Feb 04, 2006 14:20
my bio anthropology book is sitting under my arms right now as i type this. it may or may not be wise to read, as i have 4 chapters of 20-30 pages each due. at least it's interesting, somewhat.
it's strange though, that much of my interest in my classes has faded since last semester. i used to be passionate about what i was learning, excited really. perhaps, i can account my lack of interest on my disillusionment in the future. i suppose disillusionment is a harsh word, but i used to think i knew what i wanted. now i am not so sure. i suppose i've come to realize that i need something to do in my life that will make me feel like all my years of hard work were somehow worth it. that i was able to use my knowledge for the good of others and my own happiness. you're right, some occupations are in dying fields that will soon enough not benefit humanity. my goal: stay away from those, find something/someone that will make you happy, and hold on for your dear life.
[gasp]
i acknowledge that much of my sarcasm is based on bitterness. bitterness for what i'm missing out on, bitterness for what i fear i may fall into, bitterness for the lack of experiences that may change me. i'm not talking about life experiences... i have plenty of those. i'm talking about person-to-person experiences. i suppose that distance can make you (me) realize who really matters, who was worth the time you put into cultivating a friendship with, and who fooled you into believing that you meant something to them. it's easy now to look back and see that had you taken five seconds of introspection, you would have realized this way back then. i have no regrets, however. i am beginning to believe in the idea that relationships must change, even with those people you felt were most faithful to you.
i refused to leave valparaiso for a long time. i could have left earlier, finished my senior year in france had i really wanted to leave. maybe i should have. but the more i think about believing that, the less i do. there are some people, who i thought would make no effort to think about me, even less speak to me, that have surprised me. you, my friends, make it all worth it. i am so very happy, and i think you should know that.
[inhale]
rain. it's wonderful, although not as wonderful in january, but hells... i can take it. snow is good in the winter. it has a way of muting everything, even the city sounds. surprisingly, this season is appropriate for what i need. my walks to class in the morning are many times my favorite part of the day. when i walk alone (which i prefer) i can put the world on hold. music, me, and a little bit of introspection. it's a necessary excuse for lack of speech and work. damien rice, simon and garfunkle, postal service and rain go very well together, by the way.
[cough]
you (know who you are, listing is unnecessary) all made my birthday wonderful. i was expecting a day just like any other, i realized monday that tuesday was my birthday. and yet, it was almost one of the best birthdays i've ever had, regardless of the distance from most of those that i love. a big thank you and a kiss from a distance is all i can give to you for your sheer amazingness.
[exhale]
i'm out of breath now. a good cup of tea is calling me.
love,
perrine