. The rest of the weekend I just spent upstairs, making icons (which explains me posting about 400 as soon as I got back), neatly blocking it all out. I saw her on Sunday as well, she was a lot perkier then and we even talked. She asked me how I was doing and I told her.
When we were supposed to leave on Monday I had a fever and right before stepping into the car I had another panic attack. I get those more and more nowadays. One last fall, two this summer (one being the day before my sister's wedding). Apparently the stress and long drives cause it, or then it has got something to do with my migraine as mom explained. I didn't see my grandmother that day, just slept in the car, white as a sheet and anguished. Mom told me she was worse on Monday, that she was weaker, and kept talking about her death and tombstone and all that. When I got home I just fell to the bed. I honestly think it'll be the last time I'm gonna see her.
But onto brighter news. I finally met my second roomie, Suvi. She's studying to become a nurse and seems nice. We haven't talked much yet, due to my illness that drained me pretty much the whole week. There'll be plenty of time for that. Reetta has been really nice though. She's obviously this bohemian sisterly type, who likes to take care of people. I ran into her accidentally when I driving home from the library and she showed me a few short-cuts. She's really nice. I'm almost regretful that we won't be living together for very long, seeing as both she and Suvi will graduate this year.
I'm still pretty anxious about school. Not because of the obvious though, no, it's more because I'll have to drive to school every day with that god awful bicycle. I hate bicycles. I learned to drive at a very late age so my balance is fucked. I can't even drive with just one hand, let alone without both. I guess I'm also a bit jumpy about the whole meeting new people thing. I've sucked at that. ;) But yeah, I'll give it some effort than the last time. Back then I really avoided trying anything, just sat still, listening my Deftones (not even the cool, sultry Deftones but the angry rap Deftones) and staring at my own notes, at myself.
I sound so negative... I guess I'm just tired. It was a long weekend and I'm still not entirely well. Also I've been trying to get my act together with Finnish writing and keep finding that the language doesn't flow from me naturally. It sounds so forced when I try and write it. It's sad, because no matter how hard I'll write, English will always have that alien aspect to me and I'll never understand the tones of the words fully. The curse of being foreign I guess. Plus I really love my language. It's so fucking beautiful when someone skillful uses it and bends it right. When I knew not of the temptation of english writing (and more importantly fan fiction) my writing was angsty and poetic and it brought a smile to my face. Now it's bare, so barren somehow. I can no longer reach the rich tones I'd once mastered. Truly makes me sad.
I'm gonna keep on trying though, and I'll find that state of mind I used to have while writing. If I'd only get past the beginning, the awkwardness, and a little bit deeper. I wouldn't notice anymore if I got past that. Sigh...