(no subject)
Right now, I'm having such a hard time trusting people its not even funny. I keep sitting here thinking you know, bout the shit that's been making me stress lately. It keeps making me want to cry, a tear or two might have gotten away. I refuse to cry over this again, you have no idea what I'm talking bout but I know. How am I supposed to trust someone that's hurt me so many times in the past. All I keep hearing is trust me, I love you, your not gonna lose me. You wanna know the ironic thing, they say all that right after telling me that every now and again, they think they have feelings for someone else. Reason for it, is because the person reminds them so much of me. -_-
It hurts me, seriously does, no matter how hard they try to reassure me. My mind is set though, and I know in then end, I'm the one that's gonna lose. I'm the one that's gonna cry, and have to go on and pretend that it never happened. Pretend like I never let someone get me they way they have, the way they do. I never thought I was ever gonna let someone get this close to me. They so easily hold my happiness or my sadness in the palm of their hands that it scares the hell out of me. You know the worst part, they know it too.
What am I supposed to do? Pretend like I haven't heard them tell me in more in one occasion about that other person that's supposed to remind them of me. Then when they ask me if I'm anything other then happy with them, what should I say? I'm clearly not happy, the pain I feel says other wise, and they know damn well how this makes me feel. I could always just say what they want to hear me say. Though no matter how much weed I smoke, how much I laugh and joke and pretend its all ok. I still know how I feel, and happy isn't one of those feelings. Happy is so fare out of my reach, that if I was to sit and think about it long enough, it would make me cry, again...
Do I walk away, or do I stay and keep trying? Do I stay and do I trust them in the process? Running away sounds so easy to do. Yet I've tried to do it God knows how many times. Then they say I love you, or I need you, please don't leave me. They always end up saying just the right thing that stops me in my tracks, and prevents me from running. Then I have to stop and question myself of what I was running from again. As if it was my fault in the first place that I ran to begin with.
Then I remember why it was, either broken promises, or unfaithfulness, or just a fight. It makes me want to run again, but then another promise is made. "I wont hurt you again, I promise." In my mind I think. "Wait a minute..you've told me this before, yes, you've promised me this so many times." "More then once, you've promised me, more then once you've hurt me, more then once, you've kept making me cry." I love you, you have my heart and you know this, why do you have to keep hurting it?
Man why is shit in life so damn hard to understand, why does everything have to be so freaking difficult. I don't know what to do anymore, should I trust again? Can I even trust again? Do I walk away again, could I even handle walking away from it all? The last time I tried, I did, I gave up, and the second I knew that I was without them, all I could do was cry.
Anyway, I had to get that out, even though I have another journal, cant say that shit there though because a cretin person reads it. I'm not as a lil cry baby you know, it takes a lot for people to get to me to the point were I show it. It takes a lot for me to act serious too. Life's a lot easier when you joke everything off. While smoking weed in the processes right Nancy? ^_^ Yeah well right there's only one person that can get to me this bad. And while yes the majority of they time they do keep me happy, right now they've just been lacking in that department. I never woulda thought love could hurt so bad, I was already expecting it to though when it really hit me that I loved them too. But then no matter how much someone reassures you that they love you, sometimes that's just not enough to kill all the doubts and fears that grow in ones mind. Its just not enough to get you to trust with your eyes closed, its not enough.
Yeah that felt good to let out yo, seriously. Now I'mma go smoke me some weed and chill, till my almost dead cell phone rings and then well see. Alright I'm out homies & monkeys, peace.
It hurts me, seriously does, no matter how hard they try to reassure me. My mind is set though, and I know in then end, I'm the one that's gonna lose. I'm the one that's gonna cry, and have to go on and pretend that it never happened. Pretend like I never let someone get me they way they have, the way they do. I never thought I was ever gonna let someone get this close to me. They so easily hold my happiness or my sadness in the palm of their hands that it scares the hell out of me. You know the worst part, they know it too.
What am I supposed to do? Pretend like I haven't heard them tell me in more in one occasion about that other person that's supposed to remind them of me. Then when they ask me if I'm anything other then happy with them, what should I say? I'm clearly not happy, the pain I feel says other wise, and they know damn well how this makes me feel. I could always just say what they want to hear me say. Though no matter how much weed I smoke, how much I laugh and joke and pretend its all ok. I still know how I feel, and happy isn't one of those feelings. Happy is so fare out of my reach, that if I was to sit and think about it long enough, it would make me cry, again...
Do I walk away, or do I stay and keep trying? Do I stay and do I trust them in the process? Running away sounds so easy to do. Yet I've tried to do it God knows how many times. Then they say I love you, or I need you, please don't leave me. They always end up saying just the right thing that stops me in my tracks, and prevents me from running. Then I have to stop and question myself of what I was running from again. As if it was my fault in the first place that I ran to begin with.
Then I remember why it was, either broken promises, or unfaithfulness, or just a fight. It makes me want to run again, but then another promise is made. "I wont hurt you again, I promise." In my mind I think. "Wait a minute..you've told me this before, yes, you've promised me this so many times." "More then once, you've promised me, more then once you've hurt me, more then once, you've kept making me cry." I love you, you have my heart and you know this, why do you have to keep hurting it?
Man why is shit in life so damn hard to understand, why does everything have to be so freaking difficult. I don't know what to do anymore, should I trust again? Can I even trust again? Do I walk away again, could I even handle walking away from it all? The last time I tried, I did, I gave up, and the second I knew that I was without them, all I could do was cry.
Anyway, I had to get that out, even though I have another journal, cant say that shit there though because a cretin person reads it. I'm not as a lil cry baby you know, it takes a lot for people to get to me to the point were I show it. It takes a lot for me to act serious too. Life's a lot easier when you joke everything off. While smoking weed in the processes right Nancy? ^_^ Yeah well right there's only one person that can get to me this bad. And while yes the majority of they time they do keep me happy, right now they've just been lacking in that department. I never woulda thought love could hurt so bad, I was already expecting it to though when it really hit me that I loved them too. But then no matter how much someone reassures you that they love you, sometimes that's just not enough to kill all the doubts and fears that grow in ones mind. Its just not enough to get you to trust with your eyes closed, its not enough.
Yeah that felt good to let out yo, seriously. Now I'mma go smoke me some weed and chill, till my almost dead cell phone rings and then well see. Alright I'm out homies & monkeys, peace.