Brother Of Mine (Chapter 10)
++Kazu++
I think growing up is a process that we all grow through, even if we’re already adults. That’s something that I have truly learnt in the past few weeks. To grow up and stop acting like a child… that’s one thin I have learnt about myself. And I found that once you’ve taken the first step, it’s not so hard anymore to take the subsequent steps.
The phone didn’t ring through long when she picked it up and there was a moment of silence. It’s funny how that silence between us used to be so uneasy but with one person’s help it had quickly turned into one of simple slight misgiving perhaps, even understanding.
“Hello,” I said finally.
“Hello,” she replied.
“Are you free this afternoon?”
“Sure.”
“Would you like to go out for a drink?”
“Would I?”
“I think you would.”
“Then I guess I would.”
-------
There is nothing wrong with taking small steps. That was another thing that his brother had taught him. A life long lesson which he had not learnt until now. For him before, everything had to be done grandly, had to be done right. Top in school, top in sports, the most prestigious law school, the most prestigious firm… everything had to be grand, everything had to be right. But his aniki… his aniki had never felt that necessity.
Everything that Jun-ni had done in his life had been small steps. Small but sure steps in order to achieve his dreams… and such grand dreams they were. Not just in his career as a photographer, but in a greater dream to see happiness for his family. So why had he, Kazu, not learn from that?
“Been waiting long?”
Learn to appreciate the small things.
Like learning to appreciate the time spent together instead of expecting it to be a perfect marriage, or expecting her to be more than human and yet insist she accept all his flaws?
“No,” he smiled at his wife who sat down at the table across from him, “I just got here.”
“I’m surprise you actually have the time to come out. Last I heard your firm was taking on that huge merger deal.”
“I think I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing wrong with NOT being ahead of my readings for once and to just have enough to catch up.”
“That’s a change.”
“I thought that was what we agreed on. Trying to change?”
She laughed, putting her hands on the table, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
Kazu found himself half mesmerized with the woman he knew so well but a woman he needed to get to know again. Reaching across the table, he placed his hands over hers, not able to lift his eyes to meet his wife. Here they were second year into their marriage and he felt as though he was going out with his wife for the first time. He felt the soft pressure of her other hand covering his and they both looked at one another before starting to laugh.
Ah… that was something else he had forgotten about too… the laughter…
Jun-ni… why is it that sometimes we need to be constantly reminded about the best things in life?
“How’s your family doing?” Meisa asked him, “Neh Kazu… I don’t mean to be nosy but is Jun-ni alright?”
His brows furrowed when he heard his wife’s question, “Why… do you ask?”
“Well, it’s just that when he came to see me… he didn’t look so well.”
This time Kazu sighed, running a hand over his face. Who did Jun-ni think he’s fooling? Everyone could see that there was something wrong with him.
“You know, his little plan of trying to get us to see one another… it’s a little childish isn’t it? Sending me breakfast in your name.”
“He sent it once, the second time I did send it myself,” Meisa smiled.
“Ah…”
“Did you like it?”
“I did. Thank you.”
“So?”
“So?”
“So what are we going to do about that childish aniue of yours?”
“I really don’t know. But something tells me we might have to be as childish as him.”
-------
++Ryo++
There is no way I would have done this just one week ago. It’s amazing that truly what one needs to do is take the first step and I have definitely taken the first step when I blurted out the fact that I loved her just that day. I must have read her text message at least twenty times before I could bring myself to believe it - that she would actually ask me if I would meet her.
I had truly believed that she wouldn’t want to see me anymore after that seriously awkward moment at the bar. It was that thought which I had playing in my head when she walked into the bar and I was trying my damnest to act natural only to have her stand at the doorway, staring at me as though I was a two headed alien.
“E…rika…” I finally managed to stammer.
That was when she ran across the bar, throwing her arms around my neck as she embraced me suddenly. I must have frozen with shock, not really knowing how to react until she told me, “Baka. Ryo you baka. HUG me.”
I am a baka.
But when I wrapped my arms around her I suddenly found that I didn’t care. The world suddenly seemed to make sense and I found myself pulling back just a little to look at her face. How could I have lived all these years of my life void of her embrace?
And those lips…
I didn’t need to have her tell me I’m a baka one more time because I’ve wanted to kiss her since the first time I saw her.
There was doubt in my mind initially, like she would suddenly step back and slap me, but when she kissed me in return I knew that I would never be able to let her go. She tasted of mint and soda and totally, completely Erika.
“I love you,” I told her as we broke apart, “I’ve always loved only you.”
“Em,” she nodded, burying her face in the crook of my neck, “Em.”
-------
“Jun-ni did?” Ryo asked Erika.
The two of them were seated in the back booth of the bar, her snuggled in his arms as they talked and she had told him that his elder brother had come to see her.
Somehow he was not surprise at all that his brother would have gone and talked to Erika.
The nosey brother strikes again it seems.
Erika on the other hand seemed contemplative, leaning her head against Ryo’s shoulder, “You want to know the reason I started going out with Shige?”
“Well…”
“Mostly, it was because he reminded me of you sometimes. He was always watching over me at work, always buying me little things like a drink or a snack… kinda like you always did…”
“Then… why…?”
“Because I thought you only see me as a friend… and… well… well that was where Shige was different. At least with him… I know where I stood. It was…” Erika paused, taking a deep breath, “I thought I could feel less lonely that way.”
“You didn’t?”
“I felt lonelier, especially since I introduced Shige to you. It felt as though you were viewing me from another side of a gulf from which I had no way to reach you… I…” she stopped, shook her head for a moment before continuing, “I broke up with him soon after. It felt wrong. Everything just felt wrong… and I didn’t know why I was so confused and upset about things. What Jun-nii said to me was finally what helped everything make sense.”
“Being selfish in love huh…?”
“Yes… about being selfish. Not because we want to be but because we can’t make people happy when we don’t love them the same way they love us. But also being selfish for yourself to make sure that you truly reach out to the other person.”
Both of the fell silent again, contemplating of their own thoughts. Ryo found himself unable to stop wondering. What is it that’s making Jun-ni act almost desperately these days?
Was he acting selfishly as well?
That was not true. Selfish was never a word that you could use to describe his elder brother. Everything Jun-ni did he did out of what he felt was his obligation as the eldest in the family. As their guardian, as the substitute for their parents.
But…
What if that was what he was selfish about? That was what he found satisfaction in life with and thus he would selfishly help them whether they asked for his help or not.
Ryo wanted to sigh. The definition of selfishness when it comes to relationships simply crosses very distinct lines doesn’t it?
“Jun-ni’s been weird lately,” he commented, “I wonder what the hell is he up to?”
Erika pulled away from him a little, looking at his face, “Have you not thought about it Ryo? Instead of trying to figure him out, why don’t you just play his game as well?”
“You mean?”
“He didn’t bother trying to think about what the situation is between you and me. He just came looking for me. He somehow got Yamapi to hire him as the photographer for the new restaurant opening and very much subtly injected himself into the situation. So if you want to find out what’s going on, you got to go over to his space. That’s what he has been doing and see where we are now…”
He looked at the beautiful woman in his arms, smiling slightly. Where we are now indeed.
“What do you have in mind?”
“Follow him. See where he goes. See what he does. It might give you that clue you want.”
“That’s so childish…”
“Who ever said caring for the people we love has to always be mature?” Erika laughed, pushing herself to her knees and straddling the surprised Ryo, her voice dropping to a naughty whisper, “Who said you can’t throw sensibility away when you’re with the people you love?”
“Eh… E…EErika?” he spoke up as she began nuzzling his ear.
“Hait?”
“I think we should lock the bar door.”
-----------
++Jun++
What I love best about being a photographer, more than capturing those beautiful moments was finding a completely new angle when looking at the most ordinary things through the lens of a camera. I think the world is different when you look at it through the lens of a camera. It makes you think. Would life be different if we learn to look at life differently?
There is something different in the air today though and I can’t quite tell what it is. It’s this nagging feeling as though I was being watched. In fact, I found myself looking over my shoulders a couple of times already.
Am I turning paranoid?
Brushing that thought aside for now I went into the studio. Looking around me there was that warm feeling of satisfaction that normally settles in my stomach at the sight. It’s been almost four years since I set up my own studio and though we were nothing big we had enough projects to ensure that I could make a comfortable living as well as pay my workers well.
Right now I have another photographer and a trainee working in the studio along with two technicians who helps in studio and on site shoots. The type of jobs that the studio takes on has also increased. Lately we have also been getting projects ranging from the one I took on from Yamapi to fashion spreads in magazines like Vogue Japan and Ageha.
I’m not very good at fashion shoots but my other full time photographer Nagayama Eita has a real knack for them. Between us we worked hard to make it in this business and looking back on it, I am happy that I had hired Eita.
At the moment after I finish with the pictures for Yamapi’s restaurant Madeline, there are two more projects that I had taken on, one for a safe driving campaign and another for an automobile magazine. It’s rare that I would have so few projects to work on especially with summer approaching but since the diagnose I have not taken on any new ones.
So far no one in the studio has made a comment and since I made a big fuss about accepting the invitation to join the exhibition by the Tokyo’s Governor’s Office everyone assumed that the lack of projects I took on was simply because I was preparing for the exhibition. In truth, though I have not really begun anything for the exhibition.
Going through the pictures of my family, I had an idea of what I wanted for the exhibition. The problem however lies in the fact that no matter how many photographs I took recently nothing seems to be truly enough. Looking at the empty studio around me I pondered on the photos which hung on the walls around me.
The ones we put up on display in the studio are all photographs which have won accolades and recognition either from exhibitions, competitions or key reviews. Most of these photographs are mine but recently Eita has been winning accolades for his work as well. His latest fashion spread for Elle Japan won an award for best lighting series in the national fashion photograph festival and his projects have increased exponentially too.
A sudden bittersweet sadness washed over me. If… no… when I die… I can leave this studio in his capable hands. My other staff members would also be able to survive and do well with him taking care of the studio.
Leaving that though, I went into my office, sitting down at my desk as I took out my pill box. The pills have increased in count too since the last time I went to the doctor and as I counted them out onto my hand, I suppressed a chuckle.
Pink pills.
Blue pills.
Green and yellow pills.
I’m a certified druggie.
Now if only this feeling of paranoia about being watched would go away.
-------
“He’s still in the studio,” Kazu reported into the phone to his wife who was at the other end, “I don’t know why I am doing this.”
“You’re worried about him,” Meisa reminded him.
“Rite…”
He was so worried about his brother that he had taken the day off from work today. A first in his entire working career. He had NEVER taken the day off before.
The interesting thing on the other hand was that when he took the day off the office admin informed him that he had enough accumulated leaves to go on a half year paid holiday if he wanted to.
He didn’t take a half year leave tempting though it was. He still needed to file some papers tomorrow so he took one day off instead and decided to tail his brother.
Act childish; that was what he and Meisa decided that day.
So here he was… acting childish.
He had hid in front of the house, waiting for his brother to leave and then tailed him across town until his brother came to the studio. Nothing surprising so far.
On the other hand, his brother was a really hard man to tail.
He kept looking over his shoulder the whole time and even doubled back a couple of times, almost as though he had been aware that Kazu had been following him.
“I wonder if I should go in…”
“He’ll suspect you’re up to something if you turn up at his office suddenly. You’ve never taken a day off in your life.”
“Tell me about it. Anyway, what time do you get off work today?”
“About six, why?”
“Want to come home for dinner?”
He could hear the smile in her voice and it made him smile in return as well.
“Aren’t you getting ahead Okada Kazunari-san? We’ve only been on one date recently.”
“Ah, I guess so huh. So how about we go on another date then? A movie? Then dinner?”
“You better choose a good place to take me for dinner. I’m not going to be as easy as I was back in college.”
“Whoever said you were easy.”
“You got me into bed by our fourth date.”
“Ah, so that means it’s going to take a lot more this time around?” he grinned.
“A WHOLE lot more.”
------
Yamapi had this smirk which spoke volumes on his face when he woke up for breakfast and found Erika trying to sneak out of Ryo’s room. He didn’t comment, simply pulling out an extra chair at the table, inclining his head towards it, telling her to sit down.
“Ryo!” he called out to his friend who peeked out of his bedroom with a guilty look on his face. “I’m going to Madeline today. Why don’t you take a holiday and not open the bar tonight and come with me? Erika, you did tell him that today’s the opening for Madeline right?”
“Uh…”
“You forgot? Other things on your mind lately cousin?” he teased her, causing the crimson blush on both Ryo and Erika’s face to deepen.
“Anyway,” he continued, “Let’s go to the opening today. Jin and Kame will be delighted to see you guys. Plus, Jun-ni would be coming as well. His photographs are being used for the magazine spread featuring the restaurant’s opening after all.”
Ryo should have known that Yamapi would not be surprise at all about the development between him and Erika. His suggestion was a good one too. It has been a long time since all of them had gathered together. The last time was on their graduation day.
“Will Mao, Toma and Maki be coming as well?’ Ryo asked to which Yamapi nodded with a grin.
“It’s going to be a great day isn’t it?” he said, “Why don’t we invite everyone else we know for the opening tonight?”
Ryo and Erika nodded, to which Ryo added, “I should call Kazu-ni and tell him to get off work for today too.”
-------
Checking his watch, Jun nodded to himself. He should be going. Today was the opening for Madeline. He had promised Yamapi that he would be there and he knew that Ryo should be there as well.
Since their little late night talk, his younger brother has not stopped by the house anymore and then of course there was that little message Yamapi had left on his cell phone earlier this morning.
[Ryo scores!!!!]
Jun smiled to himself when he thought about it. So his shy little brother is coming out of his shell after all. Erika is a sweet, loving young woman but unlike Ryo, Erika, like her cousin, was the type to take life headlong and between the two of them, they had been the first one to befriend Ryo, first ones to tempt him into taking steps towards independence. If Yamapi had not been along, not broached the idea of the bar to Ryo, Jun himself had no idea what Ryo would be doing with his life now.
There is no doubt in Jun’s mind that Erika is good for his brother and Jun approves of that match very much. The thought made him snort to himself though. Honestly, he sounds like an old woman all determined to marry her daughters off.
The thought made him laugh.
He wondered how Kazu and Meisa were getting along. These past few days his younger brother didn’t seem so agitated and there was this looseness about the shoulders that was not there before. Kazu always looked like an over wound clockwork toy and a wrong nudge would have sent him flying apart.
Things seem to be changing lately and he could feel a lightness within his heart that found itself couple to a black burden that was growing. Time was slipping through his fingers and he knew that he was not going to be able to hide his condition from his family much longer. He was going to need to tell them the truth - then hold on to good faith that as his family they would forgive him for deceiving them that long.
Tonight… he decided, he would tell them tonight.
For now, he should get himself to Madeline.
As he stood up from behind his desk, Jun braced his hand against the desk and slipped, nearly falling flat on his face. Sitting on the ground, limbs akimbo, Jun looked wide eyed at his trembling hands. Things were just going downhill these days weren’t they?
He’s going to need to stop by the hospital first before going to Madeline at this rate.