allow me to explain
I’ve been going through a trying last couple of months...
Recently a friend of mine at work died, and I never really know if I accept death or look past death and transfer it to something more reasonable like someone just moving away. I wonder if I’m healthy and that if in 10 years this will all build up and I will become a head case that will needs a psychiatric rest for 3 years. With a steady 8 funeral under my belt, now would be a good time to find this out. I wasn’t especially close with my friend from work, which maybe in my case makes it easier for me to deal with it. I think what troubles me more is how young she was. She was only 21 and I’m only a couple years off that myself. It really makes you think, that life can be very short and you really don’t know what to expect when life throws this curve ball at you.
There were certain people who I was very close with, and I am no longer close with still or even at all, and although the memories sustain, it’s obviously not the same. I can choose two ways to go along with this. I can either let it go, because people drift apart as they get older. I know I’ve gone through a lot of phases and transformations, so I'm left to wonder, that maybe people aren’t meant to be friends for forever like they claim to be no matter how close they once were. There is a time and a place for everything and maybe these friendships aren’t the time or the place anymore or maybe this is just growing up. It is just saddening knowing something you cared about for years has pretty much dissipated from your life.
Although as we are speaking I am getting older, my life is still considered relatively short, so a couple years is decades in my eyes and decades are my entire life. Are friendships spose to die though? I would assume true friends wouldn’t let something like that happen, so maybe its time to fight the good fight. The thing about that battle is, you don’t always win, and that might be even worse then just letting it go.
In all this growing up, I’ve felt a little left out. Not to say I'm not growing up, but I'm saying while everyone around me has some they really love and I don't, It's kinda lonely on this lily pad. I can honestly say I've never been in love. Then again, I really don't know what love is, however; I think if I’ve experienced it- I would know. People seem fairly confident when they talk and brag about it. I'm not sure what really makes me sad... The fact that I've never been in love, or the fact that I'm not currently in love where all my friends are, or would I even be upset at all if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone around me talks about love till they are blue in the face. Deep down inside I know if I don't like someone, dating someone and saying I love them will not make me feel better. In fact I know that for certain because I've done it myself on numerous occasions with numerous boys. I think if anything I just love the idea of loving someone . You have to admit, no matter how much you are against dating and what not, that the idea of finding someone your completely compatible with is appealing. I really just want someone to toss a frisbee around, play tennis with, bitch about people at work or how our day has been going, someone to hang out with all the time, and not get bored with, or even if it is boring, still be enjoying the company. I spose that’s a friend, so I guess I should add to that someone I can kiss too without having to close my eyes, cringe and pretend it’s over. If you know me, you wouldn’t think that’s so hard, hah, but I might also be making a bigger deal out of it then need be. Hah I'm pretty sure I am. I feel like I’ve settled to many times, and its just made a bigger mess then ever. I’m fairly confident that I am making a 110% by avoiding that again.
I talked to Dan the meat man tonight for the first time in a very long while, I was so happy to hear his voice. He says he’s doing fine, but I can hear in his voice that hes broken up, homesick, among other things. I missed him a lot. He really was a great friend of mine; I just wish I would have realized that before he left for training camp. I think I valued his honesty the most of all, he was very blunt with me. I had friends that were like that but somewhere between now and then, things became clouded and taboo, and I guess it was safer to stay quiet and avoid the truth and drama, then it was to give your friend insight. It's like talking in a funeral home sometimes with people., never quite sure what to say, so sometimes you say nothing. I've always really appreciated honesty, even if I was initially hurt by it. I’m not one to "take hints", things need to be said literally to me, otherwise its like talking to a rock. I seriously would rather someone tell me that they never want to speak to me again or hate me then humor me and talk to me and ignore, or just all of a sudden ignore me. I've had a couple ex-boyfriends do that to me, and that messy too.
I joined an Irish football league in pgh called the screaming banshees, and I'm very excited. The people are really nice; all the girls have cute irish accents, its silly. I feel as though this has been the best decision I’ve made since the time when I decided to stop eating grape jelly and switch to strawberry (a decision, to this day, I stand by). I had my first practice on Sunday, and even though I was sore on Monday, it felt really good. It made me quit smoking for 2 days because the idea of filling my lungs with toxics like that actually, literally, made me ill... It will probably make me quit eventually, that’s fine with me.
My dad called me the "biggest fuck up ever" a couple days ago, and i'm pretty sure that really was a punch to the gut. my one half says hes an asshole, but still the other half gets very upset because he is my dad, and i really dont think i was that terrible of a kid. I make good grades, i'm not an utter idiot, im not morbidly obese, nor do i have a mental illness. I go to work nearly everyday of the week, which is more then he can say for himself. Yea I miss the occasional day of school, but its not like i skip the day to go day drinking, do drugs and have sex. Normally i just catch up on work or sleep, go running, things of that sort. I'm going to college, its only CCAC, but its the "best decision" according to everyone... i just dont know. i do know that my time is dwindling here, and if it continues in the manner that it is, something terrible is going to happen. I really dont want to be apart of it, im kinda sick of being sad about this type of thing.
I was walking home tonight, it was about a quarter till midnight, and I was smoking a cigarette, and there were no cars on cochran, and the road just went on forever and the sky was clear and you could see the stars and the moon. I really am glad its spring, because the fresh air is great. I didn’t think of anything for those 10 minutes it took me to get from giant eagle to my house, and I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so happy to be alive despite all this bullshit, perhaps its really the subconscious circumstances that recently happened, but regardless it was nice breathing for a change.
And on that note I will end my little spat, goodnight. Peace<3chris
Recently a friend of mine at work died, and I never really know if I accept death or look past death and transfer it to something more reasonable like someone just moving away. I wonder if I’m healthy and that if in 10 years this will all build up and I will become a head case that will needs a psychiatric rest for 3 years. With a steady 8 funeral under my belt, now would be a good time to find this out. I wasn’t especially close with my friend from work, which maybe in my case makes it easier for me to deal with it. I think what troubles me more is how young she was. She was only 21 and I’m only a couple years off that myself. It really makes you think, that life can be very short and you really don’t know what to expect when life throws this curve ball at you.
There were certain people who I was very close with, and I am no longer close with still or even at all, and although the memories sustain, it’s obviously not the same. I can choose two ways to go along with this. I can either let it go, because people drift apart as they get older. I know I’ve gone through a lot of phases and transformations, so I'm left to wonder, that maybe people aren’t meant to be friends for forever like they claim to be no matter how close they once were. There is a time and a place for everything and maybe these friendships aren’t the time or the place anymore or maybe this is just growing up. It is just saddening knowing something you cared about for years has pretty much dissipated from your life.
Although as we are speaking I am getting older, my life is still considered relatively short, so a couple years is decades in my eyes and decades are my entire life. Are friendships spose to die though? I would assume true friends wouldn’t let something like that happen, so maybe its time to fight the good fight. The thing about that battle is, you don’t always win, and that might be even worse then just letting it go.
In all this growing up, I’ve felt a little left out. Not to say I'm not growing up, but I'm saying while everyone around me has some they really love and I don't, It's kinda lonely on this lily pad. I can honestly say I've never been in love. Then again, I really don't know what love is, however; I think if I’ve experienced it- I would know. People seem fairly confident when they talk and brag about it. I'm not sure what really makes me sad... The fact that I've never been in love, or the fact that I'm not currently in love where all my friends are, or would I even be upset at all if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone around me talks about love till they are blue in the face. Deep down inside I know if I don't like someone, dating someone and saying I love them will not make me feel better. In fact I know that for certain because I've done it myself on numerous occasions with numerous boys. I think if anything I just love the idea of loving someone . You have to admit, no matter how much you are against dating and what not, that the idea of finding someone your completely compatible with is appealing. I really just want someone to toss a frisbee around, play tennis with, bitch about people at work or how our day has been going, someone to hang out with all the time, and not get bored with, or even if it is boring, still be enjoying the company. I spose that’s a friend, so I guess I should add to that someone I can kiss too without having to close my eyes, cringe and pretend it’s over. If you know me, you wouldn’t think that’s so hard, hah, but I might also be making a bigger deal out of it then need be. Hah I'm pretty sure I am. I feel like I’ve settled to many times, and its just made a bigger mess then ever. I’m fairly confident that I am making a 110% by avoiding that again.
I talked to Dan the meat man tonight for the first time in a very long while, I was so happy to hear his voice. He says he’s doing fine, but I can hear in his voice that hes broken up, homesick, among other things. I missed him a lot. He really was a great friend of mine; I just wish I would have realized that before he left for training camp. I think I valued his honesty the most of all, he was very blunt with me. I had friends that were like that but somewhere between now and then, things became clouded and taboo, and I guess it was safer to stay quiet and avoid the truth and drama, then it was to give your friend insight. It's like talking in a funeral home sometimes with people., never quite sure what to say, so sometimes you say nothing. I've always really appreciated honesty, even if I was initially hurt by it. I’m not one to "take hints", things need to be said literally to me, otherwise its like talking to a rock. I seriously would rather someone tell me that they never want to speak to me again or hate me then humor me and talk to me and ignore, or just all of a sudden ignore me. I've had a couple ex-boyfriends do that to me, and that messy too.
I joined an Irish football league in pgh called the screaming banshees, and I'm very excited. The people are really nice; all the girls have cute irish accents, its silly. I feel as though this has been the best decision I’ve made since the time when I decided to stop eating grape jelly and switch to strawberry (a decision, to this day, I stand by). I had my first practice on Sunday, and even though I was sore on Monday, it felt really good. It made me quit smoking for 2 days because the idea of filling my lungs with toxics like that actually, literally, made me ill... It will probably make me quit eventually, that’s fine with me.
My dad called me the "biggest fuck up ever" a couple days ago, and i'm pretty sure that really was a punch to the gut. my one half says hes an asshole, but still the other half gets very upset because he is my dad, and i really dont think i was that terrible of a kid. I make good grades, i'm not an utter idiot, im not morbidly obese, nor do i have a mental illness. I go to work nearly everyday of the week, which is more then he can say for himself. Yea I miss the occasional day of school, but its not like i skip the day to go day drinking, do drugs and have sex. Normally i just catch up on work or sleep, go running, things of that sort. I'm going to college, its only CCAC, but its the "best decision" according to everyone... i just dont know. i do know that my time is dwindling here, and if it continues in the manner that it is, something terrible is going to happen. I really dont want to be apart of it, im kinda sick of being sad about this type of thing.
I was walking home tonight, it was about a quarter till midnight, and I was smoking a cigarette, and there were no cars on cochran, and the road just went on forever and the sky was clear and you could see the stars and the moon. I really am glad its spring, because the fresh air is great. I didn’t think of anything for those 10 minutes it took me to get from giant eagle to my house, and I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so happy to be alive despite all this bullshit, perhaps its really the subconscious circumstances that recently happened, but regardless it was nice breathing for a change.
And on that note I will end my little spat, goodnight. Peace<3chris