Since Myspace Sucks Ass Right Now
I've been forced to write here. It seems like these days when i write on there it's all negative. It's like i can't write when i am having a good day. Just bad days. Today, it hasn't been to bad of a day but when i think about some stuff that is going on it just bums me out to know end. I love my job but it's not paying the bills. That's bumming me out. I want to continue but i am in total limbo right now come September because there isn't many shows. I'm gonna try to get on other production companies but i don't want to be at the very bottom and get fucked through the winter. So i have to find a back up i guess. Something i didn't want to do.
I am trying to save up but in order to do that actually have to catch up on my bills. I don't have that many and i am glad i don't but it's still the point that i can't even start saving. If i end up back where i was doing a shitty dead end job then i will kill myself. I have wasted to much time in my life not knowing what i want. To finally figuring out what i want to just let it slip away. That's the way it's gonna be. I've worked my ass off this summer doing everything under the sun and i am still waiting for something to come out of it. I have done everything asked of me and i'm still waiting on the results and i'm almost afraid they won't come out. It's hard not knowing what is going to happen in the future. I can't really make any plans for anything because i don't know when i may work next.
I need to get out of my mom's house. I just now almost feel like i don't belong there and yeah i don't. I have been there for a year. I try to stay out of the way as much as i can but then that leaves the pugs with them. My mom loves them to death but i think they can be a little much sometimes and i know my step dad loves them too but that same thing. What am i to do you know? I used to feel this real bond with my mom and i felt super close but ever since i moved out it's like the connection was lost.
So i have been listening to the new Keane album pretty much non stop for over a month. There's a couple of songs on there that just kill me everytime i hear them. It's like something that they wrote for me in my situation that i am in. I think it's come at the right time too. It's really hard to figure out my emotions and that album sums up everything i have been going through.
Can i just have 1 day of not thinking about how things could have been if J had not killed himself? If i would have gone to the house that Thursday night, if i had not let it all slip away between me and him, how i could have helped him over in what he was going through? I just wake up everything and think that it all could have been a dream and 1 minute later i find out it's really not. When will that day come that i have closer with this whole situation. Will i wake up one day and not be angry? I doubt that will happen because i have felt like that even before i was with J.
If anyone is sick of reading the same thing every blog here i suggest that you stop reading it. It's going to be a while before anything really becomes right with me. I think if you were in this situation you would be the same way. It's easy to say to get help but when you can't even pay your bills when will you have the money to get help. It's easy to say "Hey you'll get over it, just give it time". Once again if you are in my shoes you are going to ask everyday. "Is today the day?" You can interpet that anyway you see fit.
Anyways i'll spare you all the rest of my sad fucking life for another day.
I am trying to save up but in order to do that actually have to catch up on my bills. I don't have that many and i am glad i don't but it's still the point that i can't even start saving. If i end up back where i was doing a shitty dead end job then i will kill myself. I have wasted to much time in my life not knowing what i want. To finally figuring out what i want to just let it slip away. That's the way it's gonna be. I've worked my ass off this summer doing everything under the sun and i am still waiting for something to come out of it. I have done everything asked of me and i'm still waiting on the results and i'm almost afraid they won't come out. It's hard not knowing what is going to happen in the future. I can't really make any plans for anything because i don't know when i may work next.
I need to get out of my mom's house. I just now almost feel like i don't belong there and yeah i don't. I have been there for a year. I try to stay out of the way as much as i can but then that leaves the pugs with them. My mom loves them to death but i think they can be a little much sometimes and i know my step dad loves them too but that same thing. What am i to do you know? I used to feel this real bond with my mom and i felt super close but ever since i moved out it's like the connection was lost.
So i have been listening to the new Keane album pretty much non stop for over a month. There's a couple of songs on there that just kill me everytime i hear them. It's like something that they wrote for me in my situation that i am in. I think it's come at the right time too. It's really hard to figure out my emotions and that album sums up everything i have been going through.
Can i just have 1 day of not thinking about how things could have been if J had not killed himself? If i would have gone to the house that Thursday night, if i had not let it all slip away between me and him, how i could have helped him over in what he was going through? I just wake up everything and think that it all could have been a dream and 1 minute later i find out it's really not. When will that day come that i have closer with this whole situation. Will i wake up one day and not be angry? I doubt that will happen because i have felt like that even before i was with J.
If anyone is sick of reading the same thing every blog here i suggest that you stop reading it. It's going to be a while before anything really becomes right with me. I think if you were in this situation you would be the same way. It's easy to say to get help but when you can't even pay your bills when will you have the money to get help. It's easy to say "Hey you'll get over it, just give it time". Once again if you are in my shoes you are going to ask everyday. "Is today the day?" You can interpet that anyway you see fit.
Anyways i'll spare you all the rest of my sad fucking life for another day.