eh.
I don’t really have too much to say but I’m bored lol
I got a lot of important shit coming up. I got to go to the doctor this coming Tuesday then next Tuesday I go to the dentist and next Monday I got court.
So lets go over them shall we *I have nothing better to do lol*
Doctor- for my leg. Since about may both my calves have been cramped. Like 24/7 I have cramps in my legs. They never stop or slightly loosen so I guess I should like, see why. Also if I try to stretch them I get a crazy intense Charlie horse. Like so painful I cant walk for about 48 hours. And like if I try to rub them it feels like..I dunno it feels weird to me. Like lumpy. There both super super hard all the time and I cant really stretch which is super annoying. Plus I get mussel spasm in them like 3 times a day. So yeah. After 3 months of this shit, doctor.
Dentist- my one tooth, the last molar on my left side had been bugging me for about a year. A while back, right before disney I got a temp filling, when I say got I mean the dr. just started doing it without my consent and then when I started asking about it he made me cry. So I didn’t wanna go back. Now it hurts so bad I gotta do something, so that’s coming out of my face. I’m just goina be an asshole and not like let them do anything until they promise to pull it.
Court- LOLZ. Okay so I was sexually assaulted by patricks good friend. After this frankly my b/f kidnapped me and forced me to go to a dinner so he could eat. I get it, he was really drunk wanted to sober up but I will always be pissed off about it. I asked to go home. He said no. I asked to wait in the car. He said no. he then ended up being pulled into a fight with a bunch of fucking frat boys where he decided the best idea to...”show them” was to key his own car hood.
A funny thing happens after a guy says those magic words “your hips arent saying no” (yes he said that) when you go out in public not a half hour after that it feels like EVERYONE knows. They don’t. they cant. But some how every fucking eye is looking at you trying to decide if it’s your fault. That does something to a person. So when the one person you can find comfort in is busy throwing every object in sight screaming and drawing attention to you forcing people to notice you, forcing people to focus on the fact you have victim and or slut tattoo on your forehead. So I had to fucking leave.
I don’t think I ever truly understood what the term flight or fight meant before. I’ve been very scared before. I’ve been very mad before but I’ve never felt a primal need to get away from something at any cost. It was really like being an animal….heres how it happened starting at the moment Patrick walked into the dinner. Quotes maybe wrong it’s been a while and I was barely able to think:
Patrick “FUCKING REDNECK PEACE OF SHIT” *throws keys to the ground*
Owner/waiter/person: “is everything okay?”
Patrick: “NO”
Me: *nods head slightly*
At this point Patrick and owner waiter guy talked about…something. I swear to god for about 40 seconds after he threw his keys I only heard sounds, no words. So my next almost clear memory is at the table
We sit down. I remember looking at the menu and the first thing I saw was a bagel so I started repeating “bagel and an ice tea” over and over in my head waiting for the noise to pause long enough that it seemed to be my turn to speak. Patrick slammed the table and stood up. I wish to Christ I knew what he said because he doesn’t even remember going to the table. So the owner guy thing comes over
Owner guy thing :”everything okay?”
Me “call me a cab.”
Patrick *noises*
Owner guy thing *noises and seems to want me to follow him*
So I follow that guy but Patrick comes up next to me and starts screaming, once again you could offer me million of billion of dollars I cant tell you a single word he said. I remember stopping in front of the cake display with plans to say “please let me go we will talk at home” I don’t know if I even said anything because all I heard was random white noise, like the whole room was under water. Patrick took a slight step toward me, I think and that’s when it set it. I couldn’t run. I was cornered I had to fight.
So I hit him. Not crazy hard. As I did this a scene played out in my head….lets see that…
Me: *hits Patrick* stop it! Just fucking stop it okay?!
Patrick *in shock* what?
Me: I have to go I have to. Gimmie your address I will meet you there okay?
Patrick *pissed* FINE.
*he gives me his address I get home he gets home…somehow lol when he does I cry about what has happened to me he apologizes for being a prick and we deal*
Still stressful but I think that’s a reasonable thing to think would happen. This is a guy who does everything but set himself aflame to show me he loves me….so this is what really happened…
Me: *slaps Patrick then starts to say above things*
Patrick *slaps me*
Me: *slaps him way harder. Hard enough to knock out an earring and his glasses putting a crack in them*
Patrick *starts to push me into the cake display*
*we get pulled apart*
He says he pulled his slap and I believe him. I don’t think he pulled back as much as he thinks. It didn’t leave a mark for long but it fucking hurt the rest of the night. Oh and did a mention ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE WATCHING THIS GO DOWN? I’ve been in a few fights with b/f. I don’t give a shit about violence. Shit ed almost broke my wrist once. But you do that shit AT HOME.
I don’t care that he hit me.
I fucking don’t care.
I care that this happened because a half an hour ago his friend, at a party I wasn’t crazy about going to, try to fucking rape me. I was rather vulnerable. All I wanted was to go the fuck home. Get in bed and cry on my b/f chest until the sun came up then sleep most of the day and maybe get fucking ice cream because I’m 10 and it makes me feel better.
So at this point I’m 10 seconds away from walking home and taking my chances with hitch hiking. But the cab was already called. Of course I have no fucking idea where I’m going so I can only say riverside. But no way I can pay for that. So I decided that when the cab comes I’ll just say Williamstown and if worse comes to worse I’ll have him drop me by the 7/11. While this is hitting me, owner cashier whatever man comes over to me the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard
PATRICK WANTS TO CALL THE COPS.
that’s right. The dinner was goina let this go. They saw a drunk young couple and thought “oh they weren’t that bad and there both okay now, lets leave it be…
NO.
PATRICK WANTS TO CALL THE COPS.
Just so you really REALLY understand this…a man who just hit a woman in front of a huge dinner WANTS police.
So I think I said something like “please don’t.” but the guy walked away. I cant leave. I need this cab. I don’t have a way home. So I have to sit and wait. I look over now and then and see Patrick. He looks…okay. Like he’s calming down. Getting sober. So…yay. The cop comes over and asks…something lol I was underwater again. I know I said “I just wanna go home” like 3 or 4 times lol.
So cab came. I go to his house. He calls, he’s on his way home. He;s safe. Everyone is safe. They let him drive home. He pulls up. My very first thougth is “oh my god. I can be sad now” he seemed calm. Then he opened his face.
“whats my name?”
I’ll spare you all the details of this because this has gotten very long lol and it’s more personal. Cliffnotes:
-he was still insane
-he was still scaring the fuck out of me
- he didn’t stop cry-laughing for a good hour
- at one point I asked kitty if I should called the hospital
This brings me to another very bitter moment for me. I was sexually assaulted. Okay? This is a fact. A man touched me without my permission and when I asked him to stop he would not. Sexually assaulted. And I almost had to call a hospital for my BOYFREIND.
I know. I really do fully understand people arent always in control of there emotions. I’ve been there. But. I needed him. I needed him in a way, I pray to every god, I never need him again. There was no single moment in our lives where he could prove his love to me more. The man I call prince Santacorn could have LITAULY been my white knight. He could have kicked the guys ass. He could of held me and let me cry endless fucking waves. What he did was have a nervous breakdown on me.
Again. I get it. I do but FUCKING HOLY HELL. I didn’t get to deal with what happened to me at all, until the next morning. I didn’t get to cry about being SEXUALLY ASSULTED for 24 hours because my boyfriend lost his god damn mind.
….
Anyhow lol.
Yeah we got summons. Lol.
So next Monday, not this one but the following I get to tell that story AGAIN to a room full of fucking people who are there to LITAULY judge me. Well…one guy is lol. STILL
Point is the fucking dinner was goina let it slide. It was 3 30am. We didn’t break anything. We both want to leave. Fine whatever it’s over.
Patrick called the police. Patrick is the reason I have to go to court.
It hurts. a lot. I’ve never had to deal with cops. And I know it’s not a super big deal, maybe $100 fine but that isn’t the point. The point is Patrick is the one who called the cops on us.
Just to be very very very VERY clear.
I use to beat the living hell out of ed toward the end of the relationship. I mean wrapping belts around his neck, slapping him, ripping at his skin trying to push his neck into the edge of the end table, real shit. I feel like compete shit for the things I did to him even if he did treat me like shit himself. Like one time I had a blanket or something inside his mouth and had my hand covering his nose and I know I was talking but all I remember was the look in his eyes while his face changed color slightly. And even before he did anything wrong, this one time I jut hit him until he cried. so could see him cry. That was the sole reason. Up to the end nothing made me feel better stronger smarter and sexier then seeing him cry.
On this subject.
About 3 months? 4 months? I kinda forget me and Patrick were talking about his dad. And he started to cry. This was an odd moment for me. I started to get the rush but it died. Kinda like…when you first wake up in the morning and feel great but 10 seconds later you fell back asleep. I fucking hated it. Like it hurt. It hurt really bad seeing him cry. I’ve seen him cry a lot. We’re both very very emotional lol. And every time it hurts.
I love him. More then I ever imagined. That night. It almost made me give it all up. I was very close to kicking him out of my room, he was very close to leaving my room when we talked about it. We both wanted to give up. But we didn’t.
Oh lol this is so burying the lead but also…he’s Patrick. Like staying a man. I even finally broke down and told him I don’t want him to be a girl and his reaction was “ I don’t wanna be” so. Yeah. Lol. My dumb lil dream is still a possibility. At this age highly unlikely but it COULD happen….
I’m pretty sure it’s goina happen someday somehow anyway lol.
I got a lot of important shit coming up. I got to go to the doctor this coming Tuesday then next Tuesday I go to the dentist and next Monday I got court.
So lets go over them shall we *I have nothing better to do lol*
Doctor- for my leg. Since about may both my calves have been cramped. Like 24/7 I have cramps in my legs. They never stop or slightly loosen so I guess I should like, see why. Also if I try to stretch them I get a crazy intense Charlie horse. Like so painful I cant walk for about 48 hours. And like if I try to rub them it feels like..I dunno it feels weird to me. Like lumpy. There both super super hard all the time and I cant really stretch which is super annoying. Plus I get mussel spasm in them like 3 times a day. So yeah. After 3 months of this shit, doctor.
Dentist- my one tooth, the last molar on my left side had been bugging me for about a year. A while back, right before disney I got a temp filling, when I say got I mean the dr. just started doing it without my consent and then when I started asking about it he made me cry. So I didn’t wanna go back. Now it hurts so bad I gotta do something, so that’s coming out of my face. I’m just goina be an asshole and not like let them do anything until they promise to pull it.
Court- LOLZ. Okay so I was sexually assaulted by patricks good friend. After this frankly my b/f kidnapped me and forced me to go to a dinner so he could eat. I get it, he was really drunk wanted to sober up but I will always be pissed off about it. I asked to go home. He said no. I asked to wait in the car. He said no. he then ended up being pulled into a fight with a bunch of fucking frat boys where he decided the best idea to...”show them” was to key his own car hood.
A funny thing happens after a guy says those magic words “your hips arent saying no” (yes he said that) when you go out in public not a half hour after that it feels like EVERYONE knows. They don’t. they cant. But some how every fucking eye is looking at you trying to decide if it’s your fault. That does something to a person. So when the one person you can find comfort in is busy throwing every object in sight screaming and drawing attention to you forcing people to notice you, forcing people to focus on the fact you have victim and or slut tattoo on your forehead. So I had to fucking leave.
I don’t think I ever truly understood what the term flight or fight meant before. I’ve been very scared before. I’ve been very mad before but I’ve never felt a primal need to get away from something at any cost. It was really like being an animal….heres how it happened starting at the moment Patrick walked into the dinner. Quotes maybe wrong it’s been a while and I was barely able to think:
Patrick “FUCKING REDNECK PEACE OF SHIT” *throws keys to the ground*
Owner/waiter/person: “is everything okay?”
Patrick: “NO”
Me: *nods head slightly*
At this point Patrick and owner waiter guy talked about…something. I swear to god for about 40 seconds after he threw his keys I only heard sounds, no words. So my next almost clear memory is at the table
We sit down. I remember looking at the menu and the first thing I saw was a bagel so I started repeating “bagel and an ice tea” over and over in my head waiting for the noise to pause long enough that it seemed to be my turn to speak. Patrick slammed the table and stood up. I wish to Christ I knew what he said because he doesn’t even remember going to the table. So the owner guy thing comes over
Owner guy thing :”everything okay?”
Me “call me a cab.”
Patrick *noises*
Owner guy thing *noises and seems to want me to follow him*
So I follow that guy but Patrick comes up next to me and starts screaming, once again you could offer me million of billion of dollars I cant tell you a single word he said. I remember stopping in front of the cake display with plans to say “please let me go we will talk at home” I don’t know if I even said anything because all I heard was random white noise, like the whole room was under water. Patrick took a slight step toward me, I think and that’s when it set it. I couldn’t run. I was cornered I had to fight.
So I hit him. Not crazy hard. As I did this a scene played out in my head….lets see that…
Me: *hits Patrick* stop it! Just fucking stop it okay?!
Patrick *in shock* what?
Me: I have to go I have to. Gimmie your address I will meet you there okay?
Patrick *pissed* FINE.
*he gives me his address I get home he gets home…somehow lol when he does I cry about what has happened to me he apologizes for being a prick and we deal*
Still stressful but I think that’s a reasonable thing to think would happen. This is a guy who does everything but set himself aflame to show me he loves me….so this is what really happened…
Me: *slaps Patrick then starts to say above things*
Patrick *slaps me*
Me: *slaps him way harder. Hard enough to knock out an earring and his glasses putting a crack in them*
Patrick *starts to push me into the cake display*
*we get pulled apart*
He says he pulled his slap and I believe him. I don’t think he pulled back as much as he thinks. It didn’t leave a mark for long but it fucking hurt the rest of the night. Oh and did a mention ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE WATCHING THIS GO DOWN? I’ve been in a few fights with b/f. I don’t give a shit about violence. Shit ed almost broke my wrist once. But you do that shit AT HOME.
I don’t care that he hit me.
I fucking don’t care.
I care that this happened because a half an hour ago his friend, at a party I wasn’t crazy about going to, try to fucking rape me. I was rather vulnerable. All I wanted was to go the fuck home. Get in bed and cry on my b/f chest until the sun came up then sleep most of the day and maybe get fucking ice cream because I’m 10 and it makes me feel better.
So at this point I’m 10 seconds away from walking home and taking my chances with hitch hiking. But the cab was already called. Of course I have no fucking idea where I’m going so I can only say riverside. But no way I can pay for that. So I decided that when the cab comes I’ll just say Williamstown and if worse comes to worse I’ll have him drop me by the 7/11. While this is hitting me, owner cashier whatever man comes over to me the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard
PATRICK WANTS TO CALL THE COPS.
that’s right. The dinner was goina let this go. They saw a drunk young couple and thought “oh they weren’t that bad and there both okay now, lets leave it be…
NO.
PATRICK WANTS TO CALL THE COPS.
Just so you really REALLY understand this…a man who just hit a woman in front of a huge dinner WANTS police.
So I think I said something like “please don’t.” but the guy walked away. I cant leave. I need this cab. I don’t have a way home. So I have to sit and wait. I look over now and then and see Patrick. He looks…okay. Like he’s calming down. Getting sober. So…yay. The cop comes over and asks…something lol I was underwater again. I know I said “I just wanna go home” like 3 or 4 times lol.
So cab came. I go to his house. He calls, he’s on his way home. He;s safe. Everyone is safe. They let him drive home. He pulls up. My very first thougth is “oh my god. I can be sad now” he seemed calm. Then he opened his face.
“whats my name?”
I’ll spare you all the details of this because this has gotten very long lol and it’s more personal. Cliffnotes:
-he was still insane
-he was still scaring the fuck out of me
- he didn’t stop cry-laughing for a good hour
- at one point I asked kitty if I should called the hospital
This brings me to another very bitter moment for me. I was sexually assaulted. Okay? This is a fact. A man touched me without my permission and when I asked him to stop he would not. Sexually assaulted. And I almost had to call a hospital for my BOYFREIND.
I know. I really do fully understand people arent always in control of there emotions. I’ve been there. But. I needed him. I needed him in a way, I pray to every god, I never need him again. There was no single moment in our lives where he could prove his love to me more. The man I call prince Santacorn could have LITAULY been my white knight. He could have kicked the guys ass. He could of held me and let me cry endless fucking waves. What he did was have a nervous breakdown on me.
Again. I get it. I do but FUCKING HOLY HELL. I didn’t get to deal with what happened to me at all, until the next morning. I didn’t get to cry about being SEXUALLY ASSULTED for 24 hours because my boyfriend lost his god damn mind.
….
Anyhow lol.
Yeah we got summons. Lol.
So next Monday, not this one but the following I get to tell that story AGAIN to a room full of fucking people who are there to LITAULY judge me. Well…one guy is lol. STILL
Point is the fucking dinner was goina let it slide. It was 3 30am. We didn’t break anything. We both want to leave. Fine whatever it’s over.
Patrick called the police. Patrick is the reason I have to go to court.
It hurts. a lot. I’ve never had to deal with cops. And I know it’s not a super big deal, maybe $100 fine but that isn’t the point. The point is Patrick is the one who called the cops on us.
Just to be very very very VERY clear.
I use to beat the living hell out of ed toward the end of the relationship. I mean wrapping belts around his neck, slapping him, ripping at his skin trying to push his neck into the edge of the end table, real shit. I feel like compete shit for the things I did to him even if he did treat me like shit himself. Like one time I had a blanket or something inside his mouth and had my hand covering his nose and I know I was talking but all I remember was the look in his eyes while his face changed color slightly. And even before he did anything wrong, this one time I jut hit him until he cried. so could see him cry. That was the sole reason. Up to the end nothing made me feel better stronger smarter and sexier then seeing him cry.
On this subject.
About 3 months? 4 months? I kinda forget me and Patrick were talking about his dad. And he started to cry. This was an odd moment for me. I started to get the rush but it died. Kinda like…when you first wake up in the morning and feel great but 10 seconds later you fell back asleep. I fucking hated it. Like it hurt. It hurt really bad seeing him cry. I’ve seen him cry a lot. We’re both very very emotional lol. And every time it hurts.
I love him. More then I ever imagined. That night. It almost made me give it all up. I was very close to kicking him out of my room, he was very close to leaving my room when we talked about it. We both wanted to give up. But we didn’t.
Oh lol this is so burying the lead but also…he’s Patrick. Like staying a man. I even finally broke down and told him I don’t want him to be a girl and his reaction was “ I don’t wanna be” so. Yeah. Lol. My dumb lil dream is still a possibility. At this age highly unlikely but it COULD happen….
I’m pretty sure it’s goina happen someday somehow anyway lol.