Laying it all out on the line...
Today I woke up and had a rather interesting thought. It dealt with something I've been struggling over for months now and through many sleepless tearful nights. But in order to understand what that thought is, I need to reflect on what's been happening the last few months.
Some people know that the relationship between myself and my parents has been strained over some time. I felt myself growing up and starting off in my own direction and my parents weren't ready to let go of me. I understand why, seeing as how I'm the first born and all. Instead of realizing this fact and trying to accept it for what it was, I pushed back harder against them when they were pushing me not to grow up. It's lead to many fights and arguments, and though I still feel like there will be more of those to come, I can understand now why they will happen.
My financial problems grew steadily worse, beginning when I quit working at Disneyland last year. They began to improve over the summer only to fall back on harder times. This stress caused me to do things I hadn't considered doing in a long time and things I did that I never saw coming. I began to hurt myself again. I didn't cut like the last time I was depressed, but I found opprotunities to cause bodily harm to myself and played them off like accidents as to not raise suspision with anyone. This was done easily at work where I could slice my finger on broken glass that was needed to be cleaned up for example. It also caused me to allow my world to be wrapped up in something that it shouldn't have been. I wasn't true to myself. I allowed myself to get caught up in my friend's world (I shall leave this person nameless) and found myself going places and doing things I never had done before. Some of these things were good lifelong learning experiences, but I took it to an extreme. I closed myself off to the rest of the world, ignoring my truest friends who would have genuinely helped me if they knew something was wrong. I let myself be submissive to this one person and do everything he wanted to do, go everywhere he wanted to go, and hang out with whoever he wanted to hang out with. In the beginning I didn't see a problem with this. A void in my life was temporarily being filled and it was full of false hope and promises. After some time had passed, I began to realize what was happening to our relationship but I chose to ignore it, thinking that my friend would never treat me the way I was being treated because I would never do that to a friend. Instead of being this person's friend, I was more like a personal assistant, and I grew to hate myself for becoming that way.
There were many times over the past few months that I thought about suicide. It's not a new thought for me. Jamie had once stopped me from swallowing a whole bottle of pain killers left over from a car accident. She had helped me through it, but when she left for college, it got harder to find that support without her physically around. Two nights ago I grabbed a box of diet pills and almost took them all. The more I tried to rationalize it in my mind, the more I was brought back to that moment with Jamie, and I couldn't do it. I dropped the box on the floor and cried in my bed for hours.
But then there was this morning, I got out of bed and looked outside. It was a beautiful spring morning. It was warm and cloudless after the rain storms we've had this week. I don't know why, but I decided I was tired of having my life be the way it's been. I'm going to put my life back together the way it was before... It's not going to be easy and it'll be hard, but I'm determined to do it. I began with simply cleaning my bathroom and bedroom. I was tired of the way the bathroom smelled, just because I never had the energy or motivation to clean it regularly. I scoured it today. And I started cleaning the bedroom. That looks like it's going to be a 2-day project, but I'm about a quarter of the way done already.
I really hope I can hold on to this feeling I have now. I think it can be done. I just need to re-organize my life, and allow my friends to come back into my life. I know I can find support... I just need to look in the right places.
Some people know that the relationship between myself and my parents has been strained over some time. I felt myself growing up and starting off in my own direction and my parents weren't ready to let go of me. I understand why, seeing as how I'm the first born and all. Instead of realizing this fact and trying to accept it for what it was, I pushed back harder against them when they were pushing me not to grow up. It's lead to many fights and arguments, and though I still feel like there will be more of those to come, I can understand now why they will happen.
My financial problems grew steadily worse, beginning when I quit working at Disneyland last year. They began to improve over the summer only to fall back on harder times. This stress caused me to do things I hadn't considered doing in a long time and things I did that I never saw coming. I began to hurt myself again. I didn't cut like the last time I was depressed, but I found opprotunities to cause bodily harm to myself and played them off like accidents as to not raise suspision with anyone. This was done easily at work where I could slice my finger on broken glass that was needed to be cleaned up for example. It also caused me to allow my world to be wrapped up in something that it shouldn't have been. I wasn't true to myself. I allowed myself to get caught up in my friend's world (I shall leave this person nameless) and found myself going places and doing things I never had done before. Some of these things were good lifelong learning experiences, but I took it to an extreme. I closed myself off to the rest of the world, ignoring my truest friends who would have genuinely helped me if they knew something was wrong. I let myself be submissive to this one person and do everything he wanted to do, go everywhere he wanted to go, and hang out with whoever he wanted to hang out with. In the beginning I didn't see a problem with this. A void in my life was temporarily being filled and it was full of false hope and promises. After some time had passed, I began to realize what was happening to our relationship but I chose to ignore it, thinking that my friend would never treat me the way I was being treated because I would never do that to a friend. Instead of being this person's friend, I was more like a personal assistant, and I grew to hate myself for becoming that way.
There were many times over the past few months that I thought about suicide. It's not a new thought for me. Jamie had once stopped me from swallowing a whole bottle of pain killers left over from a car accident. She had helped me through it, but when she left for college, it got harder to find that support without her physically around. Two nights ago I grabbed a box of diet pills and almost took them all. The more I tried to rationalize it in my mind, the more I was brought back to that moment with Jamie, and I couldn't do it. I dropped the box on the floor and cried in my bed for hours.
But then there was this morning, I got out of bed and looked outside. It was a beautiful spring morning. It was warm and cloudless after the rain storms we've had this week. I don't know why, but I decided I was tired of having my life be the way it's been. I'm going to put my life back together the way it was before... It's not going to be easy and it'll be hard, but I'm determined to do it. I began with simply cleaning my bathroom and bedroom. I was tired of the way the bathroom smelled, just because I never had the energy or motivation to clean it regularly. I scoured it today. And I started cleaning the bedroom. That looks like it's going to be a 2-day project, but I'm about a quarter of the way done already.
I really hope I can hold on to this feeling I have now. I think it can be done. I just need to re-organize my life, and allow my friends to come back into my life. I know I can find support... I just need to look in the right places.