reflection of this moment
when i look back at my life i notice something about the social relationships i've been involved in
of course there are the friends i've had forever a.k.a. trisha and others like him
but as i moved from teen to adult there was a certain level of... idk... fuckery?
involved in every social interaction
i am, of course, discussing the group of friends i had that made the transition from child to adult with.
they were always negative and always talking shit. they judged others very harshly and forgot to turn the mirror back on themselves
they would exile people from their group periodically and i can't remember a time that all members of that particular friends group were all friends at the same time. it just simply did not happen.
this dynamic was extremely unhealthy and lead to a weird vortex of neediness that i think lasts into the present. it's a little unsettling to see the co-dependance of their lives at this point. they get drunk all the time and pat each other on the back for fuckery inside and outside of the group.
my tolerance of this lifestyle (i'm ashamed to admit) only reached a boiling point when my life crumbled around me and i was left with nothing to live for. at this point i analyzed my friendships and determined which ones were worthwhile and which ones weren't. i came to the conclusion that all relationships worth saving would have to be determined not just by me but also by the other people, and over the past year and a half i've eliminated emotional bonds to a number of, to put it delicately, dead branches of my life.
i decided to not allow myself to care about the people who didn't care enough about me to reach out to me in my time of need. that may sound selfish and unfair, but let's be real about it.... any vendetta carried out by a certain so and so upon my life was selfish and unfair and those who participated have lost my favor forever.
even some very fundamental friendships crumbled in that time period and i don't think i will ever care about those particular people again. at least not to the same capacity.
the last time i was in madison i feel like i truly solidified the idea in my head that i have about 9 good friends. if you're reading this and wondering if you're one of them... well... i don't know what to tell you because if you have to wonder you probably aren't.
moving on to my present situation, i find that group dynamic i loathed repeating itself on a smaller scale. having dealt with all the fuckery before i have been fervently trying to avoid it. i have about 5 friends here whom i love dearly but i simply cannot trust or feel too attached to because i see the never-ending carousel of hatred, alcoholism and low self-esteem as the driving force in their friendships. i feel so blessed to have my other friends who are involved in my blossoming drag career and also in my boy life. they care about me and take care of me like i really am their family. the feeling of family was so lost to me i almost didn't recognize it. i couldn't be happier with my new life and i am so glad my friends were so shitty in the past to allow me this moment of clarity and true happiness. it's like i always say, if you live in the shadows you can truly appreciate the light. my art is suffering from all of this but honestly, without the pain to fuel my art, i don't need it anyways. the visual arts and piano were always a tool i used to decompress and try to control the boiling emotions of pain sadness and suicide. not having the desire to pick up a sharpie or pound on my keyboard is one of the most liberating experiences i've ever felt. they were shackles to the sadness of my former life. now i can truly say i'm free.
of course there are the friends i've had forever a.k.a. trisha and others like him
but as i moved from teen to adult there was a certain level of... idk... fuckery?
involved in every social interaction
i am, of course, discussing the group of friends i had that made the transition from child to adult with.
they were always negative and always talking shit. they judged others very harshly and forgot to turn the mirror back on themselves
they would exile people from their group periodically and i can't remember a time that all members of that particular friends group were all friends at the same time. it just simply did not happen.
this dynamic was extremely unhealthy and lead to a weird vortex of neediness that i think lasts into the present. it's a little unsettling to see the co-dependance of their lives at this point. they get drunk all the time and pat each other on the back for fuckery inside and outside of the group.
my tolerance of this lifestyle (i'm ashamed to admit) only reached a boiling point when my life crumbled around me and i was left with nothing to live for. at this point i analyzed my friendships and determined which ones were worthwhile and which ones weren't. i came to the conclusion that all relationships worth saving would have to be determined not just by me but also by the other people, and over the past year and a half i've eliminated emotional bonds to a number of, to put it delicately, dead branches of my life.
i decided to not allow myself to care about the people who didn't care enough about me to reach out to me in my time of need. that may sound selfish and unfair, but let's be real about it.... any vendetta carried out by a certain so and so upon my life was selfish and unfair and those who participated have lost my favor forever.
even some very fundamental friendships crumbled in that time period and i don't think i will ever care about those particular people again. at least not to the same capacity.
the last time i was in madison i feel like i truly solidified the idea in my head that i have about 9 good friends. if you're reading this and wondering if you're one of them... well... i don't know what to tell you because if you have to wonder you probably aren't.
moving on to my present situation, i find that group dynamic i loathed repeating itself on a smaller scale. having dealt with all the fuckery before i have been fervently trying to avoid it. i have about 5 friends here whom i love dearly but i simply cannot trust or feel too attached to because i see the never-ending carousel of hatred, alcoholism and low self-esteem as the driving force in their friendships. i feel so blessed to have my other friends who are involved in my blossoming drag career and also in my boy life. they care about me and take care of me like i really am their family. the feeling of family was so lost to me i almost didn't recognize it. i couldn't be happier with my new life and i am so glad my friends were so shitty in the past to allow me this moment of clarity and true happiness. it's like i always say, if you live in the shadows you can truly appreciate the light. my art is suffering from all of this but honestly, without the pain to fuel my art, i don't need it anyways. the visual arts and piano were always a tool i used to decompress and try to control the boiling emotions of pain sadness and suicide. not having the desire to pick up a sharpie or pound on my keyboard is one of the most liberating experiences i've ever felt. they were shackles to the sadness of my former life. now i can truly say i'm free.