(no subject)
Well, i finally figured out my feelings about Chris, and his gal pal "Carla"
Overall, i don't think i'm happy that he's with this girl. I mean, i wish it wasn't so. But i've realized why i am so bugged by it. Not so much that i like Chris, as more than just a friend, but because him having this girl around, denies ME of MY time. It's a tad selfish i know, but i can' t help but feel that way.
I guess deep down, i do wish that me and chris could be more than just friends. And beyond me feeling like the spotlight isn't on me, i know that a little inkling of me wishes that he'd look at me as something more than just the friend that he bluntly opens up to (in every sense of the word) and just happens to be a girl. But that's the problem with having guy friends.
With girls, you get cattiness and fights. Emotional arguments and so forth, pointless shit that many times can be avoided, and girls just blow it out of proportion. But with guys, this is it's drawback... They don't come with such baggage as girls do, but in the end, there's always that moment, that they will find someone that they become interested in, and the attention no longer is on us (girls/friiends) and you either feel jealous, or think, "well, i'm a girl, you got to know me... What's wrong with this girl that you've shared so much with, and i know i'm reasonable goodlooking... What's wrong WITH ME!?!?!?!?!". And that's the overall problem with it.
The odd thing is Chris, is beyond complicated, and i've been saying since day one, that i'd never want to be with him in a relationship. Because i find it hard enough already as a friend, nevermind being more than that. But, at the same time, he's amusing to me... unique... or intriguing. I don't know what it is... When i first met him, he found it funny that even after awhile of knowing him, i couldn't really say "well, this is chris... he's like this... and so and so". I couldn't pin point what made Chris "Chris". As wierd as that might sound. To me, he was a whole new type of character... a type, i've never in my life came across. So, from day one, i was hooked on this guy. Even if then the feelings were just for finding out what he was about or who he was.
Never in my mind did i think things would have progressed to the point they did, or that i'd be here talking about having "feelings" for him. I mean, i know i care for the guy, no doubt. But i never thought it'd take on this strongly.
I was telling Melinda the other night, that i had no idea why on earth i like this guy, or why am i jealous to begin with. I told her, "he's not even my 'type' the usual 'blonde/blue eyed' guys i go for... this is just strange" Her respnse was ... "well, you KNOW him... really know him, so it's a whole different kind of attraction, it's much stronger than a physical one." And that made perfect sense... because that's exactly it. God only knows Chris isn't no Brad Pitt *sigh* and he's not much taller than me lol... But, even so.... here i am writting about how i am hoping that things will turn around, to what i want them to be.
One thing though... is that i've acceptet that he's dating this girl. Because in my gut, i know that it won't last. She's known Chris for a week and Thrusday morning she was already giving him "the goods" ... yes... he told me. I mean, not only that disgusts me, i mean it nearly turns me into the biggest femminist. Why do girls act like this?!?!?! See, now Chris knows he'd never get that easy with me. But then again, i like being that way. I have morals, and i won't bend them for anybody.
So not only has this girl screwed him already... But she's claiming that he's "perfect" to her. And we are talking about the same guy that i coudln't "figure out" for months... and she's already has him down pact ... Sounds kind of doubtful to me. Besides, the way i see it is she's just in the first thrills of getting to know someone new... i know them well, i've been there many times. But people's true colours come out eventually, and you gotta be able to learn to maintain relationships.... Gotta learn to agree to disagree.
So the chances of this lasting are very fleeting... what is there after sex??!?!?! I mean, i don't event think there was any foreplay. Besides soon enough, i bet Chris will get bored, like any guy will... something will show up. I sound like a bitter ex girlfriend or something lol... and maybe i do, but ... i don't know... i care for this guy... why can't he see that?!?!?! :o(
I know the problem here... if i feel like this, i should tell him. Well, i would, but the time is not now when he's with someone, and like Katie said, "Don't expect things to not be awkward"... And i know if i told them, they would be, and on top of it too, i know that the little chemistry that we have going, would be destroyed and there would be no turning back. Plus, he's with this girl now, could i find a worst time to tell him my true feelings?!?!?!
Overall, i just care for chris a lot, he warms my heart :o( no matter how corny that sounds.
Last night he called me, because he's known that i haven't had a great couple of weeks. At first i thought it was my sister. She had just left for upstairs to head to sleep, and usually she'll call from her phone upstairs telling me not to "touch her alarm". So i thought it was her. I was finishing checkign my mail, and he wasn't online of course. Except i wasn't too heartbroken about it really. I knew he was with her, and like i said, i have started to accept this and i know it's in God's hands i don't even have to do anything to sabotage this whole relationship.Speaking of "sabotaging" the relationship... It's funny because he'll ask me, what she means by saying this, and that... and at first i was tempted to say things that ...well, weren't what she was trying to say. But i thought... you know, if it's meant to be it'll be ... it's up to God... So i was honest all the way. I know it in my gut that this won't last.
Anyhow... so i was almost getting offline, it was around 1:30AM and i thought... "I have work tomorrow, i better be going". And so my phone starts ringing, and of course i'm thinking it's my sister Marlene, but i look, and it's him.
At first i thought better not pick up, i was a little mad at him, for sort of neglecting me for the past week, but my heart gave in and i picked up. So i was on the phone with him til 3AM... and it was a good conversation. I missed hearing his voice, it had been awhile :o(
Of course he mentioned "Her"... but, i'll hold on, and i'll wait to see how it'll turn out. Of course, i don't know how long i can wait...:o( so things better be changing quickly... I hope :o(
Holding a good thought for you... Liliana
