It's hard to find the words...
Where do I start? These past few days I've been...for a lack of better words, bummed. It just seems that what ever could possibly go wrong for me has gone wrong. Maybe not everything, but it's just a feeling I get. It's been two weeks now since I interviewed at Genzyme and I still haven't heard back from them yet. My step-dad works there, and he said that they DO want me, it's just a matter of when they can bring me in. That's nice to know, right? It's nice to know that they want me, but I would rather hear it from Genzyme and not Wes. I don't think it's too hard to send out an e-mail or to make a phone call and say, "Hey, we really liked you, and we want to offer you a postition. However, we don't think we can bring you in at this moment. But we will bring you in. How does that sound?" Maybe I'm just being really really impatient about it all...I don't know. But at least I know that they do want to offer me something. For you kids who don't know what the crap Genzyme is; they're a medical manufacturing company. There are rare cases, where people's bodies cannot produce enzymes. Technically it's a genetic disorder, and Genzyme produces those enzymes so that these people can live a more comfortable life. And they only make 3 of those enzymes for the rare disorders. It'll be great to work there, but as I said before, it's just a matter of time.
But that's not even touching the surface for me.
Right now my biggest problem is...me. Last weekend, which was a really good weekend. I went to two concerts, one was The David Crowder Band with Jon, Heather, Daniel, David, Pat, Sarah, Boppo and Pookie and the other concert was Anberlin, Mae and Motion City Soundtrack with Jon and Julie. Both shows were amazing for different reasons. David Crowder because there were so many people there for the same reason, with one common interest and the other concert was just great to be there with Jon and Julie. I love our 'adventures'. And plus the bands at the show are amazing live. Crazy awesome. The good times didn't stop there. I had church on that Sunday morning, and it was really great. The whole worship time was just filled with energy and just flat out amazing, and the message was really...inspiring. I can't even put it into words.
But like I said, that was the good part. The problem came in on Saturday, between the two great days. I went to my dad's house to see my sister and brother, and my dad too. And he mentioned me interviewing and Genzyme and how he was hurt that I went to Wes' company and not his. He threw it in my face. I spoke up and he shut right up and didn't talk about it again. And when I left he gave me a 100 dollar bill. I said thank you, but part of me wasn't all the grateful. Part of me won't let all the crap he put me through. All the fights, all the therapy, and all of the feeling like it was my fault. Never mind the fact what he did to my mom. Part of me won't forgive him for that and part of me has moved on, but hasn't forgotten.
So I feel like a horrible person for not being really grateful for what he gave me. I feel like he's trying too hard and too late. What about the last 18 years? Am I a horrible person for feeling that way? All of this kind of made me realize that the saying, "Any one can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad", is true. And that I can totally relate to it. He's been my father, but Wes...Wes has been my DAD. And realizing that brings up the whole adoption mess again...I don't know what to do. Anyways, this is getting lengthy and no one probably reads this so I might as well end it. I'll keep posting as far as Genzyme goes, and how it goes when I get it. One thing I can say is that I'm doing it all for her. And you know who she is. And you should know that I'm counting the days until December.
Sorry to any one who attempted to read this and became confused or irritated.
But that's not even touching the surface for me.
Right now my biggest problem is...me. Last weekend, which was a really good weekend. I went to two concerts, one was The David Crowder Band with Jon, Heather, Daniel, David, Pat, Sarah, Boppo and Pookie and the other concert was Anberlin, Mae and Motion City Soundtrack with Jon and Julie. Both shows were amazing for different reasons. David Crowder because there were so many people there for the same reason, with one common interest and the other concert was just great to be there with Jon and Julie. I love our 'adventures'. And plus the bands at the show are amazing live. Crazy awesome. The good times didn't stop there. I had church on that Sunday morning, and it was really great. The whole worship time was just filled with energy and just flat out amazing, and the message was really...inspiring. I can't even put it into words.
But like I said, that was the good part. The problem came in on Saturday, between the two great days. I went to my dad's house to see my sister and brother, and my dad too. And he mentioned me interviewing and Genzyme and how he was hurt that I went to Wes' company and not his. He threw it in my face. I spoke up and he shut right up and didn't talk about it again. And when I left he gave me a 100 dollar bill. I said thank you, but part of me wasn't all the grateful. Part of me won't let all the crap he put me through. All the fights, all the therapy, and all of the feeling like it was my fault. Never mind the fact what he did to my mom. Part of me won't forgive him for that and part of me has moved on, but hasn't forgotten.
So I feel like a horrible person for not being really grateful for what he gave me. I feel like he's trying too hard and too late. What about the last 18 years? Am I a horrible person for feeling that way? All of this kind of made me realize that the saying, "Any one can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad", is true. And that I can totally relate to it. He's been my father, but Wes...Wes has been my DAD. And realizing that brings up the whole adoption mess again...I don't know what to do. Anyways, this is getting lengthy and no one probably reads this so I might as well end it. I'll keep posting as far as Genzyme goes, and how it goes when I get it. One thing I can say is that I'm doing it all for her. And you know who she is. And you should know that I'm counting the days until December.
Sorry to any one who attempted to read this and became confused or irritated.