"If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"
i'm a huge mess of emotions right now [yeah i know, terra has feelings.. weird, right?] i'm so excited/nervous/happy/devastated and pretty much anything you can think of right now. i'm so psyched about going to germany, but there is so much i'm leaving behind that i have no idea how i'm going to last a year without. i know this upcoming year will be one of the best experiences of my life, but i'm really sad that i will be missing so much here in the states as well. i'm finally at a point in my life where i'm happy with myself, well for the most part anyway. i know i still have issues to work through, but that's also what this trip is partially about. if i would have been going over to germany for a year last year or the year before, there really wouldn't be much that i would be completely devastated about leaving [except for my family and a few select friends]. but now, i have amazing people in my life who i am going to miss beyond belief. i don't even know how i'm going to survive without them. i am so terribly frightened that i am going to be a complete failure next year as well. i know i'll be fine and i'll adjust and get used to everything, but i also keep thinking to myself, what if i don't ever learn to speak german fluently and i just end being the biggest disappointment ever?
but i also think this year is really essential in helping me get past my hurt and to finally heal for good. with everything that has happened to me in my life, especially the obvious 'catastrophic' occurences, i've found that i have completely closed myself off and it's really prevented me from experiencing so much in my life. hopefully by going to a new setting and starting anew, i will learn how to be happy with myself completely, how to stop my destructive behaviors, and how to actually open myself up to people and to *actually* trusting people. i know i hide things very well and very few people in my life actually know the true extent of my scars, but the truth is, i really was very screwed up for a long time and in all honesty still am. i do purposely sabotage anything in my life that i feel can lead to my getting hurt again. which really isn't healthy because there's so much that i don't let myself even make an attempt at.
anyway enough of this, the point is that when i come back in a year, i am going to be a different person. i'm not even going to say hopefully, because the fact is that i am going to make myself deal with my issues and get over them. and as scary as it is, i am going to learn to open myself up to others. and yeah it's pathetic that i have to leave to be able to do this, but it's what i need to do.
so thank you to everyone in my life who has been there for me and who i care about and who cares about me. i appreciate everything and i really hope that i can stay in contact with everyone that is important to me, even though i'm like the suckiest online friend ever. but i am going to make myself actually sit at my computer and send out e-mails and such. i promise.
uhh i'll post my address in germany when i figure out how you are supposed to write it on the letter so that it's easier for everyone.
i'll still be on myspace and facebook & such. you can send me a message on AIM: LiLgutes12 [but remember i'm 6 hours ahead of michigan time.] and my e-mail is tgutes@umich.edu
i hope everyone has a great year, i will miss you [or most of you], and please keep in touch and tell me about your life and what i'm missing :)
but i also think this year is really essential in helping me get past my hurt and to finally heal for good. with everything that has happened to me in my life, especially the obvious 'catastrophic' occurences, i've found that i have completely closed myself off and it's really prevented me from experiencing so much in my life. hopefully by going to a new setting and starting anew, i will learn how to be happy with myself completely, how to stop my destructive behaviors, and how to actually open myself up to people and to *actually* trusting people. i know i hide things very well and very few people in my life actually know the true extent of my scars, but the truth is, i really was very screwed up for a long time and in all honesty still am. i do purposely sabotage anything in my life that i feel can lead to my getting hurt again. which really isn't healthy because there's so much that i don't let myself even make an attempt at.
anyway enough of this, the point is that when i come back in a year, i am going to be a different person. i'm not even going to say hopefully, because the fact is that i am going to make myself deal with my issues and get over them. and as scary as it is, i am going to learn to open myself up to others. and yeah it's pathetic that i have to leave to be able to do this, but it's what i need to do.
so thank you to everyone in my life who has been there for me and who i care about and who cares about me. i appreciate everything and i really hope that i can stay in contact with everyone that is important to me, even though i'm like the suckiest online friend ever. but i am going to make myself actually sit at my computer and send out e-mails and such. i promise.
uhh i'll post my address in germany when i figure out how you are supposed to write it on the letter so that it's easier for everyone.
i'll still be on myspace and facebook & such. you can send me a message on AIM: LiLgutes12 [but remember i'm 6 hours ahead of michigan time.] and my e-mail is tgutes@umich.edu
i hope everyone has a great year, i will miss you [or most of you], and please keep in touch and tell me about your life and what i'm missing :)